Page 170 of Never Let You Go

“Remember when you told me to focus on the important things when there’s too many balls in the air? That’s what I did. I focused on you. You were the most important thing to me. You showed me true love. I barely ever thought about Red Barn after the first few weeks here.” For months, I’d been happy, truly happy. “I won’t take the exam, Christopher. It’s that simple. This way, we’ll be back to where we were.”

“Don’t you see?” he shouts. “You didn’t trust me! How am I supposed to be with someone who doesn’t trust me?”

Oh god. I’ve been so closed off, so used to protecting myself, I never knew how to trust people. Not even him. My eyes well up again, my bottom lip trembles, and I can’t come up with something to say to him that will make him change his mind.

If I couldn’t give him my trust, do I even deserve him?

But how am I going to live without him? My heart booms in my chest, then seems to stop. “Please. Don’t—Don’t do this to us.”

“There is no ‘us,’ Alexandra! I don’t know who you are.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Hell, I was going to… I was going to tell Skye about us. I was trying to convince you that you’d be happier living here and just being… with me. With us. But all along, I was only a stepladder for you.”

I don’t have the energy to wipe away my tears. All I can do is shake my head.

“You’ve blindsided me, Alexandra.” He shrugs, regaining his control. “You’ll do great. At least Rita taught you deception. That’ll come in handy. Nothing I taught you here will help you where you’re going.”

His words cut deep. “I’m not going anywhere. And you taught me… love, in many different forms.”

I wait for him to say something. To acknowledge what I just said. But he doesn’t answer, so I say it again, differently. “I love you, Christopher, and you’re the most important part of my life,” I whisper.

He pushes himself from the table and takes two steps back. “I need to go, and you should too. Get some rest before your exam. Lots riding on it.” His sarcasm slits me, even if I deserve it. I’ve hurt him.

“I love you, Christopher,” I repeat, forcing my voice beyond the sobs that threaten. “You’ll win the competition. I know it. And I’ll be here when you come back.”

His jaw clenches. I can see how wounded he is because I kept something from him, and strangely that makes me believe in us even more.

“When you told me you loved me,” I continue, “I believed you. And I believe you still do. And the reason I didn’t say it back last night—”

He raises his palms toward me. “Stop, Alexandra. Please give me this,” he says as he continues backing away from me.

“Okay,” I say softly. “But I’ll be here when you come back. I won’t take the exam. No going back for me.”

“Don’t,” he cuts in. “Don’t do that. It won’t help. I can’t trust someone who didn’t trust me.” Then he turns around and walks out of the bakehouse into the kitchen, his footsteps receding, until there’s nothing but the ticking of the clock.

I wait for him to turn around, change his mind.

I wait in vain.

It could feel like he walked out of my life, but I won’t let it be that. I have something worth fighting for, and I will. I’ll show him how much I love him.

Still, I don’t have the courage to sleep alone tonight, so close to him. So I grab the duffel bag that’s still unpacked in my room and minutes later, I’m in Sarah’s room at the inn.

fifty

Alexandra

Christopher leaves for Boston the next day without saying goodbye, and I feel suspended.

Surely, this can’t be the end.

Surely, he just needs to focus on the competition.

He needs time for himself.

I play back what he said to me.

That I blindsided him.

Didn’t trust him.

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