Page 22 of Just a Little in Love

Then Daddy moved and Rowan’s eyes shot open. He could feel something hard poking into the top of his thigh and thought about his own body. And how much he hated it. Everything down there had always been hidden away. Dirty. Even when he saw Daddy Gabriel, the pad always hid his reaction.

And Mother—

Rowan’s breath hitched as the thing he had been trying to avoid thinking about slammed into his brain.

“Rowan?”

And now Daddy was awake and he would go. Rowan clamped his hand down on Daddy’s arm, willing him not to move.

“Rowan, are you okay?” Daddy huffed. “Sorry, that was a really dumb question. I guess we fell asleep, huh?”

So Daddy didn’t really want to be in here with him. It was an accident. Of course it was. He should let go, but he didn’t seem to be able to move his hand.

“How about I go get us both a drink? What would you like?”

Rowan wanted to cover his ears with his hands and pretend he couldn’t hear, but that would mean letting go of Daddy’s hand and then he would go.

Daddy was silent a moment. He was probably working out how to let Rowan down gently.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Rowan blurted out. “I’ll go. I have my car.” Rowan hissed in a breath at his slip. “And I called you Daddy without your name. I’m sorry.” He must hate him. If Rowan could have vanished on the spot, he would. Or died. He could die. No one would miss him.

“Woah,” Daddy Gabriel interrupted his mental ramblings. “No one’s dying.”

Oh crap, he’d said that out loud. He kept doing that.

“Rowan, turn and look at me, please.” Rowan cringed. “Rowan,” Daddy repeated in a tone that seemed to melt everything inside him and Rowan had turned before he knew it. But Daddy didn’t shout or get out of bed. He pulled Rowan against his chest. Rowan inhaled. He smelled wonderful, even through the shirt he still wore from last night.

“I’m—”

“How about you stop apologizing for something that isn’t your fault?”

Rowan clamped his mouth shut.

“There’s only two things I need from you at the moment. Firstly, I want you to understand that I’m not going to pester you with questions. You want to talk to me, then I’m happy to listen. I’m also happy to make sure you get to talk to Charlie today, your dad, or one of your other friends as well. Secondly, I want to know what you’d like to do today. I’d love for you to stay here. I’m also happy to take you to your dad’s or Charlie’s. Anything you want at all, just say.”

“Was it my fault?”

Daddy didn’t let him go. If anything, he tightened his arm around him. “Was what your fault, Rowan?”

“She might have died. She might have died, and I should have known.”

“How about you tell me who you mean?”

So Rowan did. He told Daddy all about growing up. How Mother and Father—Dad—had fought over what he was allowed to do all the time. How his mother always said he had a sensitive stomach, then the cancer. It all kept spilling out like he couldn’t stop. Then the mix-up with the vitamins and Mother’s sleeping pills, and Daddy went very very still, but after a few seconds when Rowan worried he’d said too much, Daddy encouraged him to keep going.

“It was like no matter what I did, it was always wrong. It was easier to agree with Mother because she made less of a fuss that way. Dad just went quiet, and he was away at work a lot, anyway.” Rowan bit his lip. “The police think she did it to me, but they can’t prove it because it was too long ago.”

And Rowan knew something else now. Mother didn’t love him. Rowan was a duty. She said she loved him, but in a startling moment of clarity, he knew she didn’t. He just didn’t understand why.

So he told Daddy some more. About his bed-times and the food and how he didn’t understand any of it.

Daddy Gabriel listened very carefully. “Rowan, I want to ask you something. It isn’t to do with your mom because while I will always support whatever decision you make, I think you need to talk to someone professionally about this. And we’ll make that happen,” he added when Rowan opened his mouth to object.

“What I want to ask you is about being a little. Do you let your little side out because you feel safe and happy then, or is it a way of fitting in with your friends?”

And Rowan thought about his secret space at his dad’s house. Then he thought about his reaction to Woody. It seemed odd. “I can’t be little unless I feel really safe, but then I don’t know …no, it’s as if I don’t know how to be my sort of little.”

Daddy nodded. “Ah, so you’re saying the safety has to come first before you let yourself be a little, and even then, how deep you go may depend on how you feel?”

---