Page 51 of The Summer I Destroyed You

And for the second time in a single day, I’m also sick with relief.

* * *

This dress doesn’t fit.

I used my babysitting money to buy it in a store that was full of other girls shopping together, or shopping with their moms. Beside me, on the other side of the partition, I could hear a mother fretting over the fit of the dress her daughter was trying on. “You look beautiful, hon, but why don’t we go up a size and have it taken in? That’s better than wearing a dress that’s too tight all night—believe me.” And the daughter was inexplicably annoyed. She’d had no clue how lucky she was to have someone who cared enough to put in that much work, who’d come with her to shop, who could offer an opinion that wasn’t laced with small barbs.

Me? I didn’t even tell my mother I was coming tonight. It was easier than enduring her questions, her derision.

And now I’m standing on the steps of Lucas Hall in a dress that’s way too tight because it was the largest size they had, waiting for a boy I really wanted to impress—which seems less likely by the second, with the way I’m sweating.

My phone buzzes in my hand.

James

I’m so sorry. We’re finally off 280. My mom says we should be there in about twenty minutes.

My shoulders sag. God, another twenty minutes? It would be one thing if I could have waited at home, but no…instead, I’m on full display in front of everyone, stuffed into this dress, my feet pinched by these cheap high heels. Everyone who walks past stares as if I’ve wound up here by accident. Of course they do. They can’t believe for a fucking minute that Emmy the Semi could get a date.

I’m sorry it’s been such a long drive. I can’t wait to see you!

James

It’s all worth it. I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I’m so fucking nervous.

Same. We’ll be nervous together.

* * *

I wake sweating, as if I’m still tugging at that tight dress, still waiting, still trying to ignore everyone laughing as they pass.

And then I’m bitterly disappointed in myself.

I had my shot last night, and I didn’t take it. All because…what? Because Liam kissed me? Because he asked me not to? It’s easy to take the moral high ground when you’re not the one with an axe to grind. It’s easy when you’re not the one who wakes up drenched in sweat from terrible memories.

Would Liam ever truly understand what my life was like back then? That I spent every day being ridiculed and taunted, and then came home to a mother who was even worse?

Of course he wouldn’t. He thinks this whole thing with Bradley and the rest of them is just some petty bullshit on my part. He doesn’t understand that my past is like a scarlet A I’m forced to wear, and the only way I right the balance is by making sure all of them are forced to wear their shame too. One day, when they realize how they’ve caused their own suffering, none of us will be laughing. But not if I keep letting Liam get his way. Not if I keep letting him stop me from punishing Bradley and taking my mother down a peg.

And maybe it’s all a trick. Maybe this has been a long con on his part, one he began late last winter, to convince me not to take Lucas Hall. He’s slowly and insidiously bending me into someone I’m not.

I close my eyes, though, and think of that kiss, of the way his lips pressed harder and his hands staked a claim. I press my fingers to my mouth.

I think you can be both, he said. I shouldn’t believe a word of it, but it felt real. It felt really, really real.

But I’ve thought that before, haven’t I? And I’ve always come to regret it.

Liam is not going to ruin this for me. I’m done letting anyone in this town trick me into believing impossible things.

* * *

He’s in the backyard early on Monday, getting set up.

I follow Snowflake out to the deck, tugging my sweatshirt down over my sleep shorts.

He drops the plywood he’s carrying and his gaze meets mine. There’s something in the way he looks at me—something gentle and feral at the same time—that makes me wish I was a different girl.

For a moment, I want to abandon this entire plan.

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