Page 78 of Catch My Fall

I bounce the adorable little boy on my knee who giggles and squirms as I tickle him, and a warmth fills my chest, but it’s almost… empty.

I’ll never have this.

He reaches up with his chubby little index finger and traces along the scar on my face from my brow all the way down to my cheekbone. His touch is light, but the movement is like feeling the knife searing through my skin all over again.

I pull my eyes away from Sam and up to meet Alec’s, who watches me and Sam with an unreadable expression and my heart tugs, realisation slapping me across the face.

By being with me, he’ll never experience the joys of being a father. I’d be the cause of him missing out on a significant chunk of his life. A part of me argues that he knows what he’s signing up for, but the other part of me feels guilty for taking the option away from him.

How can I deprive him of something as life-altering as that?

“I’ll just be a second,” I say, passing Sam back to his mom before excusing myself from the table and heading towards the restrooms, fighting a wave of tears all the way there.

I burst through the doors, thankful that the restroom is empty. I lean forward against the counter, letting my tears fall free.

When the door opens, I expect it to be Alec coming in after me, but I’m surprised to find it’s Steph.

“Are you alright?” she asks, stepping closer, placing a gentle hand on my back.

I sniff, swiping at the tears from my face. “I will be in a sec.”

“Did Sam upset you when he touched your scar?”

“What? No, not at all. Sam is wonderful.” I take a steadying breath, drying my eyes with a paper towel. “I… I can’t have children.”

Her face softens. “Oh, Sierra. I’m so sorry.”

“The bad stuff I was telling you about? I was hurt, badly and because of that I can’t ever get pregnant. I can’t ever have a family. How can I take that option away from Alec?”

“Does he know?” she asks, and I nod. “And I’m guessing you haven’t spoken about it?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m… scared? After everything that’s happened lately, I don’t think I could stand losing him.”

“Why do you think he’s still here? I’ve seen the way he looks at you, you’re his whole world, Sierra, and I think that speaks volumes on where he stands with it all. Talk to him, you’ll never know until you do.”

The door swings open behind Steph, and Alec takes a step inside. His brows pull tight when he sees that I’ve been crying. “Everything okay in here?”

“Perfect! Just having a little girl talk, we won’t be long!” Steph replies.

Alec’s frown deepens as his eyes hold mine, but he doesn’t push, and reluctantly, he lets the door swing shut behind him.

“You do know there’s other options right? I know it’s not the same as giving birth to your own child, but there’s other avenues you can explore; adoption, fostering, surrogacy… What I’m saying is, the door isn’t completely closed to you if a family is what you want. I’m here, if you ever want to talk, okay?”

I wrap my arms around her neck. “Thank you.”

“You know, I’m quite excited to have you as my friend.” She smiles.

“You know what? So am I.”

When we leave the bathroom, I can feel Alec’s eyes lingering on me as we return to the table, and I purposely avoid meeting his eye for fear I’ll crack and my well-constructed mask will slip.

I know the whole not being able to have children thing is a conversation that is long overdue, especially now that Alec and I are a thing, but I want to try and enjoy living in this little bubble for a while longer.

∞∞∞

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