Page 33 of Rock On

The water would be too cold for me, but I longed to run out into the waves and swim. I was a native, born and raised in Southern California, so I’d been a beachgoer my whole life. Not as much since I had River, but I still longed for the ocean. It was the one place that soothed me when I was tired or stressed or unhappy. And I was all three of those things lately.

That was why I was here, right?

To deal with the stress and unhappiness?

I still didn’t know exactly why I’d come, only that I couldn’t continue doing the things I’d been doing or living my life as if nothing mattered. I didn’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for River, and even in my depressed state, I knew that couldn’t be healthy.

I unpacked and slipped my feet into sandals before studying the map and heading in the direction of Dr. Hirschel’s office.

“Hello.” A pleasant-looking woman looked up when I knocked. “Welcome. You must be Harley.”

“Everyone here can read minds,” I said, shaking her hand.

“Not really. We just have profiles on all new guests and since you were the only one checking in today, it had to be you.”

“That’s fair.” I sank down in a comfortable chair.

“So. What can I do for you?” she asked politely.

“I wish I knew.” I blew out a ragged breath and stared up at the ceiling. “Between the end of my marriage and the death of my best friend-slash-baby-daddy, I’ve been lost. That’s the only thing I can tell you.”

“Depression, grief, anger… sound about right?”

“Depression and anger are part of the five stages of grief, right?” I asked. “I’ve done some research on that but knowing what they are and how to deal with them doesn’t seem to help me put any of it into practice.”

“That’s true. So, what stage do you think you’re in?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve reached the depression stage, although I go back to anger regularly.”

“Well, anger is a masking emotion. We use anger to hide the emotions and pain that go with that kind of loss. So in your depression, you consciously or unconsciously try to snap out of it by getting angry because anger is an active stage. You feel like you’re doing something. That asshole, how dare he?! You know? While depression is very passive. You can’t do anything about it, not until you’ve dealt with everything, so you wallow.”

“It’s very counterproductive.”

She nodded. “It is. And on top of a divorce, you’re also probably feeling very alone.”

“I am. What’s worse, I’ve alienated a lot of my friends, and I don’t know why. Part of it is because they were my ex’s friends too, and I didn’t want to have to explain why I got pregnant with another man’s baby right before I divorced him.”

She didn’t appear shocked or disgusted, merely nodding her head. “That makes perfect sense. You don’t need me to unlock that.”

“But I miss them.”

“Are you ashamed of your child or the relationship you had with their father?”

“River’s a little boy,” I said, smiling. “He’s three. And no, I’m not ashamed of him, but the rest…” I hesitated. “It’s a really long story.”

“We only have ten minutes left today, but if you want to set up a full session for tomorrow, we can do that.”

“I guess I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have choices. You’re not a prisoner here. From the intake forms you filled out, you don’t believe you have any substance abuse issues, you’re not a danger to yourself or anyone else, and you haven’t committed any crimes. Based on that, and the fact that I haven’t seen any evidence of those things either, you’re free to come and go as you please. You don’t have to do anything while you’re here unless you want to. That’s partly what makes Harmony Place special.”

“I do want to,” I whispered. “Why else am I here and away from my baby? I have to want to, even when I don’t want to, because I can’t go on the way I’ve been.”

“Other than being depressed, what’s your biggest concern?”

“I guess I have two. One is being the best mom I can be to River. Because I’m always tired and depressed, and I don’t want him to think of me that way once he’s old enough to really notice. The other concern is that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I haven’t moved on from my divorce, and I’ve been having sex with guys who are the opposite of what I need in my life. River’s only three, so right now I can hide what I’m doing, but I won’t be able to for much longer and I don’t want him to see a parade of guys I’m screwing walking in and out of my life.”

“I understand.”

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