Page 15 of Jasper

Although I've wanted to do nothing else than protect myself, I've also closed myself off. Now I guess it's time to start peeling back those layers. "I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll be in there. Hopefully by then you'll already be asleep, and we won't have to say anything to each other."

She huffs. "Because Heaven forbid you have to talk about something that would explain more about your feelings. Whatever, Jasper. That’s okay, though. I’ll do what I always do when it comes to you. Figure it out on my own."

When she gets up, I don't stop her. I need her to be angry with me, need her to not look at me like I'm someone important to her. That shit hurts my heart and makes me feel like the worst person alive. I give her a few minutes and then I go into the bedroom to grab some clothes to change into. She's on her side of the bed, with her back to me. While I wish she'd look at me, I understand why she won’t. The best thing she does is give me the cold shoulder, she absolutely loves to punish me when I act like a fool. When I have everything I need, I leave as quietly as possible and leave the room.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. There's so much water under the bridge between us, and the only time I ever felt like I was understood was when I was with her. When she'd go to sleep at night, I'd burrow in next to her and feel the love from her. I hadn't felt that since my parents died, and I haven't felt it since I let her walk out of my life.

While waiting for the water to heat up, I ponder what the fuck I'm going to do. There's going to end up being a night where I accidentally get too close, where I give in. Obviously, we've got to give in at some point to have a child, but I know I'm going to give in before she does, and it's going to break me. I just hope I'll be able to survive it this time.

At least better than I did before.

* * *

When I get back to the bedroom, she's turned over and her eyes are open. She watches as I turn all the lights off, and the fan I always have at my bedside table on.

"I see you still use a fan, even when it's cold outside," she complains as she tugs the covers up around her neck.

"I sleep hot, Daisy Mae. Surely you remember that."

"Hmmm. I haven't heard that name in a long time." She curls into herself, stealing the blankets like she's always done. "You know Mae isn't my middle name, right?"

"Yeah, I'm aware. I never thought that it was. I'm not that oblivious to you, Daisy. I'm not oblivious to you at all. It's the name I gave you in my mind the first time I met you. It's what I've always called you. Do you hate it?" I wait, not breathing as she seems to contemplate the question.

Eyes turned golden in the low light flash over to mine. "No, I don't hate that you call me that. I hate that it makes my stomach lurch because it makes me feel special but I know you. There's nothing about you that sets out to make me feel special."

I swallow hard, wanting to reach out and grab her hand, wishing I could be the man she's desperate for me to be. But I'm not him. I'm not sure I ever will be, and I could lie to both of us, but I refuse to. I've been lied to so much in my life that I won't do it to anyone else. "I don't intend to make you feel special, but if that works for you, then lean into it, Daisy. I can't promise that I'm never going to hurt you, because let's face it: I am who I am. What I can promise you is that I won't set out to do it. This may not be the love your wished for, but I'll be faithful and honest."

She nods, pulling the blankets up tighter around her neck. "But can you love me, Jasper? That's what I'm dying to find out."

I close my eyes, sighing heavily. "I don't know, Daisy. I haven't loved anyone in a long time. I'm not even sure I know what the hell that means anymore."

Reaching out through the semi-darkness, she grabs my hand. "Maybe I can teach you, if you're willing to learn."

"Maybe you can."

But as we get situated, I don't put any stock into that thought. I'm not made for love. My grandfather took care of that.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Daisy

I'm more tired than I should be this morning. All because I've spent the weekend sleeping in the same bed as my husband. It's fucking with everything right now. I can't sleep, am not super interested in food, and all I want to do is lay on the couch with him at the other end, while we watch stupid movies. My shit isn't even unpacked yet.

I'm standing outside of Little Tikes, helping parents as they get their kids out of their vehicles and greeting my students. A familiar extended cab Ford pulls up. I walk toward the back passenger seat, step up on the running board, and wave at Ashlynn. She is the happiest girl in the morning. She waves back, dimples in her cheeks, gold studs in her ears, and a bottle in her mouth. "Her hair looks better this morning." I give Nolan a playful glare.

He shakes his head. "Still looking for a nanny, Daisy. Sure you don't wanna tell your new husband to fuck off and come work for me?"

It had been tempting before I was married. Nolan is the most eligible bachelor in town, even though Jasper arguably was number two because of the Hamilton wealth. Ashlynn got those dimples from her daddy, and it's never easy to say no to the man who's standing behind me, heat rolling off his body. But I'm not prepared to work as a personal nanny, and something tells me Nolan won't be easy to deal with when it comes to his daughter. "No, thanks. I kind of like him, and I still get to see Ashlynn, so win/win."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Let me get her out. Can you grab her bag?"

"Yep." I open the passenger side and reach in, getting the bag he brings with her daily. There are days when I want to tell him he overpacks more than any other parent here at the school, but then I realize he probably wouldn't take it as the teasing joke I mean for it to be. None of us really know how Ashlynn came to be with him. He just showed up with her one day when she was a tiny baby and introduced her as his daughter. "Hey, girlie." I reach out and poke at her stomach, making her laugh. "Wanna come with me so your dad doesn't have to go in? He'll never get back out."

Nolan sighs. "I love the fact that y'all take such good care of her here. I don't have to worry while I'm at work, but those office ladies never want to let me go once I come in."

It's true. They're always flirting and offering him a night out if he needs it. Only it's not a night where they watch Ashlynn. It's a night where they take him out, and they want to be the one on his arm. "Let me save you, I'll take care of it. Is her snack in here?" I dig into the bag.

"Yup. That healthy fruit roll-up shit that she loves."

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