Page 41 of Shattered

Once we pile everything back into the car, I dig my list out and cross off ‘go skinny dipping’. My face flushes again just from thinking about the embarrassing mishap.

It’s still early, so the heat of the day hasn’t set in yet. I roll my window down and crank the music. Howlin’ for You by The Black Keys plays loudly over the speakers. I look at River and see him mouthing the words along with the song. I smile, getting to see him so happy and carefree makes my heart flutter.

I lean the seat back just a bit and close my eyes while the warm morning air blows through the car and through my mess of long, dark hair.

River reaches over and takes my hand in his. He lifts it up and presses a kiss on the top before letting it fall beside me. I smile at him without opening my eyes, knowing that he saw it. This trip is doing things to me I never expected. The more I learn about him, the more I fall in love with him.

My eyes pop open as that thought crosses my mind.

“What’s the matter?” he asks over the music.

“Nothing.” I act like nothing is wrong, but something is wrong. I’m falling in love with this guy. How could that have happened? The last thing I knew, he annoyed me and was driving me up the fucking wall.

I know I let my guard down just to see what happened between us, but I never in a million fucking years expected this.

This can’t be happening. I mean, in a perfect world we would take this trip together, fall madly in love and never look back. But in this world, the one where the people you love and care about the most are stolen from you, it doesn’t work like that. I can see it play out now: I fall in love, he takes whatever he wants from me, when we get back home, he acts like nothing happened, and then he’s gone. Leaving me alone with a completely mangled heart.

I have to get a grip on whatever this is I’m feeling. It can’t be love, it can’t be. Maybe I’m just clinging to him because of the massive hole inside of me from losing Katie. Maybe, it’s just friendship mixed with the attraction I feel for him. Whatever it is, needs to be figured out soon and stopped. At least until we have some clarity and can talk about what this means to the both of us.

I take a deep breath to calm myself and look at him. He’s driving, completely lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t see the little mental freak out I just had.

I adjust my seat back into the sitting position and pick up the notebook to write to Katie.

Katie,

God, I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to about this. I think I’m falling in love. Either that, or I have a brain aneurysm. You’ve been in love, you can tell me how it feels. But you’re not here, and I don’t know how to figure it out without you. When he looks at me, my heart pounds wildly, my palms get all sweaty, and it feels like a rock is stuck in my throat. I can’t swallow it down. When he touches me, I see stars. For fuckin’ real! I know all this sounds stupid, but I can’t control these feelings. They’re too strong. And you know what? They feel so good, I don’t know if I want to control them. But what if he breaks my heart? My heart is already broken from losing you. I can’t lose him too. Anyway, enough with my whining. Please tell me you’re up there enjoying an endless open bar and having mind-blowing sex. I couldn’t stand it if I thought you were unhappy. You deserve the best, all heaven and Earth have to offer.

I love you,

Jovi

I close the book and tuck it away in my purse. I’m still thinking about what these feeling are when River’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

“So what’s the plan when we get to Miami?”

I almost jump from the silence being suddenly broken. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s going to get pretty expensive staying in a hotel every night. Were you planning on renting an apartment or something?”

“Oh. I have no idea. I was just focusing on getting there.”

Instead of being annoyed that I dropped the ball, he lets out a deep laugh.

“I’ll start looking for something.” I pull out my phone and look at places to rent for the summer.

* * *

By night fall, we still haven’t made it out of Texas. We find a motel for the night and as soon as we walk in the door, I call the shower.

I drop my bag on the bed as I pass by and go directly to the bathroom. I feel nasty after camping last night without a shower, plus my plunge into the lake didn’t help matters any.

I’m also looking forward to a little alone time. I need to sort through my feelings. Everything feels so right, but also completely fucked. I feel like I’ve been setting myself up for heartache this whole time.

I turn the shower on as hot as it will go and step beneath the stream. I let the water flow over my hair and body before turning around and resting my head against the shower wall.

“What’s the matter?” River says from behind me.

I jump and spin around. “Fuck. Why do you keep doing this to me?” I’m feeling too much emotion. I’m needing space, time to sort through everything going on inside my head.

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