Page 130 of Unspoken Rules

He nods, runs a hand down his face, then blows out a harsh breath.

“I’m worried because I didn’t even think about.”

“I’m not following…”

“I didn’t stop. Didn’t think about it. I just wanted to fuck you; so I did. You make me so… insanely crazy. Like an addiction I can’t kick. I think of you all the time. Want to be near you all the time. Want to see you smile. Make you happy. You’re in my head all the damn time, Bryson.”

He gets up and paces, spearing his hands through his hair.

My stomach plummets.

“Why is that a bad thing, Cole?” The words barely come out. And when he doesn’t answer, I’m not sure I said them at all. But then he stops and stares at me. I don’t like the look on his face. He’s terrified. Concerned. Which is scaring the hell out of me.

“I don’t want it to be a bad thing. This is a good thing. It could be a beautiful thing. A forever thing.”

A forever thing…

“But?”

Because I know there’s a but.

There’s always a fucking but.

His shoulders sag, and he gives me the look that tells me I already know the answer.

“Are you breaking up with me on my birthday?” I ask.

His head falls back on his shoulders. “No, baby,” he says, and I feel like I can breathe again. But just barely. “I’m not breaking up with you. I’m just—” He shakes his head and gives me his attention again. “I don’t know.”

“There has to be a way we can make this work, right?” I say desperately. “Everything about us works. It’s all so perfect. It can’t be all for nothing. Right?”

The smallest smile creeps across his lips. He flicks the light off and pulls the blankets down, gesturing for me to get in. Once I go, he crawls in after me and tugs me to his side, running his hand up and down my back.

“If there is, I’m certain we will figure it out.”

“I love who I am when I’m with you, Cole. I don’t want to be without you.”

I whisper my truth to him. The truth that is going to absolutely kill me if he can’t accept it.

“Me too,” he answers. “But I can’t help but be both happy and sad. Because everything about this is so messed up. I feel so shitty.”

“So do I.”

“Yet you make it all go away.”

“So do you.”

It falls silent for a long time. We lie there together, cuddling.

My life has been so different since coming back here. Hell, my life has been different since Cole came into my life at all. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I never met him or Chris. I’d be miserable. Hating my life. And I was still there just a short time ago, but Cole has given me a reason to not hate life. Not only because of him, but because he’s helped me to see that I’m not as terrible a person as my father has made me out to be. That I can do good things, and I’m not a complete failure.

But we knew from the beginning this couldn’t work. Maybe we weren’t trying hard enough? Or maybe it’s inevitable, no matter what we do.

“How did we get here?” I ask. “How did we let this happen?”

“Sometimes things just happen and there’s nothing you can do about it,” he answers softly.

He kisses my forehead, and as we lay there together, my worries slowly fade away. Lying with him, touching him, him touching me… it makes all the bad stuff go away. Cole does what he always does for me, without even trying. He makes my worries go away. He makes me calm.

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