Page 101 of Solanum

"Me? You're the one who asked about asking me something then got all weird." She waved her hands at me. "Come the fuck on."

"It's a delicate question! And I'm not a delicate person."

"Do I seem at all delicate to you? Fuckin' A, Caroline." Sali laughed at me then leaned her back against the wall, swinging her legs like a bratty teen sitting on a stoop. "Tell me!"

"Shut the fuck up." I tried to stifle my amusement but failed. "It's about what happened to you and Nora."

"Ah. I see the delicateness, but I can handle it. What's the deal?"

"The two of us both suffered a lot in our own lives," I began, eyeing her to gauge her reaction. I told her about what happened to me after Nora's immediate recovery when the two of us commiserated on the back stoop of her porch. I didn't tell many people that story, but Sali deserved to know. "And then the people we care about most end up getting hurt."

"Facts. All facts."

"And I'm grateful that they're okay."

"Same."

"But fuck, the lasting effects suck," was pretty much all I could come up with.

"Sure do. I know what's going on with Maggie and Harper. What's going on with Nora?"

"We never really talked about being together after we got her back. We hadn't slept together in over a year, and hardly spoke in that time after we parted ways. We weren't in a relationship by mutual choice. Now, after all this, we both just…began a relationship as if we were already in the middle of one. Picked up where we left off like no time passed," I said, not quite knowing where I was headed, but I followed it. "It's not a bad thing. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone—Wait, let me correct that. I've never loved anyone. Ever. But I love Nora."

"Duh." Sali smirked. "You almost fought me in the kitchen just to get to her."

"I did. Yeah." I mirrored her expression. "Do you think it's fucked up that we've done that? Just…I scooped her up from your sofa that day she first arrived here, and that was it."

"No, Car." Sali shook her head. "It's not fucked up. The way I see it, it's how it was supposed to be. You and Nora fought so hard to stay away from each other, when the most natural thing was to be together. Now, circumstances changed and it's still the most natural thing in the world."

I nodded, leaning back while stretching out my legs. "Feels that way. Natural. No time passing."

"Is she having trouble fucking, though? I overheard her talking to Maggie about her feeling strange."

"For sure." I nodded. "Before all of this, I literally fucked her any time she asked for it. Not just a licky and a quickie, but like fucked her. You know? Hours long. Days even. After everything, neither one of us got to that point until last night. It makes sense physically because all we've done is eat, sleep, watch television, nap, talk, and cuddle while she healed. While we both healed. But last night, Sal, she was so fucking scared."

"Of what?" Sali's brow furrowed with concern.

"That sex was going to hurt her. That she wouldn't be able to come. That she was damaged from what he did to her," I said, fading off in the end when I thought about it.

"Let me tell you something that Anita told me once."

"Okay…"

"Rape isn't only a violent physical act. The act of being threatened with it, of experiencing something similar to it, takes the same toll on emotions. You and I both know what it's like to be sexually assaulted. What we don't know is what it's like to be threatened with it and not be. We walk around every day as women with that being one of our greatest fears. When it happened to us and our worst fears were confirmed, despite the horribleness of it, we came to, albeit gentle, terms with it. Working through it, validating it. This thing happened to me and this is why I feel this way about myself and my body."

"Yeah, for sure." I nodded while listening to her. Every word she said struck chords of truth. I felt that way for sure and used my experience to help others.

"For Nora, she's walking around thinking this thing did not happen to me, so why do I feel this way? The emotions, the fear. They're still the same. Like the first time I had sex with Maggie, I hadn't had sex with a woman since before shit happened to me. And the guy I fucked after, was a drug dealer and I definitely wasn't having any orgasms. My first time with Maggie, I felt broken, too," she said, her shoulders lifting in a mild shrug. "I just felt defective."

"That's the same way Nora described it. She was afraid that he broke her ability to enjoy it," I said, my stomach lurching with recognition of her statement. "It wasn't like that for me. Yes, I waited a while, but I knew I wasn't broken. I knew I was okay because I healed differently emotionally, maybe."

"You did, and you had a supported recovery with a strong goal that drove your fire. I didn't. I was alone. But Nora's not alone. She has you and us and Anita. Her recovery is supported, it's just gonna take her time. I think it took Maggie over an hour to get me off the first time we hooked up. Maybe longer. And for a while, she could only get me there in a certain position. But it got better—"

"Now she gets you off literally everywhere. Thank fucking god the two of you aren't filled with jizz because this house would be covered in it."

Sali laughed and kicked my boot. "Truth. Shut up and deal with it."

"Done."

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