Page 72 of The Summer of ’98

Amber smiled. “So good, chick. He’s so sweet and funny. The boy makes me laugh all the time. I love that.”

“He is super nice. I love how he talks.”

“Right,” she agreed with excitement. “He’s so sophisticated and has all the cutest little nicknames. Everyone is ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful’ to him.”

“I know. You could be having the worst day and he’d say, how’s it going, gorgeous? and it’s a surge of good vibes.”

“Totally,” Amber was cheesing. “Usually I’d go postal if my man called another woman gorgeous but it’s different with him. It’s so innocent. It’s one of my favorite things about him.”

“I don’t know what to do, Ambs,” I quietly said. “I actually just have no idea how to move forward.”

She didn’t say anything for a while and then she rested her head on my shoulder. “Want my honest opinion?”

“Sure.”

“Tell Leroy that you want to keep the baby, tell your momma to be quiet and be supportive, and go back to Colorado. That family will take care of you.”

“I don’t know if I do want to keep the baby. I mean, I do. But I know that I want to keep it for the fairy-tale version of this situation. I know the smart thing to do is give it up for adoption. Even if that’s not what I want, that’s what I should do. None of that makes any sense, does it?”

“It does,” she said. “It’s not wrong to want the fairy tale, though, girl. Even Cinderella struggled before she lived in the castle. It might be hard, but hell, it might be worth it. Only you can decide if you want to take the risk.”

“I know,” I said, still no closer to having a decision.

I spent the entire week debating what to do. There was a long list of possible options that rotated themselves over in my mind. The first being, call Leroy. Or call his mom to ask for help. Running away was starting to sound more and more appealing with every angry look that Momma shot me from across the room too. But no matter how many new options I came up with, the same counter thought came along: It wasn’t fair to Leroy.

I would have to depend on him so much. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to jeopardize his future or become a burden. When I thought about it with logic, adoption was not only in our best interest, but the child’s too. My mind went back and forth, wondering if I should just save myself the turmoil and terminate. It was like a game of ping-pong going on inside my head. But the ball always landed in the adoption court. I’d given this child a face, fallen in love with it. Even if I didn’t get to raise it, at least it would have the best upbringing that it could.

Amber was also right, though—I had to tell Leroy something. The radio silence must have been killing him and that hurt to think about.

“Ellie,” Momma knocked on the door while I lay in bed and thought about what a mess I had made. “We should think about booking that appointment with the OB-GYN and contacting the adoption agency.”

I pulled the covers farther over my head so that she couldn’t see me grimace. How was I going to cope when it came time to actually give my baby up when the thought of doing so already made me feel so sick? I was eighteen. I shouldn’t have had to feel so submissive.

“Momma, we’ve got time,” I mumbled from the dark of my comforter. “Can we just . . . not?”

“You can’t put it off for long, Ellie.” The mattress dipped as she sat down beside me. “And you need to see an OB-GYN sooner rather than later.”

I could call Leroy, tell him that I want to have a child with him. His mom could help. I could try to get my old job at the pharmacy back. But what if she doesn’t want me to keep the child either? Leroy would struggle juggling college football and a baby. It could ruin his chances of a career. I couldn’t be responsible for that.

The thoughts screamed at me, my chest tightened, and I felt sick with confusion the longer I thought about it. No matter what I chose, someone was going to be disappointed in me. A relationship would be ruined on either side of the spectrum. I had never been so conflicted, ever. And just when I thought I was content with a choice, my mind went into overdrive again. Ping-pong. Back and forth, back and forth. It was draining.

“I think that I’m going to go down to the community college and look at the business course sign-ups,” I said, flicking the blanket back and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “It’d be best to get in and get it sorted. I might need a job or something as well. My savings have dwindled a little.”

Momma stood up and followed me around the room while I organized an outfit for the morning. “That’s what you’re going to do with your day? You have more important things to concern yourself with, Ellie.”

I turned around and stared at her with disbelief. “Isn’t that the point in this decision that you’ve made for me? That it’s to benefit my future? Well, that’s what I’m doing, Momma.”

“Drop the attitude,” she warned. “This isn’t a choice that I’ve made for you—you made it when you decided to be foolish and irresponsible. I really thought you’d have been smarter after knowing what I went through when I was a teenager. Is this the life you want to end up with? A shoebox of a house and no damn career? You made this choice, Ellie. You want that baby, you go ahead and get out of this house. I’m not living through the consequences of stupidity ever again.”

It was true that she had always been vocal about the importance of abstinence and the fact that she didn’t want me to go through what she had. But she’d never said it in such a vicious way. In a way that made it sound as if I was at fault for the life that she’d led. I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t say anything at all. I clutched the shirt in my hand and resisted the urge to scream and demand some damn space. I’d just end up grounded and I needed out of this house.

“Fine, go to the college,” she said. “I’ve got work.”

“Can I get a ride into town?” I asked as she began to leave the room.

“No. Take a bus.”

The weather was ridiculously hot when I stepped off the bus about two blocks from the college in the mid-afternoon. I fanned myself as I looked from left to right before crossing the road. My cute little red floral sundress did little to relieve the heat. All I wanted to do was lie in a bath of cold water. But I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off things. I figured that sorting my business course was a good use of time.

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