Page 42 of Glad You're Here

eighteen

Thea

Tingling pain burned through my legs, making every position unbearable. I shifted in bed, trying not to wake Levi. I could tell he’d only fallen asleep after doing some breathing exercises to calm his anxiety. He thought I was already sleeping. I felt him lean over to check on me before he started his breathwork, as if he were too embarrassed to do it in front of me.

I was no psychologist — I quit school only five classes into my degree program— but I felt fairly confident I could diagnose him with anxiety and PTSD from childhood abuse and religious trauma.

And I was passively suicidal.

We all had our shit.

Except, maybe I wasn’t passively suicidal anymore. I turned onto my side. The position made my hips ache more, but I could see Levi’s face this way. My eyes had adjusted to the dark long ago so I could make out his profile. His peaceful breathing made me happy. The curve of his lips made me smile. I wanted to find out what my life could look like with this man in the picture.

I wanted to work through his anxiety and my pain. For the first time I could remember, living seemed worth my while.

I resisted the urge to run my fingers gently across his lips, not wanting to wake him. I still felt like a jerk for blowing up at him when he didn’t want to sleep with me and for hurting him back in September. I thought about myself and my problems way too much. Rumination and pity parties never led to anything good in my head.

I also wondered if I pushed Levi too far when we were fooling around. I wanted him to completely rail me, but he wasn’t ready. Levi wasn’t like other guys. And thank fuck for that. I could wait as long as he needed me to.

I shifted again, hoping to miraculously arrange my limbs so they wouldn’t hurt. I turned away from Levi, pulling the blanket up to my chin. Nope. It was still painful. I tried the fetal position. That offered my hips a bit of relief but increased the discomfort in my knees. I could do this for hours and still not be able to fall asleep. I usually gave up on bad nights and headed to my studio to paint.

Levi’s warm body enveloped mine, and he whispered, “Are you hurting?”

“Sorry that I woke you,” I whispered back.

He brushed the hair from my neck and placed a soft kiss at the base. “Where does it hurt?”

I didn’t like this. I didn’t want him to see me as small and weak. But he’d been unbelievably vulnerable with me. I could retreat a few inches. “Um, mostly my legs tonight. Hips, thighs, knees, and ankles.”

Without saying another word, Levi began squeezing and massaging my hips. Then he moved slowly down my legs. He wasn’t trying to turn me on, but it happened anyway. I sighed with pleasure as his warm, strong hands gripped my thighs. Pleasure and pain mingled to create a dizzying effect.

Levi paused and looked at me with concern. “Thea, do you still write the notes?” he whispered.

My eyes popped open, and I shifted away from him. It was a reflex. Run. Don’t let it get too deep. Don’t feel too much. Run. One of my therapists told me it was because my fight or flight is always switched on. She also told me I run from people because I’m so afraid that I’ll be a burden on them — that maybe I never really did stop blaming myself for my mom’s death.

But I had to stop running some time, didn’t I?

Levi bit his lip and reached for me. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want you here.”

I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t write them anymore.” I met his gaze and continued, “I haven’t written one since you saw them on my computer.”

“Do you think about writing them?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Not often. Sometimes, when the pain is unbearable, or I start down the dark thought spiral of wishing that I didn’t exist so my aunt could still have her little sister.” I sat up and looked him in the eye. “But something changed yesterday when I slipped at Delicate Arch. I want my life, Levi. Okay? I want it.”

Relief flooded his face, and he pulled me into his arms, smothering my face and neck with kisses. “I knew you’d find your reasons, Thea. You have this glow inside, and it’s too bright for anyone to put out. Did you know that?”

Those nonsensical butterflies rushed to life in a torrent of emotion. A lump formed in my throat, and I forced a laugh. “Stop.”

Levi grinned back at me as soft morning light drifted through a slit in the curtains. The sun was rising, meaning neither of us had slept all night. Levi resumed massaging my legs and said, “Mormons have a favorite saying. They like to say that devout members have ‘the light of Christ,’ and they say it like it’s the end all— the only goal worth achieving.” His hands glided down to my shins. “But I’d rather have your light in my life. My family and old friends feel sorry for me, but I think I feel more sorry for all of them because they don’t know you.”

Damn those butterflies.

I tried to roll my eyes but couldn’t scoff at Levi’s genuine compliment. Instead, I whispered, “Do you really mean all that?”

“You know I do.” His fingers circled both of my ankles.

“I’m not sure I deserve all these nice things you’re saying to me.” My voice felt thick, and the words were slow to come out. Big feelings were uncomfortable, and Levi was all up in mine, making me look at them.

---