Page 20 of Save You

As I shushed him and made cooing noises, which I copied from the midwife, he eventually gave up on his need to announce to the entire street that he was here and quite cross about the fact. Instead, he snuggled against me, then peered up with puffy, confused eyes, which were all grey and unable to focus. I teared up because I could see that even though I was nothing but a black blur to him, he knew who I was and that I was his. I also knew he was mine. Not Carl’s, just mine!

Soon after, he began to fidget with his mouth searching for food that he could already smell on my chest. If you ever needed reminding that you are an animal in this unusual, modern world, having a baby will prove it to you. Everything happens on instinct, from labor, birth, to his very first meal. My midwife helped him and me to find one another, for him to latch on and finally begin suckling with greedy gulps that would eventually leave me chapped and sore. However, watching him during that first time was nothing short of pure bliss, cementing my love and instant parental protectiveness over him.

When Tom knocked softly on the door, patiently waiting for the go-ahead to come in, his face was quite the picture. A scene of bloodied sheets, a bunch of women in white uniforms, and now me with a small human being resting on my naked chest was enough to have him looking extremely uncomfortable. The midwife laughed at him and muttered something about first-time fathers. We had looked at one another, knowing that he wasn’t my little man’s biological father, which only further added to the awkwardness of it all. It was easy to see that he felt like he was intruding. Something about that made me feel…disappointed.

Once the placenta was given the all-clear, and the room cleaned of as much blood and goodness knows what, as possible, the midwife left with her assistant to go and answer another call. Apparently, it was a full moon and there were babies popping out all over the place. I think Sadie was desperate to ask if she could go with them, but anxiety and the call of my little one had her thinking better of it. Instead, she went to see them out downstairs, thus leaving Tom, me, and my nameless little boy alone in the room.

He swayed on his feet and remained in the shadowy corner while running his hand nervously through his hair. He only ventured toward me when I had successfully covered up and given him a slight nod with a crooked, tired smile.

“May I?” he asks, holding out his arms to take the sleepy little boy from my chest. I smile and nod again, trying rather awkwardly to adjust my arms so I can pass him across to Tom. He appears to be a natural at it, and the baby accepts his embrace without any fuss. I watch as Tom smiles widely and mouths ridiculous noises and words to my son, all the while bobbing him up and down to try and keep him happy.

“He’s a handsome fella,” he says quietly, “but how’s Mummy doing?”

“Well, I’m not going to lie, that was an awful experience,” I reply bluntly, making him laugh, “but I think I’m pretty much in love with him already.”

“Well done, Rose,” he says, looking at me with a warm expression. “I remember my aunt giving birth to Sadie, but without the happy ending.” He then places his hand over mine as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. “I have to admit, Rose, I was bricking it downstairs.”

I look at him with an unsure furrowing of my brow, but then turn it into a smile to try and tell him how much his words, his support, his everything, means to me. I’m not sure if it’s what I achieve in my rather befuddled state, but the intention is there, nonetheless.

“Tom, I can’t thank you enough,” I tell him, for now seems the right time to, “I don’t know where I’d be without you and Sadie.”

He looks back at me and we stare at one another for a while, lost in unvoiced words and emotions. Tom pulls back first, looking nervous, as though he’s fighting something he can’t seem to control. My heart sinks over his reaction, so I decide it best to try and change the subject.

“I had to explain to the nurses that the scars on my body were from my father and not from you. I think the lead midwife was getting ready to attack when she saw my back.”

Why I thought this was a better, less awkward thing to mention, is beyond me. As soon as the words have left my mouth, I inwardly curse myself for being so callous. His face turns stony, not all that far away from angry, so I smile tightly and look away to sigh over my own stupidity.

“Is there anything I can get for you two?” he asks, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the baby.

“Yes, actually, a name,” I reply with a mischievous grin. His eyes almost double in size as he shoots his face up to look at me, making me giggle with relief over having moved on from our uncomfortableness.

“Really?” he gasps. “Gee, I don’t know. My father was a no-show, my grandfather was a religious nutter, and…I guess… Malcolm?”

“Ok, but Mal for short?”

“I like it,” he says with a smile, bobbing his head like he’s contemplating it over and over in his mind, “it’s my middle name.”

“Mal Taylor,” I say out loud, “it has a nice ring to it.”

“You’re putting my name on the birth certificate?” he asks with another look of shock, making me wonder if I’ve overstepped the mark with such a suggestion.

“I don’t have to, I can leave it blank,” I reply hurriedly, trying to calm him, “I don’t want to put Carl’s name on there, it might lead him back to us. But I understand if you don’t want your name on it…but if I can borrow ‘Taylor’?”

“Rose,” he whispers with his normal cheeky boy grin, and placing his hand back over mine, “it would be my honor to be on your son’s birth certificate, and no matter what happens, this little chap can always count on me to be a father figure to him.”

His words, my hormones, the birth of my son, all have me falling into silent tears, so he leans over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek. ‘Thank you’ I mouth, to which he silently answers, ‘No problem’.

Beth, now

Slivers of light enter the cozy, wooden-clad bedroom inside of our little, hidden cabin in the woods, stirring me from a dreamless sleep. I sigh in relief and contentment as I turn over to check on my boy, only when I do, Xander isn’t there. Instead, I find myself staring into the icy blue eyes of Oliver, who is now staring back at me with a fury that feels like he’s burning a hole in between my own. I take in a noisy breath before I finally emit a scream. After which, I’m pushing, kicking, and fighting with everything I have to get away from the monster who is lying beside me. It’s a fruitless battle as he grips hold of my wrists and pulls them toward. his chest tightly, trying to soothe me with shushing sounds. His reaction is a complete contrast to what I was expecting. A sharp blade to my neck would have been more in keeping with what I had been imagining. My face contorts in confusion, and I eventually force myself to look up into his eyes again.

Xander!

The man I love realizes that I have now come to and has finally accepted who he is. He wastes no more time before he pulls me into his warm, hard chest while whispering placations to help bring my heart rate back down and to regulate my breathing.

“Are you ok? Did I hurt you?” I gasp, placing my hands up and down his chest and abdomen, reminding me of Mum and her mandatory ‘mum check’ whenever Riley or I hurt ourselves. “I’m so sorry, I thought you were Oliver. I didn’t mean to-”

“You may have cracked my rib, but I’m fine,” he chuckles, and I bury my head into his embrace, feeling the heat of embarrassment from throwing myself about like a crazy person. “I can think of a thing or two to make it up to me though,” he whispers and begins to kiss me softly. His hands wander down to my waist, where he comes to a sudden stop. “Can we do this? I mean there’s a tiny person inside of you!” His worried-stricken face has me bursting into laughter and I know I couldn’t love him anymore right now. “Are you laughing at me?” he gasps, feigning an indignant expression.

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