Page 5 of Gunner

My face grows hot at the thought as I pull into the driveway of my house. When I found this place for sale, I immediately called to tour the property. It has a Spanish kind of feel, with a sandy limestone exterior and a terracotta tiled roof. There’s a spacious garage, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and spectacular natural lighting. It felt like home the moment I stepped through the front door.

And what a steal! The previous owner was an older woman who recently passed away and her son, a surgeon in Florida, was eager to get rid of the property since he lived so far. The price was perfect for my budget and the right size for me and Caleb. I can see myself growing old in this house. But hopefully, not growing old alone.

Once I pull into the garage, my little monster climbs out with lightning speed. “Help Mommy with the groceries, please,” I call out, stopping him in his tracks.

He grabs one item from the trunk and heads inside, his arms barely able to fit around the large pack of paper towels. I follow after him, carrying the rest of the groceries and setting them down on the kitchen counter. Caleb quickly retreats to his room, likely dumping out the toys I rounded up this morning. He’ll be cleaning those up himself this time, not Mommy.

After putting everything away, but leaving out what I need for dinner, I wash my hands at the sink and get started. James will be here around seven, which means I only have a few hours to cook, clean, and get dressed. Shit, I’m already overwhelmed, thinking about the love of my life coming over. We haven’t seen each other in ages, and I have no idea what we’ll talk about.

What’s he been doing all these years? Did he miss me? Did he think about me?

I like to believe that he did. God knows I certainly thought about him. Maybe I crossed his mind whenever he drove past the high school or my old house. Or maybe he saw someone eating a pink-frosted donut, and they reminded him of the time we bought a dozen and ate every single one, making ourselves sick.

A smile spreads across my face at the memory. We may have been young, but we were so in love. The kind of love where everything was intense, and you couldn’t help but be consumed by each other. Every look, every touch left a mark, and we wanted to make it permanent. Make it forever. But sadly, that wasn’t in the cards for us.

I can understand why James would want to catch up now; we have history, a good one. But I don’t expect anything else other than pleasant conversation with enjoyable company and a kiss on the cheek goodnight. I mean, I’m not the same person as I was back then, and I definitely don’t look like her either.

After having a child, not every woman’s body shifts back into place. I know mine didn’t. I was a thick girl to begin with, and I’ve put on some weight over the years, filling out in my hips and thighs. We won’t even talk about the mommy pooch and giant breasts that sag down to the waistband of my leggings. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but it’s how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.

I wonder what James was thinking when he saw me today. His eyes were so focused on me that my skin grew hot beneath his unwavering stare. Even now, just remembering his powerful gaze makes my temperature rise a degree or two.

God, how will I survive dinner tonight sitting next to this man?

Caleb barges into the kitchen, disrupting my thoughts as he bites the inside of his cheek. I bend down to meet his eyes. “What is it, sweetie?”

“Is… is that man… really coming to dinner?”

“James?” I cock my head. “Yeah, he’s coming. Why? What’s wrong?” I’m curious where this concern is coming from.

“Is he a nice man? He looks a little scary.” Caleb is so innocent with those big green eyes, my sweet boy.

I breathe out a short laugh. Yes, James does look scary and intimidating on the outside, with sleeve tattoos, a full beard, and mountains of muscle. But he’s the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met. At least he always was to me and I’m positive that’ll extend to my son.

“He may look scary, but he’s a big ol’ teddy bear. I promise.” I draw an imaginary X over my heart with my index finger.

Caleb doesn’t look completely convinced but he doesn’t push anymore either. Instead, he turns to get a juice box from the fridge and walks out of the kitchen, while I stare at his retreating back. I hope tonight will ease his worries and he learns firsthand what a good guy James is.

Time flies by before I finally place the lasagna in the oven. I don’t make this dish often, because it’s time-consuming to cook the noodles and make the sauce from scratch, but I just knew I had to do it for him. This dish holds a lot of memories for us, some sad like his mother’s passing. But some are good, because it’s also the day I lost my virginity to him.

The memory of his smooth skin pressed against mine floats to the surface. The way his warm breath tickled my neck as he nibbled on my earlobe. How his passionate kisses filled me with promises that I wanted him to keep forever. We were inseparable after that, falling into bed with one another almost daily, exploring each other's bodies and bringing each other pleasure.

No one has ever been able to satisfy me like that since James. Not even Caleb’s father.

But I’m not going down that train of thought right now because I have to get dressed. I don’t have time to be angry at a stupid man who is no longer a part of my life or our son’s, which is for the best.

I finish making the salad, placing it inside the fridge for later, then prep the garlic bread. Only when everything is set for our meal do I head upstairs to my bedroom for a shower. Once I’ve scrubbed and shaved every inch of my body—better to be prepared—I root around my closet, hoping to find something decent to wear that doesn’t make me look like such a… mom.

I tear through my clothes, trying on multiple outfits only to discard them on the bed or the floor while planning to pick them up later. Nothing looks good. Everything makes me look slouchy or frumpy or thicker than I actually am. Serves me right for always dressing for comfort over style.

Damn, maybe I should’ve gone shopping.

My eyes flick to the far corner where I find a few sundresses I hardly ever wear because I don’t usually have a reason. I bought them last year on a whim, so I’m hoping they still fit. I select the ocean-blue one with straps that tie at the shoulders and a sweetheart neckline, slipping the garment over my head. Once dressed, I step into my bedroom and walk over to my full-length mirror that leans against the wall next to my dresser. My eyes widen as I take in my appearance. I actually look quite pretty.

And, holy hell, where did these boobs come from?

I contemplate throwing on a light cardigan to add a bit of modesty to my outfit, but ultimately decide against it. I’m always covering myself up, and for once, I deserve to show off the assets the good Lord gave me. I need to stop hiding my body as if I’m ashamed of it. I know those thoughts are old ghosts from the past, but it’s high time I show those demons to the door. I may be a little fluffy, but I’m worthy of love and admiration.

Feeling good about the dress, I move on to hair and makeup. I can’t remember the last time I’ve worn a full-face of cosmetics, so I opt for something simple, not wanting to seem like I’m trying too hard. Although I have to admit I do want to look nice for James and put it a little more effort than usual. God knows it has been a while since anyone’s told me I look beautiful or spared me a second glance.

---