Page 127 of Never Let You Go

And so we’re seated at a booth in the back when I ask, “Tell me about this guy Jerry.” I’m tired of talking about me. I need some gossip on Barbara.

“I met Jerry a few months ago, when your grandmother was diagnosed. She asked me to find him.”

“Find him? Is he an oncologist?”

“He’s… your mom’s father.”

Jerry is my mom’s father? Rita asked Barbara to find him when she was on her deathbed? So my mom’s father—my grandfather—is no longer some shadow figure from the past? As in, I could meet him? I’m elated.

Wait. Jerry, Barbara’s lover, is my mom’s father? I’m horrified. “Are you saying you’re shagging my grandfather?”

“Do people still use that word?” Barbara frowns.

“It’s gross!”

“Not a fan of that word either. It makes it sound like less than what it is.” Her eyes turn dreamy.

And then it hits me, and I’m deliriously happy. For myself. For Barbara too, but for myself first, selfishly. I squeal, then giggle nervously. “When can I meet him? Where is he? Why didn’t you bring him here?”

“He’s uh… He’s taking his time.”

I can barely contain my shriek. “Taking his time? He’s like, fifty years taking his time.” That doesn’t make sense at all. “How long have you been together? Like, did they split up because of you?” Oh my god that’s totally it. He loved both women and couldn’t make a choice. “Are you his other woman?” Horror again.

“Boy! You’ve got quite an imagination. I met Jerry when your grandmother was diagnosed. I told you. She asked me to find him for her.”

Right. She did say that. I forgot already. Ohmygod my world is swirling. Does she not see how wonderful this is? I’m bound to lose track of the details. Still, I can’t pass on the opportunity of a jab at Rita. “Sounds like her. Asking you to do her dirty work.”

Barbara waves the concern away in a jingle of bracelets. “Honey, she was terminally ill. It put things in perspective for her. Also, it kind of drained her energy.”

“So did they meet? How was it?”

“They met, oh, a couple of months before she died. He came to New York. It was awkward and sad. They were two very different people.”

“And he didn’t think to meet me? When he was in New York?”

“He did. He carries a lot of guilt too. I’m helping him through it.”

He was not my dad, he was my grandfather, and I never missed or imagined him materializing at our front door like I used to with my father. Jerry had never been a concern for me, except when Mom met him, and she was real happy. I thought I would get that happy, too, someday, meeting my own dad.

“He met Mom once—that I know of,” I say, remembering those weeks before she died.

Barbara nods slowly. “He’s dealing with this too. Letting Rita get away with taking their child. Not doing the right thing.”

If Barbara is with him, he has to be a good guy. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. “What ever happened between them?”

“They were very young. The pregnancy was unplanned, of course. And his parents didn’t approve. The town turned against her. She was a nobody, and they blamed her for getting pregnant. His family came from money, hers didn’t. They put pressure on him to let her go, gave her some money in exchange for leaving. She took the money and never looked back.

“I met her shortly after, when she was in Brooklyn, baking from her kitchen, selling to local stores. He didn’t try to reach out, not at first. And when he did, she pushed him away. Got a restraining order on him, although according to him, he hasn’t done anything wrong. But by that time, the roles were reversed. Now Rita was a respected member of the Greater New York business community, while in New York, Jerry was a hick from Vermont. She struck back, and it stung. She never forgave him.”

“Until she was on her deathbed.”

“You know, I don’t think her reaching out to him was about forgiveness. It was more about taking care of loose ends.”

Not surprised. Rita was not into forgiving. She’d need to have a minimum of empathy for that. I can bear testament to the fact that she had none. “What loose ends?”

Barbara sighs. “That’s not a good choice of words, but… yeah. They discussed you. Rita wanted you to have him in your life.”

“That makes no sense at all. She hated men. She hated him.”