Page 142 of Unspoken Rules

“This is a lot,” I mutter, pulling my hand from Cole’s leg and leaning back.

Neither of us does well when we’re vulnerable. These are the times we so easily fall into one another. We lean on the other, and we do it well. But it’s so bad. It’s so fucking bad. I can’t let it happen. We can’t make that mistake again.

“I should have told you, and I’m sorry for that. Of all people, I should have called you right away.”

I nod absently, agreeing with him, but there’s no point in getting mad at him over it. It’ll only make him feel worse, and for what? It won’t change anything. But my comment wasn’t just about the Chris thing.

“It’s not just that, though, Cole. It’s all of it. Seeing you. You being here, at the other end of the country because—why? Because you didn’t have anyone else? Because I’m a last resort? You could have called. Showing up here was a bad idea.”

“I should have come sooner,” he says firmly, turning his crystal blue gaze on me.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“You shouldn’t have come at all.”

I get up, my anger impossible to ignore. I’m pissed and hurt. Not only by not knowing about my friend, but about being ignored by Cole. By me living my life without a care in the world, even though my friend is lying in a hospital bed in a coma with none of his friends there.

Cole frowns, watching me as I move in front of him.

“You’ve ignored me ever since Chris found out about us. And though I can appreciate you wanting someone because you’re hurting, you can’t choose to come to me because you’re upset and have no one else. What about me? What about how upset I’ve been this whole time? Cole, I moved across the country to get away from you because I needed a fresh start. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And you come here like nothing is wrong between us. Just show up like it’s going to be okay, on top of giving me news that my best friend is in a coma. Don’t you think it would have made more sense to call me so I could go there and see him?”

He holds my gaze. I’m panting, trying to catch my breath. He bows his head, shaking it. I don’t want to fight with him, but damnit, why don’t my feelings matter? Why doesn’t he take what I want into consideration? This has always been about him and Chris. or even just Chris. But one thing I learned while being here is that my needs matter. What I want matters. When I put myself first, when I do things for me, I’m happy.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he says softly. “I’m fucked up over—.”

“Well so am I!”

He jerks his head toward me, frowning. “That’s why I came here, Bryson. I thought you’d understand. Outside of Tabitha, you’re the only person who cares about Chris the way I do.”

I scoff. He isn’t getting the point. He isn’t understanding. It’s so unlike Cole to only focus on himself, and it’s strange. Him coming here, showing up like this, not telling me about Chris? It’s the most selfish thing he’s ever done, and it’s hard to process. The whole thing is hard to understand, because Cole did a lot of selfless things for me. He did so much to take care of me. Physically, anyway. But when it comes to my heart, it seems what I want doesn’t matter.

“This is too confusing, Cole. It’s too raw. I’m not okay with what happened between us, so you sitting on my couch in Boston, is making this really difficult. I’m trying to process what you said about Chris, but all I can think about is you right in front of me. It’s not fair. Not to me, and definitely not to Chris when he’s the one I should be worried about.”

He jumps up, getting in my face. I take a step back and he steps with me. “That’s why I came here! I’m the worst fucking father ever, Bryson. Because the entire time I’ve been sitting in Chris’s hospital room, waiting for him to wake up, all I could think about was having you by my side. Needing you there with me to help me get through this. You. Not Tabitha. Not his friends. Not anyone else. Just you. And part of me knew I should call you, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I still have feelings for you. Knew I’d be betraying my son because calling you wouldn’t have just been for him, it would have been for me. While he’s lying in a hospital bed, maybe to never wake up. I couldn’t handle doing that to him again!”

I take another step back, shaking my head. “We can’t do this,” I say softly.

“I know,” he growls, tugging at his hair.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know that too.” He steps to me, placing his hand on my hip. It shouldn’t feel as right as it does. I’ve been hurting so much since my birthday, but things with Cole have always been so easy. They always just fell into place. “But I can’t help it,” he whispers.

“Cole—”

He cups my face with his hands, stopping inches away from me.

“Bryson, I can’t help that I love you. Have loved you for… fuck, I don’t know. Since Astoria maybe. I need you like the air I need to breathe. I’ve been a fucking mess without you, and I’ve been trying to figure it all out and I can’t. I can’t figure it out without you.”

I feel like a passenger in my own body. Like what he just said to me isn’t real and I’m watching it on a TV screen. It’s what I’ve wanted from him since the beginning. But I’m not so stupid to think just because he admitted that means everything will be okay. It won’t be. Because this isn’t about us and figuring out how to make things work between us. They work perfectly. Without issue. Like a well-oiled machine. Two souls that were made for the other. The problem is Chris. And Chris needs us right now. Separately.

It hurts to deny Cole. Hurts to do what I have to do, but this is how it needs to be. For once in my life, I need to stand up for myself.

I grip his wrists and hope flashes in his eyes. But it dies the moment I pull his hands from me and step away. I think it hurts me more than it hurts him.

“You can stay on the couch.” The words come out robotically.

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