Page 40 of F*cking Shattered

He looks at me with his mouth agape. “What? I didn’t plan for that to happen.”

“Mm-hmm. I think you owe me something.”

He hands over my plate that I sit in my lap. I don’t move to eat it until he opens his mouth to talk.

“What was the question? How do I know so much about camping?”

I nod slowly while bringing a piece of bacon to my mouth.

He takes a deep breath. “I know a lot about camping because I used to be homeless. After my mom passed away and before I managed to get a job in advertising, I lived just like this.” He motions towards our camp.

I swallow before dropping my bacon on my plate. “How’d you manage to get a job like that if you were homeless?”

“Pure fucking luck,” he answers around a mouthful of bacon. He finishes chewing and swallows. “I bumped into this guy one night, and he was fucked up. He said he had only had a few drinks, but someone must have slipped him something. That or he was lying. Either way, I didn’t care. I drove his car to his house and helped him get inside. I was going to leave, but he got sick and I was worried he was going to choke to death on his own vomit.” He shrugs. “So I stayed and cleaned him up, made sure he didn’t die. The next morning, he was so thankful, he offered me a job and a place to stay until I saved up enough money.”

“Wow. That’s crazy.” I resume eating.

He nods. “Yeah, he was a great guy. We got to be really good friends over the six months I lived there.”

“What happened to him? Is he still a big-wig in New York?”

Slowly, he shakes his head. “No, he O.D’d. He was living alone because he was going through a divorce. His wife packed up their two kids and moved out of the state without even telling him. He just came home one day, and they were gone. Left a fucking note.” His jaw clenches in anger. “Anyway, he was severely depressed and drank and did a lot of drugs to cope. He lived for work, and once we became friends, he got better. We hung out a lot and kept each other’s mind off shit, but I never should have moved out. Leaving him alone with his demons like that…” He pulls his eyes away from mine, looking into the fire. “It just ate him alive. I wasn’t there to stop it that time.”

What’s left of my heart explodes into so many tiny pieces, there’s nothing but dust left.

“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” I feel tears sting my eyes, but I hold them back. I wish I could have made his life better for him. He’s helped me so much since Katie’s passing. I wonder if he saw something in me that day, something that reminded him of his friend. I want to ask, but I don’t know if I can stand to talk about it anymore. I know it will only hurt him.

“It’s okay. I did all I could. I didn’t know he would start using. I mean, we drank and had a good time on occasion, but he’d never do drugs, that I saw.” His eyes find mine again. “I couldn’t have lived there forever.”

I nod, completely understanding.

“Not a day goes by that I don’t thank him though. He saved me from the streets, he brought me into his house, just a random homeless guy. For all he knew, I could have stolen all his shit. But he trusted me. He gave me a job. I wouldn’t be who I am today without him.”

“He was your Katie,” I say, looking at him from under my lashes.

“He was my Katie,” he repeats with a wink in my direction.

* * *

Once we pile everything back into the car, I dig my list out and cross off ‘go skinny dipping’. My face flushes again just from thinking about the embarrassing mishap.

It’s still early, so the heat of the day hasn’t set in yet. I roll my window down and crank the music. Howlin’ for You by The Black Keys plays loudly over the speakers. I look at River and see him mouthing the words along with the song. I smile, getting to see him so happy and carefree makes my heart flutter.

I lean the seat back just a bit and close my eyes while the warm morning air blows through the car and through my mess of long, dark hair.

River reaches over and takes my hand in his. He lifts it up and presses a kiss on the top before letting it fall beside me. I smile at him without opening my eyes, knowing that he saw it. This trip is doing things to me I never expected. The more I learn about him, the more I fall in love with him.

My eyes pop open as that thought crosses my mind.

“What’s the matter?” he asks over the music.

“Nothing.” I act like nothing is wrong, but something is wrong. I’m falling in love with this guy. How could that have happened? The last thing I knew, he annoyed me and was driving me up the fucking wall.

I know I let my guard down just to see what happened between us, but I never in a million fucking years expected this.

This can’t be happening. I mean, in a perfect world we would take this trip together, fall madly in love and never look back. But in this world, the one where the people you love and care about the most are stolen from you, it doesn’t work like that. I can see it play out now: I fall in love, he takes whatever he wants from me, when we get back home, he acts like nothing happened, and then he’s gone. Leaving me alone with a completely mangled heart.

I have to get a grip on whatever this is I’m feeling. It can’t be love, it can’t be. Maybe I’m just clinging to him because of the massive hole inside of me from losing Katie. Maybe, it’s just friendship mixed with the attraction I feel for him. Whatever it is, needs to be figured out soon and stopped. At least until we have some clarity and can talk about what this means to the both of us.

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