Page 31 of The Life-Changing Magic of Falling in Love

It’s not Sarah’s voice but Nadine’s that finally filters through. ‘Yes, of course,’ I manage. ‘I remember. I—’ Absolutely cannot be here. Among Sarah’s colleagues. In her space. It’s as I feared. It’s too hard. It’s too-—

‘You know Katey, here?’ Nadine asks, stepping forward, blocking my exit.

‘Um.’ I turn around and look at the little girl who has lost all her hair and is watching the interaction between us unfold like it’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to her today and all of a sudden thinking about someone else is what I need to do in order to let go of that awful day when I had to say goodbye to my best friend. ‘Not yet. But I’m hoping to. I’m here to read to you.’ I step closer towards her. ‘If that’s okay with you?’

Huge eyes stare up at me for what seems like an eternity and then she smiles tentatively and gives a nod and just like that, it’s no longer, thankfully, about me, but about something as simple as reading aloud to a little girl who must be bored as hell and possibly scared out of her mind.

* * *

I’m squashing Princess Tabitha’s Toothy Problem back into my oversize tote when I spy Nadine approaching again.

‘You coming back next week?’ she asks with a smile.

I look at Katey for permission and she beams back at me.

‘Yes,’ I say, lost in the comfort of warm smiles and a little surprised to realise I’m beaming back.

‘Great,’ Nadine says as I wave goodbye to Katey and turn towards the doors. ‘Hey,’ she adds, her voice low as she accompanies me, ‘I didn’t mean to blindside you earlier.’

‘That’s okay.’

‘I miss Sarah. She was a good nurse and was becoming a friend.’

‘She had this way of slipping under your skin,’ I say, my words feeling full. So full they could overspill out from my eyes in the form of tears.

Not now, I will them. At least wait until I’m on my own.

‘So.’ Nadine slows just before we reach the elevator. ‘How are you doing?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes. You.’

Horrified as I am by the question, something – maybe the fact that I’m further along this grieving thing than I worry I am – makes me shun my automatic, ‘I’m fine,’ and decide to be honest. ‘Oh, you know… Some days I’m back at square one, other days feel like I’ve arrived at, at least square four or maybe five. On days like today,’ I add with a smile, ‘It’s a ten.’

‘Grief is the shits.’

The statement is so prosaic I laugh. ‘Yeah.’

‘You get better at dealing with the back and forth of it all.’

I think back to how I dealt with losing Sarah right at the start when grief sucked me right under into its blessed black depths and then I think about the middle, the messy, messy middle and then I think about where I am now – bobbing along on the surface.

‘Yeah,’ I repeat softly, as I wave “hello” from the deep end and prepare to put my best foot forward again.

* * *

Looking at the smile on Zach’s face, I feel good.

Better than good, even.

I feel present.

Interested in him.

Interesting to him.

A girl could get carried away. It has been so long since I have felt anything other than a study in Hot Mess but from Mrs. Lundy’s out-there pep talk this morning, to leaving the hospital this afternoon with a smile in my heart, to the zingy nervous excitement in getting ready for my date with Zach tonight … these sorts of stand-out days are occurring more and more often lately and how great, is that?

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