Page 38 of Save You

“No, Beth, you can’t-” Carol begins, but I cut her off with a pleading look because she and I both know I have no real choice in this. My sacrifice is the only way to protect both my baby and Xander. Oliver slowly looks up, eyeing me with a strange mixture of renewed hope and leftover fury.

“I have a few conditions,” I continue, trying to sound firm while crossing my arms in defiance, readying myself to argue with him.

“I would say you’re hardly in a position to bargain, are you, Beth?” Oliver scoffs but gestures for me to continue anyway.

“If you want me to stay with you and not try and get away,” I begin before having to swallow the painful lump of emotion stuck at the back of my throat, “then you will leave Xander and my daughter in peace. They will be exempt from your witch hunt and your wrath. That also includes his family and mine.”

I watch him get up and slowly pace around, as if in deep thought, before finally sitting in the chair beside me. He remains bolt upright as if this were a board meeting, and we are in serious business negotiations. He then nods once to agree, thus giving me the confidence to go on.

“If you and I are going to be having a marriage in every sense of the word,” I continue, to which he smiles smugly while I shiver over the thought of him being in my bed, “then I want to remain on contraceptives. I want to be at least in my twenties before I give you an heir.” I watch his jaw clench together and prepare for him to lose his temper again, but after a moment or two, he nods in agreement. “There will be no cameras in my bedroom, and I want to be able to leave the house now and then; even prisoners have yard time.”

“Done!” he snaps and gets up to walk away, falsely under the impression that this is over.

“I’m not finished!” I call out, making him freeze in such a way, I know I’m pushing him to the brink of his patience. “You will not use this as a reason to hurt me, Oliver. You are ripping me away from my daughter; I think that’s punishment enough!”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Beth,” he says with what could be mistaken for sincerity, “but if I agree to all of this, you will give yourself to me and only me. I will become the love of your life, I will be the one you serve, I will be the one you want to please, in any way I deem fit. Agreed?” Reluctantly, and with sickness taking over my entire body, I nod. “Good! Now, say your goodbyes. I want to get you back home.”

Home, I laugh to myself, home is in this room with me, home is with Xander. The last place I would call home is that stone-cold prison where Oliver lives. I would rather take up residence in Alcatraz than live with the man now walking smugly about the room, just itching to rip my baby away from me.

As I move my eyes away from the man who I hate more than anyone else on the planet, I look to Carol now bringing my daughter back to me, with tears already spilling over her cheeks. She knows that this is my final chance to see her, to cast her face to memory. This is going to be, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I have to say goodbye to my daughter, deny her of her mother, her milk, and my love. I hope in some strange way she knows I’m not rejecting her, or her father; I’m saving her. I’m trying to save them both so they can lead a life of freedom and happiness, where the threats I’m surrounded by are far removed from the equation.

As I bring her in tightly toward me, watching her little eyes darting around to try and focus on me with a deep look of confusion on her face, I take a moment or two to just hum to her. It makes me smile because I choose Romeo and Juliet, which makes me think of the last night I had spent with Xander, swaying like an elephant while she wriggled around inside of me. I was so happy and content back then, and I want more than anything for this moment to be tender and sweet, not full of fear and misery.

“Carol,” I say softly, forcing myself to look away from my baby girl. I want to show my midwife how serious I am when I give her my words. “Thank you for saving our lives.” She nods with a sort of smile, even though she’s trying so hard not to sob through the tears spilling from her eyes. “But I need you to promise me one last thing.”

“Anything,” she croaks out on a sob she just couldn’t hold back anymore.

“I want you…” I pause to take in a big gulp of air to help me get this out without collapsing into tears over my daughter. “I want you to tell Xander I didn’t make it.” She breaks into more audible sobs while I try to finish what I started. “I need him to think I’m no longer here, that I’m no longer a part of the equation. I want him and her,” I begin as I look down at her tiny face to keep me going; to convince me that what I’m doing is the right thing, “I want them to lead a normal, happy life. Free to be out in the open, to be far removed from all of this. Will you do that for me? Please?” I reach for her hand, and she takes it, squeezing it back as she nods.

“Yes,” she eventually replies, “I promise, I will. God, you’re so brave, Beth!” She lunges over to hug me, being careful not to touch the tiny child in my arms.

