Page 132 of The Life-Changing Magic of Falling in Love

‘Me.’ I bend forward, convinced I won’t be able to keep swallowing the boiling acid back down. ‘I am what happened to her. Me, with my grand ideas and my dreams of living in New York City. Big adventure. Living our best lives. Me, who talked at her and persuaded her and then, once we got there, I didn’t hear her. I made her feel invisible. I was too wrapped up in a job I didn’t even do well at. I was too busy. Too selfish. Left her floundering.’

George is silent but I know what he’s thinking. ‘You think I’m making it up? But I know she felt those things because I read her journal after – afterwards.’ Remembering pierces through my skin, leaving me fragile and ashamed. I’d wanted to feel close to her. Hadn’t even hesitated opening it. Never ever considering what I might read. Or that I would read something I wished I hadn’t. ‘It was all there in black and white. How she wasn’t really enjoying living in the city. How she didn’t know if she could stick it out. How she was thinking of moving back here. How she couldn’t see how she’d meet anyone because everyone moved too fast. She felt rootless but she didn’t know how to tell me. How to make me hear her…’

‘Oh, Ashleigh, honey.’

I whirl around because that voice doesn’t belong to George.

It belongs to Sarah’s mother, Shelley-Ann.

‘No. Oh no, you heard? I’m so sorry.’

‘I’ll leave you two to talk,’ George says diplomatically and as he turns and walks away, I’d give anything to be able to go with him instead of having to tell Sarah’s mother that I’m the reason her daughter isn’t here anymore.

‘Have you been carrying this, this whole time?’ Shelley-Ann asks, her voice thick with emotion.

I look into her eyes and it’s like Sarah is staring back at me. ‘I didn’t know she was struggling,’ my words feel torn and rushed. ‘I should have known.’

‘You were living your life, Ashleigh. Both of you were. That’s all.’ Her hands reach for mine. ‘You were figuring life out. All its ups and downs, its twists and turns. It’s what you’re supposed to do. How else could you learn what you’re going to like or what you’re suited to best or where you’ll be happiest living if you don’t try new things? If you hadn’t suggested New York City, she’d never have thought of it, but if she hadn’t wanted to go with you, you’d have gone on your own.’

Would I? Or did I drag my best friend along for support instead of trying it for myself? What were my dreams and what were hers? And did I conveniently and unfairly merge them into something that suited me more?

‘I lost you your daughter.’ The words tumble out of me.

‘No. You showed her she didn’t have to stay in one place. I can understand her wondering where long-term should be, but I know she’d never have swapped having all that fun with you. Never. And she could just have easily had an accident here because that was what it was, a freak accident. And yes, it sucks, as Sarah used to say. But, Ashleigh, none of this is your fault. It’s the fault of the person who didn’t tie in the scaffolding. Sarah wouldn’t want you to punish yourself.’

‘But I read her journal.’

‘Well, so what? I overheard you and George talking just now and I didn’t walk away. Instead, I kept right on listening. It’s human. Sarah wasn’t caught under your spell, Ashleigh. You didn’t drag her anywhere. My daughter had a quiet strength to her, she had to, to do the job she did. If she’d decided she really wanted to move back home, she’d have figured out a way to tell you. She assumed she had more time to tell you properly, is all.’

‘I can’t – I don’t know how to be here without her.’

‘Yes, you do – you’re doing it. Your mom tells me you’re enjoying your job. Making new friends. You’re finding ways of being. Of living.’ She steps back to take a fierce look at me. ‘That’s not a lie, is it?’

Will I always question the gap between how much Sarah wanted to go home and how much she tried to find a way to tell me? Always feel a sadness she didn’t get to have what I have now … that sense of expansion of my world … of letting in instead of shutting out? Of finding a sense of community and welcoming in a widening friendship group. Wasn’t that what being in New York City had always been about, for me? ‘No, it’s the truth,’ I tell her through a sheen of tears.

‘I’m glad. And I can tell you she’d have loved your George. I mean,’ she leans in and whispers with a wobbly, nostalgic smile in her voice, ‘obviously not a patch on Billy Jenkins!’

‘He’s not my George,’ I whisper back.

‘Isn’t he?’ She pulls me in for a hug and then says, ‘I want to thank you for letting me help out with rent.’

‘Please, it’s me who should be thanking you.’

‘Your parents would have done the same if it had been Sarah in your position. I needed to feel that connection, but I hadn’t thought how it might make you feel tied to the place? So, with George on the scene if you ever want to leave or move him in, I don’t want it to be awkward to tell me.’

‘He’s not my George,’ I repeat, thinking about how maybe soon with the artwork and my job I could afford to cover all of the rent on my own but that I couldn’t even think about living elsewhere. Not yet. Not without Sarah. But maybe it was time to start thinking more long-term?

‘If you like we could revisit the situation every couple months?’

‘I’d really like that.’

‘One other favour?’

‘Anything.’

‘Make me a collage like you did for Jasmine and Rob? So that I have some more of Sarah’s white feathers?’

‘Of course.’

---