Page 33 of Shattered

I slap his chest with a laugh. Grateful for him bringing me out of my sadness.

We drive for hours. My butt has long ago gone numb. I stare out the window and watch as we pass by nothing but trees. I sleep off and on and River just drives contently. He never complains about being stuck in the car, the traffic, or my lack of conversation. When I want to talk, he joins in, but when I start thinking about this trip and why I’m taking it, he’s completely happy just sitting at my side, holding my hand.

I still don’t know much about him, but we don’t have that awkwardness of needing to fill the silence with meaningless chit-chat. He doesn’t feel like a stranger to me. We connect on some level I don’t quite understand. I haven’t had this instant connection with anyone other than Katie. Is it crazy to think Katie sent him to me? If I think about it, I only met him because of her. I never would have kissed him without her list. I never would have even talked to him if it wasn’t for her. Is this what she was hoping would happen when making that list?

Thinking about her gives me this feeling of happiness, but also sadness. I miss her so much. I want to pick up the phone to tell her about River. I want to tell her how I’m checking items off her list. I want to tell her how much I love and miss her.

Without thinking, I grab the notebook and a pen and start to write her a letter. I know she won’t ever read it, but I think just getting the words out will help. Isn’t writing supposed to be therapeutic?

Katie,

God, how I miss you! There are days that I forget you’re gone, and I pick up the phone to call you. That’s when it hurts the most. I’m not so sure about that actually. It hurts all the time. I know this is a stupid idea, but maybe you really can see me right now. I hope so. I want you to see me doing all the things on your list. And I’m really hoping you’re enjoying torturing me. I met a guy. His name is River. He’s tall and blond. He has this six pack that makes me weak in the knees. (Yes, I used that term) I don’t know much about him yet, but there is something about him that feels familiar. Something is happening between us, and I’m powerless to stop it, even when I try. He’s fun, annoying, and drop dead sexy. But the best part, he doesn’t ask me if I’m okay. He knows I’m not. Back home, that’s all everyone would ask me. I got so tired of lying. Being out on the road with him, I don’t have to lie. He understands why I’m hurting, and he doesn’t try to make it better. He just accepts that I’m broken and doesn’t try to put together my pieces, although he does help me forget that I’m missing so many.

Anyway, I should probably go. I’m sure you’re up in heaven right now, lounging on a cloud and being fed marshmallows by an angel with a six pack and biceps the size of my head.

I love you,

Jovi

I close the notebook and clutch it to my chest. I feel my eyes tear up from thinking that this is the only way I can talk to her now. I’ll never see her face or hear her voice again. For the first week, I repeatedly called her cell just so I could hear the recording. Each and every time, it just made it worse for me. Katie was the glue that held me together, and now that she’s gone, I’m falling to pieces.

I squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears from falling. I try to calm my breathing and relax. My heart rate slows as I drift off into a deep sleep.

Katie and I are watching MTV in her living room when her dad walks through the front door. He usually stops to say hi to us, but today, he walks straight through to the kitchen. After a couple minutes of quiet, the silence is broken when the sound of something crashing fills my ears.

“How could you not tell me about this?” Mary, Katie’s mom, screams.

“Honey, please calm down. It was a long time ago. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know there was anything to tell,” George explains.

I look over at Katie and she rolls her eyes. “Who knows what they’re fighting about now.”

We’re fifteen, but in this moment, she looks like a little girl who always gets afraid when her parents fight.

I know she needs me right now. I place my hand in hers and squeeze. “I’m sure everything will be okay. Do you want to go outside and take turns on the swing?”

She offers a small smile and nods before we stand and head out the front door.

* * *

“Wake up, sleepyhead. We’re here.”

I jump awake and rub the sleep from my eyes. I look around us to find we’re parked in a hotel parking lot. “Where are we?”

“Somewhere in Arizona.” He removes the keys from the ignition and opens his door to step out.

“God, are we ever going to get out of this state?”

He opens the back door and grabs our bags. “Maybe if we don’t stop every hour.” His eyes narrow on me as wrinkles form at the edges.

“I’m sorry. I have to pee!”

We both walk around the car and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. “Let’s check in and then we’ll find some place to eat.”

We find a bar and grill and take a seat as we wait on a waitress. The place is crowded and appears to be more of a bar than a grill. There are pool tables, dart boards, and a jukebox, along with a big stage and dance floor. The front of the building was lined with motorcycles and all the bikers are gathered at the bar. They are loud and rowdy, but I try to ignore them as I look over the menu.

The jukebox kicks on, playing Pour Some Sugar on Me, and River leans back, placing his arm across the bench seat. “So how about that strip show?” He winks at me.

I laugh out loud. “No way! We’d be kicked out. Plus, I don’t want those fat, hairy bikers drooling all over me. I’m not so sure you could take them.”

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