Page 64 of The Summer of ’98

“I need to go home, Leroy.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

I shook my head as I pulled on the front of my shirt. My clothes were clinging to me, wet and heavy. “No, Leroy. You won’t even be allowed in the house after I tell Momma about this. I need to take care of this on my own.”

He stepped forward again and rested his forehead on mine. “Don’t do this. Please don’t.”

“Leroy,” I warned with a trembling voice. I hated this. I hated it more than he knew.

He didn’t argue again. But I could see how torn he felt, and it broke me. It tore me to pieces to know that he wanted something I couldn’t give him. I was so afraid this would change things between us, that he would resent me for what I had to do. And I think that deep down, he knew this would change things between us as well because his hand wrapped around my waist, his other around my neck, and he pulled me in, kissing me as though his life depended on it.

It was desperate. His kiss was clutching on for dear life and I could feel the pain. I could feel the arguments he still wanted to make. I could feel the pleading and heartbreak. His tongue moved against mine, fast and unforgiving, and after a moment, he pulled me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. The rain poured down on us as he walked us out of the gate and over to the car. He fumbled with the door for a moment, and then he pulled it open and pushed me into the backseat.

He was silent as he pulled the door shut behind him. He hovered over top of me and brought our lips back together as he pushed my soaked skirt up and fumbled with my panties to get them down. The leather underneath me became slippery from our rain-drenched clothes but nothing distracted us as we freed our bottom halves.

The way that he made love to me was as desperate as the kiss had been. Like he knew that we were limited for time. Like he knew that once we left this school and faced having to tell our parents, everything would be different. And it would be. So we gave ourselves this. We had rough, desperate, wordless sex in the backseat of his car and we let it say goodbye for us.

Leroy

Ellie is the love of my life. I know that because I’m better when I’m with her. And not just in the sense of who I am as a person, but how I feel and look at the world. She reminds me that no matter how impossible a situation feels, there’s a way to get through it. She encourages kindness and optimism. She sees the best in people, and she refuses to let the behavior of other people alter how she responds. Ellie is the woman I want beside me when I go through whatever hard times I might face, and she’s the woman I want to celebrate our achievements with. Trusting her is like second nature because goodness radiates from her very core.

Which is why I so badly wanted to convince her that despite how helpless this situation seemed, we could move through it together. She was pregnant, and even though the timing wasn’t right, there was no one else with whom I could imagine having a child. There was no one else I would ever want to have a family with, and I didn’t care how crazy that sounded because we were eighteen and what could we know about forever? But damn it, how could I not know it was forever when I looked at her and I saw her beside me when I graduated. I saw her on the sidelines, waiting for me after I played for the NFL for the first time. I saw her accepting an award for the best new skincare brand. I saw her cutting a tall white cake in a beautiful dress. I saw her sitting in the seats of a school function, exuding pride as she watched her children perform. I saw us sitting in our matching armchairs, old and happy in the life that we had created together. She was beside me through it all and I could see it crystal clear. To me, that was forever.

Maybe this wasn’t exactly how I imagined our journey to parent-hood together going, but it was just one of those situations we would get through together. Even if we didn’t agree, she was right—I couldn’t tell her what to do. It was her body, her decision. It killed me, it did, and I was worried about the impact this would have on her because, even though she’d made up her mind, she hadn’t stopped sobbing since she’d told me. Shaking, apologizing. All I wanted was for her to be okay, one hundred percent okay, in whatever choice she made, and that seemed impossible when either choice was going to be life-changing.

Mom was home. We heard her car pull into the drive and Ellie and I sat beside each other on the sofa, waiting with trepidation to tell her what was going on. There was no point in hiding it. Ellie wanted to go home; her flight needed to be changed. Mom would want to know what was going on, and I knew that even though she was going to be disappointed, she’d help.

Ellie twisted her hands together in her lap, her knuckles turning white. Before she could break her own fingers, I took her hand in mine and let her squeeze it as hard as she wanted to.

“She’s going to hate me,” she mumbled, her mouth barely opening enough to let the words out. “She let me into her home and I—”

“Stop that,” I whispered when I heard the front door open. “She won’t hate you. Both of us did this. And we did it before she let you into her home.”

She looked at me; damn, she could not stop trembling. “Really? That’s your loophole?”

“Yea—”

“Afternoon,” Mom wandered in and stepped down into the living area, her coat damp from the rain. Her smile started to dissolve as she looked between Ellie and me. “What’s the matter?”

“Mom,” I started to stand up, but Ellie’s grip tightened, refusing to let me leave her side. As much as I wanted to show Mom the respect that she deserved by standing to let her know what was going on, Ellie needed me and that was important. “Mom, Ellie is pregnant.”

As if the words had power, she stepped backward, her mouth fell open, and she breathed so visibly hard that I worried she would pass out. For a while, no one said a thing. Silence enveloped us, suffocating to the point that I wanted to open a window. If she didn’t speak soon, I was going to have to talk and with the nerves that were coursing through me, I doubted it would be a logical conversation.

“I’m sorry.” Ellie was quiet beside me, a tear slipping down her cheek. Mom didn’t look at her in anger, but she did turn to me with an expectant stare.

“Oh, me too,” I added. “I’m sorry. We weren’t as careful as we should have been.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she slowly walked over to her armchair and sat down. “This is not a great situation. But it’s not . . . impossible. It is hard to navigate, though. How long have you two known?”

“I took the test this morning,” Ellie sniffed and wiped her face. “I told Leroy straight away.”

“Have you called your mother?”

Ellie shook her head and I thought now might be a good time to let Mom know what her plan was. “Mom, Ellie is going to go home and . . . well, she’s going to terminate the pregnancy.”

If I thought Mom looked disappointed before, that was nothing compared to the expression that she was wearing now. Selfishly, I wanted her to help me change Ellie’s mind. But I loved this girl too much to let her feel pressured. That wouldn’t be fair. I prepared to defend her but before I could, Mom nodded.

“All right, well, the sooner we can arrange the flight home, the better. I’ll organize that and when I have, you can call your mother to let her know you’ll be coming home.” Mom nodded between the two of us, her eyes beginning to glisten. That hurt. “Ellie, I do not put the blame solely on you. You’re a good girl. You’re always welcome in my home. That’s not to say that I’m not disappointed in both of you. For all your mature ways, this was a very immature mistake that should have been avoided. Especially by you, Leroy. I always made sure that you knew better.”

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