“Thank you. You’ll help him, won’t you?” I ask, barely holding it together. “Xander, he’ll need help; to get through this with her.” She nods and promises me with her eyes, for she is no longer able to speak. “Ok, then,” I sniff, “would you both give me a minute?” I look over to Oliver, who looks like he’s about to shoot me down. “Please?! Where am I going to go? I have a C-section scar, I’ve lost I don’t know how much blood, and have a newborn in my arms. Please, Oliver, this is all I’m going to have with her!”

“I will be right outside the door, Beth, don’t make me regret this!” he warns, obviously hating the idea before finally turning to leave me in peace. Carol kisses my head, then walks quietly away.

When the door finally clicks closed, I look back down to my little girl who is still clutching tightly onto my finger. Her dark grey little eyes seem to be straining to look up at me, as if waiting for me to say something and for her to listen intently. It makes me smile and cry all at the same time.

“Hey, you,” I whisper, pulling her that little bit closer toward my chest, “I’m afraid we’ve had a rough time of it, huh?” She opens her little mouth into an ‘o’ shape, then darts her tongue out, and it makes me giggle. “You are a cutie! You’ll have your daddy wrapped around your little finger in no time. You know, you may have drawn the short straw with me, but you sure struck gold with your daddy. Go easy on him though, he needs to learn fast and might find it hard for a while.” She gurgles and blinks at me, all the while frowning like she’s really trying to take in my words. I lean down and kiss her little forehead and inhale her baby smell, another sense to cast to memory for the days ahead of me. “I wish I had something more profound to say, but I never expected to have you and then have to leave you so soon afterward. I wish I had something planned out to tell you, some wisdom, or meaningful words, but I’m afraid I don’t, kiddo.”

I clutch my finger and thumb into my eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay just a little bit longer. A traitorous sob escapes my lips, though, and I have to take in a few deep breaths before I can go on. Eventually, when I manage to look back at her, I can see she’s starting to drop off. She couldn’t look any more perfect to me, and somehow this gives me the strength to go through with it all.

“Just know, that when you are feeling angry with me, because you will, at some point, for leaving you, just know I did it because I love you and your father so, so much. I will always love you, my baby, always!”

I bring my nose to her soft hair and inhale her deeply again, trying to hold onto it for as long as I can. I keep my eyes closed and hold her to my lips, remaining there while waiting for the inevitable to happen.

“It’s time!” Oliver orders from the door. I feel my face screw up tightly as his footsteps close the gap between us. He soon begins to tug her away from me. At first, I pull her back, holding onto her a little more tightly because I can’t let her go without at least some sort of fight. “Beth!” he growls, and I know I can’t hold onto her any longer without him hurting either of us. When he finally pulls her free of me, the emptiness hits me right through my chest, cold and dark where my heart once was. It’s not there anymore; it’s with her. Forever, with her and Xander.

I fall to the mattress, huddling inside of the sheet which I pull tightly so I can wrap myself in a cocoon of darkness, listening as she wakes up and begins to cry for me. It’s a sound that will forever haunt me. Right now, I hate the world and everything in it. I let out a strangled sob as I listen to her screams getting louder and louder for her mother, for me to hold and reassure her. It feels like I’m slowly dying, listening to the sound of her being dragged away and her cries eventually becoming fainter. Too soon, they grow so faint, so hard to distinguish from the other hospital noises, until eventually, she’s gone, and all I can hear is my own misery.

“Stay with her until I get back,” Oliver barks at someone, most likely a guard, “do not let her out of your sight!”

“Yes, Sir!” a familiar voice replies dutifully.

It’s Leo; I can tell by his soft, low voice. Oliver’s shoes tip-tap away down the corridor, as I hear the contrasting sound of Leo’s soft-soled boots walking slowly toward me. He sighs sadly before sitting in the chair beside me, then places his hand on top of my tightly clenched one, which is squeezing the sheet so hard, it feels like it might bleed. I want it to bleed.

“Let it out, sweetheart,” he whispers and stays with me like that until I pass out through exhaustion, or maybe heartbreak, I can no longer tell or feel.

Chapter 15

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