Page 37 of Glad You're Here

We were quiet as we walked back to Thea’s room, each of us stealing glances at the other. My glances meant I wanted her. What did hers mean? Stay back? We’re only friends?

We sat cross-legged on her bed, and she taught me how to play poker. Her hair, her eyes, her lips, and that bare leg that stuck out of her dress had me completely distracted.

During our second game, I had four of a kind. Thea looked into my eyes and burst out laughing. “Levi! You’re not supposed to smile when you have a good hand! Poker face!”

I laughed, too. “I didn’t know I was smiling.”

“Practice your poker face right now. Convince me that you have terrible cards. Trick me!”

Our eyes locked, and I shook my head. “I don’t want to trick you.”

Thea’s ice melted. “Holy shit,” she whispered with a soft smile.

After I lost the next three games in a row, Thea laughed, rested her hand on my knee, and said, “We can play something else.” Her voice was low, husky, and painfully sexy.

I swallowed. “Like what?”

Thea tossed her cards on the bed between us and leaned back against the pillows. What If I hovered over her, pressed my body into hers, and kissed her? I knew her body would feel incredible against mine. I was already at half mast looking at her lying there.

She smiled and patted the pillows beside her. “Maybe we could talk and listen to music.”

I wanted her. I wanted to bury my hands in her hair and kiss her lips until they were red and swollen. I wanted to kiss all the way up her leg until I reached her—

And then my parents’ voices were in my head. “It would be better to die than break the law of chastity.” I was maybe twelve the first time they said that to me. I didn’t even know what breaking the law of chastity entailed at that point. I only knew I’d die before I did it.

I slowly gathered up the cards and hyper-focused on the feel of the glossy cardboard in my hands. I fanned them out and read them in my head. Seven of diamonds, ten of spades, two of spades, eight of hearts, six of clubs. I didn’t care what my parents thought of me. I’d already told them to go to hell. I didn’t care what they thought. They were wrong.

“Dude, are you okay?” Thea sat up.

I couldn’t look at her. She was so beautiful that it hurt not to touch her. But I couldn’t touch her. What if one simple kiss led to sex? I had what I could only classify as a panic attack the last time I’d tried to drunkenly sleep with someone outside of marriage.

Even within marriage, sex was uncomfortable for me. My wedding night lacked all passion and existed in my memory as nerves and tangled limbs in the dark. I don’t think my ex-wife enjoyed anything I did to her body. She never said anything, but I could have sworn I heard her sniffling in the middle of the night.

Purity culture screwed people up. I knew that much. I needed to take this so slow.

Would Thea understand?

I slid the cards back into their case and cleared my throat. “I’m feeling a little sick. I might go back to my room and sleep,” I said.

“Oh.” Thea sounded disappointed, didn’t she? She wanted me to stay. “Can I get you anything?”

I half-smiled. “Nah. I’ll be fine.” I stood and headed for the door, hoping she couldn’t see my shaking hands. “I’ll see you bright and early in the morning for our drive to Arches.” I left before she could answer.

I had to pull my shit together.

sixteen

Thea

Was Levi into me? He didn’t act like regular dudes when it came to sexual attraction. Every guy I’d ever dated had tried to get handsy on the first date. Levi kept his hands annoyingly to himself. I even wore the dress, the one that’s like, “Hey, put your hands all over me. Think dirty, dirty thoughts about me.” He looked like he was a fan of the freaking dress, but he didn’t take the bait.

Ew. Why wouldn’t he touch me? Like, forget being a respectful gentleman and make a girl feel a little sexy!

Unless he didn’t want me that way.

Shit. He hadn’t even kissed me yet. We were four days into our trip, and he hadn’t even attempted a kiss. I liked to tell myself that I took what I wanted when it came to men, but as it turned out, I’d never chased a guy before. Maybe I’d never actually wanted one that badly in the past. That thought made my heart leap uncomfortably. Did that mean I wanted Levi more than I’d ever wanted anyone? I glanced at him, striding confidently by my side, and I almost tripped over a protruding rock.

“You okay?” Levi caught my elbow.

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