Page 28 of Rock On

I woke up to find a warm body snuggled into bed beside me and I smiled even before I opened my eyes. River sometimes came and snuck into bed with me if he woke up when it was still dark out. That was our rule and he was good about it. Generally speaking, he was a great sleeper, so it didn’t happen often, but I loved it when it did.

His little body was like a furnace, and he was pressed against my side, his head practically in my armpit since I was asleep on my stomach. I moved slowly, so as not to wake him, and took a moment to take in his innocent little face. He’d been seven weeks premature, coming out just over four pounds, and he’d still looked squished and lopsided at first. But he’d grown out of that quickly, and he was a beautiful child now.

He had light blond hair, much like mine had been when I was little, and Carter’s caramel-colored eyes. He had round, chubby cheeks and the brightest smile, it was hard not to be happy when he was around. He’d made Carter and I laugh every single day, even though Carter hadn’t been here in person as much as I would have liked. He called and texted, though. We’d video chat whenever we could, and he visited every day when he wasn’t on tour.

In retrospect, it hadn’t been enough, but I hadn’t known how to ask for more when he already gave me almost everything. Time, money, attention, and love. The trouble, of course, was that he’d loved me as a woman, and I’d loved him like a brother. He’d understood, because he had his own mixed feelings for Tommy, and so we’d agreed to be friends and co-parent River to the best of our ability.

Obviously, it hadn’t been enough.

We hadn’t been a couple, but it had felt like it sometimes. We’d been busy raising our child, and when he wasn’t on tour he was always at the house, playing with River, helping out in whatever way I needed, and basically being my platonic life partner. With him around, it had been easy to pretend I was okay, that leaving Tommy hadn’t shattered my soul.

Now that he was gone, I had no lifeline and nothing to look forward to. Wynter was right that I honestly hadn’t moved on. Not from the divorce and definitely not from losing Carter.

As a mom, that made me ashamed, because River deserved better. He was safe and loved, but perhaps somewhat neglected of late, and that had to change. I was trying, but ultimately, I was failing.

At life.

At motherhood.

At everything.

And I didn’t like it.

I needed more help than simply finding a new therapist.

Like that wellness place Wynter had mentioned.

I got online and looked it up and it seemed amazing. It was like a luxurious spa with the added benefit of therapy. Group, individual, and even customized for your specific needs. The accommodations looked incredible, they served gourmet meals, and there was every imaginable option. I could stay for a weekend or six months, and they offered virtual follow-up care as well.

Now that the idea had started to take root, it suddenly sounded like exactly what I needed. There would be nothing to think about but healing, maybe getting things off my chest to a stranger, a new therapist with no preconceived notions. Eating food that someone else cooked and getting pampered in between therapy sessions.

For someone like me, with no addiction or substance abuse issues, I could literally spend my days in individual and group therapy, getting massages and doing yoga, even going into Santa Barbara for lunch and/or shopping. Everything was completely voluntary, so while they could provide structure for those who wanted it, it wasn’t mandatory.

Something that offered me options was good because I didn’t know precisely what was going to help me. If they could afford me an opportunity to figure it out, that would be the best possible scenario.

There was a form you could fill out to get more information, so I did. I wasn’t ready to pull the trigger yet, because I had to make sure River would be cared for first. I could hire a nanny—I already had someone who helped out regularly—but this would mean being away for an extended amount of time. A weekend wouldn’t be enough. I already knew that, but I’d need to talk to someone at the facility itself to get an idea how long they thought I needed to be there.

Depending on what they said, I’d need both Wynter and Presley to lend a hand, in addition to River’s nanny, so that had to be sorted out before I could do anything else.

It was late, but I texted Presley.

HARLEY: I have a question. If I was to go away for an undetermined amount of time, to a wellness center where I could work on getting my head on straight, would you be able to help out with River? I have Wynter and the nanny, but neither of them are available full-time. It could be anywhere from a week to a month. I wouldn’t need you overnight or anything, but during the day sometimes.

PRESLEY: Of course! Whatever you need. If you need me to take him full-time, I can do that too. We have lots of help around here and River is a doll. Jeremy loves having him around. Just tell me what you need, and we can make it happen.

Tears inexplicably clouded my vision.

It was good to have friends.

I’d let so many of my friendships fall to the wayside after the divorce because I hadn’t wanted to explain, but it was different with Presley because she hadn’t known me before. Hadn’t known me as Tommy’s wife. So she didn’t ask the complicated questions.

Why I’d filed for divorce seemingly out of nowhere.

Why I was pregnant by someone that wasn’t Tommy.

Why I was suddenly all alone.

At the time, I’d been overwhelmed with fear and grief and a million other emotions. My first and only thought had been to protect Tommy from the humiliation of finding out that his best friend had been able to impregnate me when he couldn’t. If I’d been willing to have an abortion, everything might have been different, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it.

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