Page 67 of The Summer of ’98

This time when I tried to smile, it was full and genuine. His selflessness never failed to amaze me. He wanted nothing but to ensure that I was okay, and it made it harder knowing that I was leaving him behind to do something that he didn’t want for us.

“Trust me,” I said, putting the last dress into my suitcase. “You’re helping me by not coming. Momma isn’t going to handle this well. She’ll be awful and I don’t want her taking it out on you.”

He stepped forward and drew me in at the waist, his gaze full of determination as he stared down at me. “I don’t care. I can handle it.”

“I know you can. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle her being nasty toward you. She can be . . . brutal when things upset her. I know what she’s like and I just couldn’t stomach it. It’ll be easier for me not to have to witness that.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek and nodded. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

“You’re going to wait for me, right? Until I get to Waco?”

His expression was concerned, and I felt my chest tighten at how vulnerable he looked. It broke my heart that he believed anything less. “Of course. Leroy, I love you. Of course I’ll be waiting for you.”

And I meant what I said. I would wait for him because I loved him, more than anything. But things felt . . . different. Something had shifted and I knew he felt it too. He didn’t like the decision that I was making, and it scared me. It scared me because I worried that in the future, he would resent me for it. And if he made me keep the baby, then I would resent him for that. It seemed like we were trapped in a lose-lose situation and it broke my heart.

I went to bed after we’d finished packing up the bags. Leroy wanted to stay with me, but I didn’t think that would be a good idea after everything. I couldn’t sleep, though—I was in overdrive. Different thoughts and scenarios plagued me all night, keeping me tossing and turning repeatedly as I stressed out about what I was going to do. First, I had to tell Momma and then I had to book an appointment. How would this change things between Leroy and me? Would he support me in the future? Would he come to hate me for it?

Would I hate me for it?

My hand involuntarily came to rest on my stomach, and I felt my chest tighten in response. It was like I had zero control over the thoughts that were shouting at me.

This baby was a piece of us both.

I had never experienced such an overwhelming concoction of emotions. It was too much to handle and it made me wish that I had some sort of vision into the future so I could see the outcome of each scenario. It would help to know what was in store for me.

It would help me feel secure in my choice.

The next morning, Leroy and I were up and heading out by seven in the morning. There was a solemnness in the air, desperation to change the situation and total devastation because it was impossible to salvage our summer. Eleanor was in the kitchen when I went to use the phone. She was dressed for work and stood in front of the sink, rinsing her coffee cup. I hadn’t seen her since Leroy and I had told her about the pregnancy. The hardest part was the awkward tension between us that hadn’t existed before. We’d become close in such a short time and all I wanted was to have that back.

“Good morning,” she said. It was kind enough, but I could feel the shift in her tone. “You’re all sorted then?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good,” she came around the kitchen countertop and stood in front of me. “You have a safe flight, all right? Call Leroy to let him know when you’re home.”

“Mmhmm,” I nodded, fighting tears. “Thank you for having me, and I’m . . . I’m sorry again. About what happened.”

Her shoulders fell, an overall softness seeping into her demeanor. “It’s forgiven, Ellie. We’re going to miss you. Come back soon, okay?”

If I answered her, I’d end up letting the floodgates open and I didn’t want to cry again. There had been enough of that last night. She stretched out her arms and wrapped me in a gentle hug, holding me together while fragments of my shattered heart threatened to fall on the floor. When she let me go, she didn’t hang around, but left the room before I was able to apologize for the thousandth time. As much as I wanted to say goodbye to Jacob, I knew he would be asleep for a while longer, so I went over to the telephone and dialed Amber’s number.

“Hello?” She sounded half asleep, which didn’t surprise me. It was only an hour ahead in Texas.

“Hey, it’s me,” I said.

“Els? What’s the matter?”

“I’m coming home a little earlier than planned and I was wondering if you could pick me up from the airport?”

“Is everything okay? Why are you coming home early?”

I clutched the phone in my hand and felt my chin trembling. “I can’t talk about it right now. Can you pick me up this morning?”

“Of course,” she sounded more awake than she had before. “What time does the flight get in?”

“Twelve,” I said.

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