Page 75 of Rock On

“Tell us.”

“Well.” I looked at Harley. “I wanted to go back to our conversation from the other night. About sex.”

Harley looked surprised. “You mean, how many guys I slept with?”

“God, no.” I shook my head. “I’d be a huge hypocrite to have an issue with that. I’m talking about the type of things you did and why.”

Now she looked confused. “I don’t understand.”

“We used to push the envelope in that department, and there’s a part of me that’s worried that was because you thought that was what I wanted.” I paused. “And you did it to please me instead of telling me no. Kind of like with the threesome.”

Her lips formed an “O” as she stared at me.

“Harley? Are you okay?” Allisha asked when she didn’t reply right away.

“I’m thinking,” she said after a moment. “I remember when we started to up the intensity in the bedroom, but I don’t remember not wanting to do the things we did. I wasn’t super comfortable with letting people watch, but it was more about who the people were.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked in frustration.

“Because I loved you,” she said simply.

As if that explained everything.

“I feel like that right there is where we broke down.”

“I have to agree,” Allisha said. “It seems as though that’s the crux of the issues. You couldn’t tell him how uncomfortable some of your sexual antics made you, and it bled over into other things. Like when you found out you were pregnant. In that instance, you couldn’t just give in and do whatever it was, so you walked away.”

“We can’t rebuild a marriage if you’re going to run every time things get tough,” I said gently. “I need you to trust me, Harley, and the worst part is, I don’t know what I did to make you not trust me.”

“I don’t think you necessarily did anything,” she said after a moment. “You were… Tommy Bane. From Onyx Knight. The guy women all over the world wanted. Somewhere in my subconscious, I knew I was going to have to be the perfect woman for you if I wanted to keep you. So saying no wasn’t an option. It had nothing to do with you. It was all about me. I loved you so much, I would have done anything not to lose you.”

“And now?” Allisha prodded.

“Now I have more to think about than myself.”

“You do, but taking care of River wouldn’t really impact what the two of you do in the bedroom.”

“Yeah, but that night at the cemetery…” Tommy looked conflicted. “I was into it, but after the fact, I couldn’t believe I left bruises. That’s not the man I am, and I don’t think that’s who you want me to be.”

“What we did that night was exactly what I wanted in the moment,” Harley said slowly. “I wanted you, as rough and dirty as possible. There was no coercion, no influence. That was all me. Because as far as I can tell, that’s the only way I can get off anymore.”

I didn’t believe that.

I had a million things to say and probably a dozen sexual suggestions, but I couldn’t vocalize them in front of Allisha. We could talk about sex in the abstract, but I wouldn’t discuss those types of intimate details, not even in front of our therapist. We were definitely going to talk about them in private, though.

“I’m sure discussing the details of your sex life in front of me is difficult,” Allisha said, reading my mind. “And that’s okay. But you absolutely need to talk about them to each other. Preferably before you become intimate again.”

“That’s my plan,” I said quickly. “I just needed to make sure I was going about this the right way.”

“I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong way,” Allisha said. “It’s all about the two of you and your dynamic. What works for you won’t necessarily work for someone else. The biggest thing is to communicate and be receptive to each other’s needs and insecurities. Sex is one of the most intimate things you can share with another human being, and for two people with your history, it shouldn’t be something that makes you nervous.”

Harley cocked her head in my direction. “Are you…nervous?”

I chuckled. “Not about the act itself, but about the level of intensity…yeah. Kinda.”

“I’m sorry.” She looked mortified and I quickly reached for her hand.

Physical contact seemed to be her love language lately, and whenever I touched her, whether it was holding hands or sitting on my lap or even brushing her hair out of her face, she relaxed.

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