Page 36 of Collected By the Crow

Cassandra took an unsteady breath that lodged in her ribcage and gave Ali a panicked look. She clicked the green button and hesitantly raised the phone to her ear.

“Hey, sis.”

“Mark?”

“Do you have a minute?”

“Um.” Cass glanced at Ali one last time before retreating from the patio, rushing down the sidewalk, and locking herself in her car. “Yeah. What’s up? I mean, how are you? Err, no. What’s up?”

Mark’s laughter was stunted. “I’m doing all right. I’m still in Sweden, working on a renewable energy project. Did you know the prime minister wants to be fossil free by 2045?”

“No, I didn’t. I don’t know anything about Sweden.” Because you’ve never told me anything.

“Right.” A pause. “Actually, that’s kind of why I was calling.”

She’d figured as much, but she couldn’t convince her vocal chords to loosen up enough to be of any use.

“When you came out to Mom and Dad, I was so proud of you. And I was also super, super jealous.”

“Jealous of being queer?”

“Jealous of your bravery.” he sucked in a painful-sounding breath. “That religion stuff, our parents. I didn’t know who I really was underneath all of it. But you. You were always so . . . so you. Not me. I had to move across the ocean to finally find myself.”

“Mark.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“I should’ve called sooner. I guess I assumed you were all right because you’ve always been so strong.” Her brother’s voice sounded more foreign than ever. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I know I’m, like, fifteen years too late.”

“Or even four years. They obviously have phones in Sweden!”

“You’re right.”

“I was alone,” she croaked.

“I knew you could handle yourself.” His voice had an identical quiver.

“I waited to hear from you for so long.” She swiped the angry tears rolling off her cheeks. “But I guess I never reached out, either. I just assumed you hated me.”

“I could never hate you, Cassie. I love you so much.”

“Why now?”

“I found an amazing therapist. She helped me through all that bullshit from our parents.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m hoping for your forgiveness, Cassie. And maybe, at the least, to be an acquaintance you’re on speaking terms with, if not your older brother.” He said the last like it was a joke. Cass knew it wasn’t.

She didn’t laugh along. She let the blackness behind her eyelids build until it pulsed.

She pictured Mark as a sixth grader. He was two years older than her and went to the same school. Whenever they would pass each other in the hallways, Mark would smile at her from over his book. In many ways, they were similar, but Mark had never been good at blending in. He was always at the end of the line, always reading books above his grade level, always raising his hand in class. Maybe Cass had subconsciously digested the results of her big brother’s difference, because she hid her extra textbooks and never raised her hand, not even in science class and especially not in math. She played volleyball and made the right friends.

The mental image of little Mark, cross-legged under a tree at recess, made her chest ache. Their parents had been so trusting of him. She’d assumed the three of them were best friends because that was how their mom portrayed it. Cassie blended in at school, but she could never appease her parents. While Mark went with them to every single extra activity put on by the church, Cass would come up with excuses. Volleyball practice. Track meet.

Which meant Mark had gone with them, alone, and listened to those insane sermons, possibly internalizing every syllable.

She was unsure if it was her emotions or the blinding reflection off the building that brought more hot tears to her cheeks. “I’ve already forgiven you, Mark. I’m sorry, too.”

An audible sigh, then a heavy silence, only broken by sniffles.

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