Page 90 of Knot Her Reality

I don’t need to hear my thoughts in their voices. I never need to hear their voices again.

Fuck. I know I promised I would try for my pack, but I don’t think I can do this.

I lay my hands in my lap, closing them into fists and digging my nails into my palms. I need to get myself under control. It’s one of the things I pride myself in—always being in control.

Yet, Tessa sitting across the table from me has me unraveling at the edges. I’m turning into the woman my mother always said I would be—weak, overly emotional, and lacking control. I don’t want to be this person. I want this date to go well. I want Evangeline to choose my pack.

I just also want her to not choose Tessa.

I jump when a hand touches my arm. My eyes shoot up to meet Paisley’s, and she gives me a sad smile. “I’m sorry. I was lost in my head. Did I miss something?”

At least my voice comes out sounding strong and doesn’t reveal how hard I’m fighting the storm within myself.

“Evangeline was asking if you were okay with getting an appetizer sampler? Well, two of them if we all want to eat off them.” Paisley forces herself to brighten her smile, but I can still see the taint of sadness there. She knows I’m failing, and she knows what that means for us.

I want to be strong for my omega—for my pack. I have to be strong for them. What the hell kind of head alpha am I if I can’t stand to be around Tessa? It shouldn’t be this hard.

“Yes. That sounds good.” I try to smile, but it feels brittle, and there’s no hiding the coldness in my words.

I really am failing.

Both Tessa and Evangeline are wearing forced smiles as they glance between me and Paisley. Evangeline clears her throat and turns back to the server, who I hadn’t noticed before now. “We’ll take two of the samplers, and I think we need a few more minutes before we’re ready to place our orders.”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t even looked at the menu yet.” Forcing myself to relax as much as I can, I reach up to open said menu. “I’m sorry if I’m making the rest of you have to wait.”

“It’s quite alright,” Tessa offers hesitantly. “I’m used to going out to eat with Bree and her pack. Bree is the worst about choosing what she wants to eat, and Kai is even worse since he’s a chef. I swear, we sat there for an hour once while the two of them tried to figure out what they wanted to eat.”

Here Tessa is, offering me an olive branch and all I want to do is snap at her. What the fuck is wrong with me? But I already know the answer to that, and now isn’t the time to be thinking about it.

Instead, I force myself to continue smiling. “That must be a pain.”

She laughs, her face softening as a genuine smile falls across her face. “It can be, but I love her and her pack, so I’m willing to put up with it.”

“If I take too long choosing what I want to eat, one of my pack will order for me,” Paisley says with a laugh. “They’re all a bit impatient, but at least they know me well enough to know what I’ll want to eat.”

Evangeline hums. “I’m not sure how I feel about having someone else order food for me. I haven’t had a lot of experience with it, but I’m sure it’s helpful when I can’t make up my mind.”

“Oh, it really is.” Paisley reaches over to take my hand, squeezing it as I try to focus on the menu. “It’s one of the things I love most about being a part of a pack. I’m often indecisive, and they help me choose or choose for me. It’s a weight off my shoulders. Though I guess I should want to be less indecisive, but there’s just something about having them take care of me that I love.”

“I can see that.” The smile Evangeline and Paisley share has me smiling as well—until Tessa speaks up.

“I don’t think I’d want to choose for my omega,” she says slowly, glancing at me before focusing on Paisley. “Even if they wanted me to choose. I don’t think that’s the kind of alpha I want to be.”

Anger and annoyance sweep through me, raging around inside of me as I bite my cheek to keep from snapping at her. Of course, she thinks that I’m a bad alpha. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t anyone?

Everyone always has their opinions on what I do. Why should Tessa be any different? Everyone always wants to tell me how I’m failing at being an alpha.

“Ana!” Paisley gasps, and when I look up at her, I find her eyes wide.

Taking a quick glance at Evangeline and Tessa, I realize I must have spoken that part out loud. Fuck.

“I wasn’t judging you, Ana. Every alpha is different,” Tessa says slowly. “Just because I don’t want to be that kind of alpha, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. I don’t think you’re failing at being an alpha. In fact, I think you’re doing an amazing job. From what Paisley has been telling me, you have an amazing career as a lawyer, and you’re the head alpha of your pack. Not many female alphas can say that, can they?”

Why is it that I can only focus on the fact that Paisley has been talking to her? Why has my omega been seeking out another alpha? Are Malachi and I not enough for her? Of course, it has nothing to do with Malachi. He’s everything she needs in an alpha, it’s me that’s lacking. That’s why she’s been seeking out the only other female alpha. She needs someone stronger—someone who isn’t me.

“Ana?” Paisley’s voice is quiet as she reaches for me again, but I brush her off.

“I don’t know why I’m here. It’s clear that neither Paisley nor Evangeline needs me when you’re around, Tessa.” I push to my feet, fighting back the rage trying to spew from me. I need to get out of here. I need to get back to the compound—away from the omegas who don’t need me and the alpha who is obviously better than me.

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