Page 40 of Foster

In fact, she’s been talking to me as if that moment never occurred, fully comfortable in my presence. She doesn’t look at me strangely or hopefully or even with anger. It’s like she erased it and it never happened—and to be honest, I don’t particularly like that either.

I, on the other hand, have been stewing about it. All I can think about is—putting aside the question of how Bowie Jane would handle it—why I shouldn’t have taken that kiss. There is no doubt that Mazzy was right there with me. When we were in a quiet bubble in the bathroom with no outside influences or responsibilities, she was just as into it as I was. I saw it in her eyes.

The fact that I’m still thinking about it three days later and right before I’m about to play the first home game of the regular season tells me it’s a bigger burden than I’d anticipated. If I’m still thinking about it, it means I probably don’t accept Mazzy’s logic that this could be a bad thing. Granted, it could be sticky and messy and it might not work out.

But what if it did?

And for that matter, what the hell do I even want? Do I just want sex? I don’t think that’s it because I’ve already developed feelings for her. How could I not when she’s been so wonderful to my daughter? But maybe this will be casual, without commitment. Or maybe it would be with commitment but casual.

I really have no clue what I want because only two years after a divorce, I’ve barely processed the things that I knew I didn’t want. I think I need to commit to an ideal of what I do want before I go any further.

The real problem is not the potential of what could be between me and Mazzy but how it would affect my daughter. That right there is the great unknown.

“What’s up?”

I’m jolted from my thoughts as Boone sits on the bench beside me, similarly dressed in his base layer all the way up to his hockey pants. Skates in hand, he slips one foot in the left and starts lacing it up. “Looks like you were deep in thought. Sorry if I ruined some mojo you had going.”

“It’s all good. Just trying to get my head in the game.”

And failing.

Boone nods, head bent over his skate. He’s focused on his task and I wonder how he does it. He’s a man who, at the end of last season, managed to keep lasered in on his game all while befriending a young boy dying of cancer and subsequently falling for that boy’s sister, Lilly. That was a lot of shit on his plate and he handled all of it with such ease. More importantly, he figured out how to forge a relationship when a kid was in the mix.

A light bulb goes off in my head as I realize that Boone has had to navigate similarly murky waters that I face.

“Hey, man. Can I ask you something personal?”

Boone sits up straight and angles toward me on the bench. “Sure.”

“How did you know that it was okay to date Lilly when she had her younger brother to take care of? Weren’t you concerned that Aiden might not like that or be bothered by it?”

Boone stares at me intently, probably trying to figure out where this off-the-wall question came from. He ponders a moment before he replies, “To be brutally honest, Aiden didn’t even cross my mind when I was thinking about my attraction to Lilly. I think I sort of compartmentalized what I felt for her and what I felt for him.”

“But at some point, you decided to go for it?”

“Yeah. I mean, I knew that Aiden had to be okay with everything. He was the linchpin.”

“So you just talked to him? Said I want to date your sister and asked his permission?”

“Something like that. Luckily, he was all for it. He wanted Lilly to be happy.”

Could it be something as simple as asking Bowie Jane if she would be okay if I… what?

Kissed Mazzy?

Fucked Mazzy? Yeah, can’t talk to my kid about that.

Asked her out on a date?

That seems feasible.

The worst that could happen is my kid tells me it’s not a good idea or that she doesn’t want me to date Mazzy. And then I have to accept that.

But should I talk to Mazzy about this first? Should I ask her out on the date but let her know that I want to talk to Bowie Jane, or should I hit my kid up for permission first?

There’s no clear answer. But Boone has normalized dating someone when a child, who could be affected by the experience, is involved.

“You okay?” Boone asks.

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