Page 119 of Downpour

Ray’s inhale was slow and steady. Why was he so calm while I was borderline hysterical? It was infuriating.

“I don’t need your help,” he said.

I let out a caustic laugh at the sky. “Yes. You’ve made that perfectly clear.”

“I needyou.” Ray pressed his mouth to the back of my head. “Iwantyou.”

“Then why do I have to go?” I choked out. “You know how much I need this job.”

It was only half true, though. I needed a job, but I could have found something. I just didn’t want to leave him.

“Baby, I don’t want you going anywhere. That’s why I don’t want you working for me. I want you to be here because you want to be. I don’t want to keep you trapped. Cass is going to help us find something for you that you love.” He gently cupped my cheek and forced me to look at him. “I’ll get to the rest of my apology in a minute. But you’re going stir-crazy. I want more for you than occasionally giving me a hand and getting my groceries.”

“I like helping you.”

“I know you do.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “And I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be loved the way you love me.”

I hunched forward and hugged my knees. “What are we doing, Ray? This is... this is never going to work.”

“You’re right.”

Wait. He wasn’t supposed to agree with me.

He gently rubbed my back. “It’s not going to work if I don’t get my shit together. So, I’m working on it. Because I want this to work. It’s not going to work if you’re my employee. I want a partner. Someone who’s here willingly. So, I’m working on that too. And as you may have guessed, I just had my ass chewed out by my family because they like you better than me and want you to stick around.” His thumb grazed my cheek. “And, you know what? I like you better than me too.”

My eyes dropped to the ground. “You’ve made all of those promises before.”

“I know, baby. I know I let you down. I know I hurt you. I know I have to let go of what I thought my life was gonna look like whenever I got around to hanging up my chaps for good. I’ve got to work on that, and I think it’s going to be harder than physical therapy.”

He said everything I wanted, but did it make me a pushover if I accepted it? Could I believe him after he had said it all before? Was I just a naïve girl getting back in line to have her heart broken again?

“I want to believe you,” I said.

“That’s good enough for me. Because I want you. So, if that’s where you’re at, then I know where I stand with you and where I need to put in the work.” Ray cupped my cheeks, his eyes soft and kind. “I’m a proud man, Brooke. I don’t like asking for help, so I’m only going to ask for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“One more chance to love you right.” He reached into the pocket of his gym shorts and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I, um... I went to therapy again this morning. Christian called in a favor after what happened last night and got me in before the office opened. When I got home, you were gone, so I sat and tried to figure out how to apologize while I waited for you to come back.”

“I went to your mom’s house,” I muttered.

He slid the paper into my hand. “I’ve given you too many empty words before. So, this time, I... I wrote them down. I know my handwriting sucks. It looks like a kindergartener wrote it out. But I’m trying, Brooke. I swear to you. I just...” His voice broke as he tightened his arms around me. “I just needed you to know that I’m gonna put in the work because I love you.”

Carefully, I unfolded the note. The letters were large and misshapen. Eraser marks were evident on the page where he had tried and tried again to get it right. Some words had been scratched out and changed. The effort and intention he had put into every word was overwhelming.

If I had to choose between you and the sun, it’s you.

In every lifetime, you are the most brilliant thing in existence.

Your love is blinding and sustaining. I crave your warmth.

The incandescence of you is what gives me light when my nature is to seek darkness.

In every form that you exist, you are my sun. And I’ll be your moon.

I’ll be the light that drives the nightmares away. The glow that soothes. And the calm you seek refuge in.

Because you can burn eternally without me.

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