Page 55 of The Life-Changing Magic of Falling in Love

‘Zach is that nice he goes home to check on his mother every weekend. I believe him. I’m a good judge of character Ma. I get that from you,’ I add as a sop.

‘Well, he’s going to have to make arrangements for someone else to sit with his mother for the wedding in June.’

‘I’m not going to make him organise that a year in advance.’

‘No, I mean, this June. It’s the reason for calling. I?—’

‘Tina’s moving her wedding forward to this June? Way to bury the lead story, Ma! So, what, honeymoon deal too good to pass up? Pregnant?’

‘No, I shouldn’t have told you like that. I should have – it’s just that – this is going to come as a shock, I think. Your father was right, I shouldn’t be telling you this on the phone. You were supposed to come home for the weekend – finally – I mean I get it when I invite you and you don’t because that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to be busy that you don’t need to come home every weekend and visit your folks but if you had just come home this weekend, I wouldn’t have to tell you on the phone.’

‘Just tell me.’

‘Jasmine’s engaged.’

‘What?’ I sink down onto the bed I’ve just made.

Sarah’s sister is getting married?

‘Shelley-Ann and I wanted to tell you together, in case – you know?—’

‘What?’ I repeat but my voice is hoarse so I don’t think she hears.

‘This June – Jasmine’s getting married this June and so it’s very happy news and you’ll be invited and?—’

‘Ma. Stop. It’s fine,’ I force the words out. Force my face to stretch into a grin, because that’s supposed to help you sound fine, isn’t it? ‘You’re right. It’s happy news. It’s good the family is getting to celebrate something after such a tough year. It’s good, it’s…’ I trail off. I can’t believe Sarah’s sister is getting married. To who? Her sister just died. Who gets married one minute after their sister dies?

There are tears rolling down my cheeks, I know it.

Sarah would have been so happy for Jasmine.

She’d have loved it.

She’d have been jealous as hell, but she’d have loved it.

‘You’re invited,’ my mom says into the phone. ‘That’s what I wanted to tell you – to prepare you – to expect an invite.’

‘Of course. Don’t worry. It’s happy news. The happiest for them all. Of course, I’ll go to the wedding.’

‘And maybe it won’t feel so … that is, if you’re there with Zach, it won’t be such a stark reminder Sarah isn’t there – I mean of course they’ll mark that she isn’t, you know mention it in the toast and so-forth because they wouldn’t want to omit her but maybe you won’t find it so difficult if you have Zach by your side?’

‘Maybe.’

The feeling I’ve worked so hard to conquer – the feeling I haven’t felt in months – slides into my conscious and then spreads through my body so that my eyelids feel heavy, my limbs weighted and all I want to do with every fibre of my being is sink into bed and sleep.

Sleep for a thousand years.

Sleep while some other version of me – some better version of me – figures this all out and gets herself further forward in life again. Further past it all.

It’s the wanting-to-sleep feeling that scares me the most.

And thank God for that fluttering, stuttering fear catching alight until it’s a hissing, raging wildfire that gets my heart pumping madly and my breath catching horridly so that to escape I’ll do almost anything.

I hang onto the fact that I have something better than just anything.

I have cleaning.

And Carlos and Oz.

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