Page 146 of Never Let You Go

We clink glasses, and she says, “Look. I get that you guys want to keep it a secret. But I just wanted to say, thank you. Christopher has never been happier. It’s like his life took on another dimension, and it’s all because of you. He’s making plans. He’s not half as grumpy as he used to be. He’s running for New England’s Best Baker. He believes in himself, again. He believes in life, again.”

I feel myself blushing. “I have nothing to do with the competition—”

“Oh, you have everything to do with it. Believe me. Everyone tried. No one succeeded. But you show up and… ta-da!”

I frown. “But why? I don’t get it.”

She smiles. “Deep down, Christopher needs to prove himself. He always has. Even though he’s an awesome father, successful business owner, pillar of the community, he’ll always feel that he’s not good enough for the people he loves.” She glances at the bread baking in her oven.

My blush deepens. “Christopher doesn’t love me,” I say. “We’re— We’re just having fun.”

“He may not have told yet that he loves you, and he may not admit it even to himself, but he does.”

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. There’s no way. It can’t be.

My heart beats faster, and I take a longer sip to calm my nerves. “This is not what you think,” I say. “I can assure you there’s nothing… deep between us.”

Except when he falls asleep holding me tight at night.

When he stays entangled with me through the morning.

When he brings me coffee in bed, his eyes boring into me like I’m the most precious being on earth.

It doesn’t feel like just sex.

It doesn’t feel like sex at all.

“All I can say is, he’s never been happier than now,” Grace answers. “I hope you two work it out. When you have something so special, so unique… you need to fight for it.” Her eyes well up.

“But we don’t,” I insist, all the while realizing that, if she’s right, if there’s a remote chance that Christopher has feelings for me, then I’ll be breaking his heart. “Like I said, we’re just having fun.”

“So, tell me this,” Grace continues. “Why are you taking care of his daughter like she’s yours?”

“Because… I love her. She’s— You know how she is.” I’m blinking the tears away. “It’s got nothing to do with Christopher.”

“Honey, when a woman has just fun with a man, she doesn’t give two cents about the guy’s kids. She just wants them out of the way.”

I’ve got nothing to say to that. She could be right. She could be wrong. I never dated a single dad before. Then again, I never wanted a man the way I want Christopher, and I’ve never felt that Skye was in the way.

“When are you supposed to leave?” she asks.

I take a deep, shaky breath. “Mid-June. Right after my exam.” I look out the window.

“And why are you crying?” she adds softly as I wipe my cheek.

Because Christopher won’t be the only one hurt when I leave. Because I don’t know how to fix the mess I created. But I can’t say these words. I can’t bring myself to think through the depth and consequences of my emotions.

When I leave Grace’s home an hour later, Skye hugs and kisses me, leaving a wet trace on my cheek that I actually cherish. The dirt road shortcut from Grace’s home is closed during mud season, so I take the long way back. The road takes me by the arena. I check the time on the dashboard clock and slow down, glancing at the long, gray building. People are trickling out. The game is over.

I pull into the parking lot.

Slowly, groups exit, families around their fathers, women clutched to their men, children running around them.

I feel a pang of envy. I try not to project myself, though, because I know how this can be dangerous for me.

And then the thoughts pour out, whether I want them to or not. What would it be like to belong here? If circumstances were such that this could be my life? I could be openly beaming at my sexy boyfriend rolling his muscles, carrying his child in my arms before we all huddled home together in our car. He’d be leaning toward me, feather kiss on my lips, promise of more.

I can’t let myself go down this path. This life is not for me, and I can’t pretend I’m living it, even on lease.

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