Page 27 of Stay

“Okay,” I whisper, taking that as my cue to leave.

But before I can unlock the door, he presses his hand against it to keep it closed. “Didn’t say I needed to process it alone, Haley.”

I close my eyes and let the tears fall.

•••

Cole

Pulling her into my arms, I hug her tightly.

As mad as I want to be, I can’t bring the emotion to life. Whether it was wrong for her to keep this secret from me or not is no longer relevant. She panicked and did what she thought was best. Haley thinks she’s spared me the pain of something that was out of both our hands.

It kills me that she trusted me with so many of her painful secrets, but the one that involved both of us, she didn’t share. I’m honestly confused about how to feel.

On one hand, she’s right. The trajectory of my life would have been completely different if we’d had a baby. I fucking love kids. I want a ton of them one day. I would have given up my career in a heartbeat to have them with her. And part of me cringes because even though I’m not at all thankful she lost the baby, I am happy with how things turned out for me, personally.

Fuck me sideways. How selfish is that?

Yes, I would have given all this up if I had to. But I’m a little relieved that I didn’t have to.

Talk about a clusterfuck. I’m a fucking asshole.

There’s no doubt in my mind Haley would have been just as fast to put her life on hold too, and busted her ass to make sure my dreams came true at the expense of hers, if we could have that baby. She would have kissed her internship goodbye and settled for something less for us.

She’s not a selfish person.

She’s not vindictive either.

She was scared and didn’t think she could lean on someone else because she’s never leaned on anyone else before. I bet she was just as confused then as I am now.

How can I feel relief and failure at the same time about the same thing?

The bottom line is: We were young, and she found herself caught in a situation that scared the shit out of her. The universe made the choice for her so she wouldn’t have to.

That little comment about not telling me back then because I would have been disappointed? That’s her parents talking. I know it. Her parents couldn’t afford their rent, let alone her college tuition. She’d busted her ass and got a full ride to college. Guess what her parents did?

Nothing.

No “good job” or “we’re so proud of you.” They made her feel like shit and called her selfish for leaving them on the other side of the country.

I’ll never forget the message I saw on her cell when she graduated. They didn’t even show up for it, the fucking assholes. Instead, they sent her a text saying, “We hope you’re proud of yourself.”

To know she was battling the loss of a pregnancy on top of all that? Jesus fucking Christ, I want to scream.

Hayley likely thought I’d be disappointed that she’d miscarried. As if it was somehow her fault, which isn’t true at all. She couldn’t help what happened. I’d never want her to think that.

Or maybe she thought I’d be disappointed in her because I’d think she’d trapped me.

I wouldn’t have. Not even a little.

Jesus, this is so messed up.

“Look at me,” I growl against Haley’s shoulder. “Turn around and look at me, Angel.” She turns slowly until her back presses against the door I’m still holding closed. “Never again. Do you understand me? Never. Again.”

She doesn’t budge.

“No more secrets. No more running. No more bottling up your fucking feelings. If we’re going to do this, we’ve gotta trust each other, no matter what. And we’re going to be there for each other, no matter what.”

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