Page 54 of How Much For A Broken Heart?

Dr. Simmons gave it to me straight. “What you’ve been through, what you’ve seen and done, and the choices you’ve made, it’s huge,” he acknowledged, “but it never takes away from you being there for the last moments of her normal life.”

“Okay.”

“Did you have a physical relationship with James?”

I huffed. “Isn’t that in my file?”

He seemed confused. “No.”

Oh, so Sanctuary or Shadow Team or whoever hadn’t shared that with Doc.

There was a question there for sure. “I liked him. He was a good man. It hurt to lose him, and not just because it was on my watch, and I’d let him down.”

“I understand.”

Did he understand? I knew he’d served, so maybe he did.

“It’s not about what you think she deserves. It’s about Annie, and what she needs, and right now, she needs memories of her dad. You’re working on yourself, for her. That’s what’s important.”

“Okay. And what if I don’t want to start this until after we’re done.”

“Done with finding Amos? Completing the mission? Hopefully coming back alive?”

I winced at that, then lifted my chin. “Yes.”

Dr. Simmons didn’t curse me out, or judge me, or tell me I was wrong, and somehow, his silence was way worse, so I filled in the gaps.

“You think I should stop, and be here for her?”

He tapped the notebook in his lap. “Do you?”

That wasn’t fair, to turn the question back on me, because my head was spaghetti, and I had no freaking idea what I wanted

“Do you have fond memories to call on? Ones with just Annie?”

I shook my head, then a warmth flooded me when I realized that yes, I did have something. “I remember,” I began, my voice tinged with nostalgia, even though it hurt to recall the details. “it was warm. Summer, the last happy time, the day before…” I paused. “Before.”

“Okay?”

“James was in the house, and Annie and I were in the backyard, and she had this tiny plastic pool, it had these Disney princesses all over it, and the water in it couldn’t have been more than six inches deep, but to her, it was like a vast ocean. She was wearing a purple swimsuit with this flower pattern and a little sunhat, and she grinned so hard as she splashed around in the water.”

I could feel a smile tugging at the corners of my lips as the memory came to life, even though the despair still clung to me. “I sat on the grass, watching her, and she turned to me with curious eyes, same as James’s, all big and blue. She held out her hand, and I reached out to hold it. We sat there, just the two of us, in our own little world. It was a simple moment, but it felt like the most beautiful thing in the world. And then James came out,” I continued, my voice wavering. “He sat down next to me, and in that instant, I don’t know how, but it was as if I was being given this family.” Grief collected in my heart and trickled down my cheeks in tears. I’d forgotten this moment.

“Go on,” he encouraged.

“They were important to me, and James mentioned something about how when everything was over, maybe we could date for real,” I continued, my tone growing somber as I recalled my reaction to the suggestion. I’d been horrified, scared… hell, terrified. “There was no one who wanted Annie. His parents cut him and her out of their lives; there’s no cousins, siblings.” I paused for a moment; my chest tight. “He said he wanted to make sure that if anything ever happened to him, that I would protect Annie, find her a new home… But I stopped him from talking. I reassured him that he was safe, that it was me who was in danger, right? And then, the next day…”

The weight of those unspoken fears hung in the air. At the time, I couldn’t have imagined the series of events that would unfold, leading me down a path of danger and darkness. But I’d believed we were safe, and that I could protect us from anything the world might throw our way.

“So, you promised James you’d look out for his daughter?”

I glanced up at Dr. Simmons. “Yeah”

“And how does it feel to think you have to break that promise?” He wasn’t accusing me, he was asking me to consider everything, and his question hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d promised James I would do that, and this wasn’t about my own self-doubt or what I believed I deserved. Annie needed James, not me, but my journey to healing wasn’t just about me anymore. It was about being there for her, being someone steady in her life. Then, I asked an impossible question.

“Will you look after her until I’m back?” From killing Amos.

He sighed but nodded. “If you come back.”

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