Page 46 of The Night Nanny

“I think that you’ve created your own personal hell.” She impressively sounds like a psychoanalyst. “You perceive your mother as a demon, but what you’re really fighting are demons inside yourself. Trying to exorcise them.”

Have I? Am I? A cold shiver runs through me.

“Thank you for letting me confide in you.” Craving some coffee, I take a deep fortifying breath and glance down at my contented, feeding baby. “Can I hold her and give her the rest of her bottle?”

Nurse Marley’s gaze stays low and locked on Isa. “I think it’s best for everyone that I continue to feed her.” For a brief second, her eyes meet mine. Smiling, she returns her gaze to Isa.

My baby depletes her bottle as I wonder…

Why won’t Nurse Marley let me feed my own baby?

TWENTY-FOUR

AVA

The rest of the morning is uneventful. I see Ned briefly before he takes off for work. He’s tired and grumpy, and we exchange very few words. Platitudes like “Have a good day.” “You too.” “Love you.” “The same.” With a quick peck on my cheek as if it was an afterthought, he’s out the door.

Nurse Marley spends the morning with Isa. And now she’s got this new contraption buckled around her—a quilted lavender harness that matches the color of her eyes—with my baby tucked inside it, her back to me. Isa’s tiny legs dangle from the apertures and her head rests against a foam rubber support.

Every step Marley takes, my baby is pressed against her like they’re one.

It makes me nervous. “Can’t she fall out of that thing?” I ask.

Marley tightens the straps and laughs. “Absolutely not! This is the best baby carrier on the market. It’s got hundreds of five-star ratings. Moms love it! It’s super comfortable and lets them move around with their baby, hands-free. And babies love it, too, because they feel so secure snuggled next to their mothers. It’s great for mother-baby bonding.”

She gives Isa a little jiggle as a snippet of jealousy niggles at me.

Maybe I should get one (or already have one somewhere inside the garage), I think, as Marley prances around the kitchen tidying up with my baby attached to her like an appendage. Shouldn’t Isa be bonding with me…her real mother?

“Marley, can you send me the link to the carrier? I’d love to get one.”

“Of course, Ava. But you’re in no condition to wear it or carry around your baby like this just yet. It’ll aggravate your PGP and you should wait until your incision heals.”

My shoulders sag. “Right.”

It takes no time for Nurse Marley to tidy up, and upon loading the final plate into the dishwasher, she announces she’s going to take Isa for a walk in her new carrier.

My heart sinks. “Be careful. And have fun.”

I wish it were me going with my baby for a stroll.

I pass the rest of the morning alone, figuring out my meaningless day. After a long walk, Marley reappears with my rosy-cheeked daughter. She looks full of color too.

“How was it?” I ask.

“Wonderful! We went halfway up Runyon Canyon.”

“The one with all the dogs?”

Marley nods. “Yes. So many people stopped me and told me what a beautiful baby I have.”

I bristle at her words. As if Isa is her baby?

“Where’s your mother?” she asks, stopping me from saying something I might regret. I’m probably just overreacting. My hormones are likely still out of whack.

“I think she’s still asleep.” It’s not unusual for my mother to sleep until noon. Honestly, the longer the better. The less I have to deal with her.

“Then, I’ll be quiet. I’m going to put Isa down in her crib for a nap while I do some light housework. I really want to do some laundry. Your hampers are overflowing, and I’m running out of clean onesies.”

---