Page 47 of Rock On

We spoke in unison and exchanged a look before we followed her to a table.

A waitress brought us coffee and dropped off menus, but I wasn’t that hungry. I sipped my coffee and stared out at the shore, wondering what was on his mind and if we would ever be able to sort out the past.

“You should have told me,” he said, once he’d ordered a breakfast with enough food to feed a small family.

“About River?” I asked.

“About River. About the fact that you got pregnant because of a threesome we participated in together. About everything.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” I admitted. “I knew it would hurt you and I hated myself for letting something like that happen, but I also couldn’t get rid of the baby. And there was a part of me that was afraid you would ask me to.”

He stared at me. “You think I would have asked you to have an abortion?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jesus, Harley.” His voice was filled with frustration.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked softly. “You were so upset yesterday.”

He shook his head. “I was, but I had time to think, and I met with Allisha early this morning. She helped me see that I was having a hard time because when you told me you only slept with Carter the one time, I realized everything I thought I knew was wrong. I’d made you the villain in my story, but now I think maybe it was me, and that didn’t sit right with me.”

“I don’t think there are any villains in this story,” I said slowly. “I think there were some imperfect human beings who were too dumb to communicate properly.”

“How did we get to a place where you thought I needed protecting and I thought you’d left me for my best friend?”

“You thought I was with Carter? Like, romantically?” It was my turn to stare. “What makes you think that? I know for a fact he had a very active sex life during that time period.”

“Once I found out when River was born, I did some rudimentary math and he was born about six months after the night we had the threesome. I assumed you were pregnant that night, and that Carter had done it intentionally to hide your pregnancy because you were already pregnant.”

I gaped at him. “No. I had some complications with my blood pressure and River came seven weeks early. He was only four pounds. I told you—Carter and I only had sex one time!”

“I know that now. But back then I was too mad to even consider details like that.”

“Plus you just said you and Carter were having threesomes and shit! You think I would have been okay with that?”

“I had no idea. Maybe you weren’t exclusive. Maybe you were fighting. I should have known better, but I was hurt and angry so those were the scenarios I thought up in my head.”

“We shouldn’t have kept the baby from you but you should have known I would never put up with that if we were a couple.”

“Like I said, I was upset.”

“And I’m sorry you thought those things. I… I just didn’t know how you would react. And I wanted to be a mom more than anything.”

“Did Carter ever tell you how it happened? I mean, was it a broken condom?”

I sighed.

Carter and I had argued the night he’d told me the truth, one of the only times I’d ever been truly angry with him.

“He didn’t wear one. We were so caught up in the moment…” I shrugged. “He said he never even thought about it.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Carter.” He shook his head, looking out at the beach. “Dumbass.” He was quiet for a beat. “Did I force you to do that, Harley? The threesome.”

“Allisha asked me the same question.” I was thoughtful. “I used to think you coerced me into it, but now I realize it was more about our lack of communication. It also made it easier for me to put the blame on you instead of taking responsibility for my actions.”

“If I’d known how you were feeling, I never would have forced you to do anything, Harley. I hope you know that.”

“We were always pushing the envelope back then,” I whispered. “After we found out we couldn’t have kids you were different. You wanted to do everything, sometimes so much I could hardly keep up, but I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

---