Page 35 of Catch My Fall

Something catches his eye, and after excusing himself, he heads off in the opposite direction to investigate, and while his back is turned, I snatch the red underwear set in my size off the rail and hurry towards the counter before I can talk myself out of it.

∞∞∞

As soon as I get to my bedroom, I drop my bags onto the floor, kicking off my shoes and rubbing my aching feet.

I sift through all the clothes I bought and pick out one of my new tops. But as soon as I bring it over my head, I know it’s all wrong. I thought the sleeves would be long enough to cover the burn on my arm from where they held a lighter to my skin, but I was wrong.

I tug it back over my head and toss it onto the floor, heaving a frustrated sigh.

Somewhere in the house Theo is crying, the sound carrying through the corridors, magnifying it and I hope to god Della or Gage get to him soon.

I reach into another bag and pull out a different top, and when I tug it down, my stomach bottoms out. There’s a thin strip of skin showing between the hem of the top and the waistband of my leggings, and there, straight down the middle is my hysterectomy scar.

I trace my finger over the raised skin that runs from my belly button to just above my pubic hairline.

Tears fall before I’m even aware.

No matter what I wear, I’m never going to be able to hide them. I’m never going to be able to forget what they put me through.

I’m never going to beautiful again—at least not in my mind.

My burns are ugly. My scars even more so.

Theo’s still crying somewhere, and somehow it’s getting louder.

Please make it stop.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I rip the top over my head and throw it onto the floor along with the other.

My nephew’s cries grow even louder, the high-pitched wail piercing my eardrums like a knife.

Stop. Stop. STOP!

I curl up in the middle of my bedroom floor, my knees tucked against my chest with my hands covering my ears to muffle the sound, thought it does little to dampen it.

It’s all too much.

I feel like I’m drowning, my chest tightening so much it feels like I can’t breathe.

My heart pounds. The blood rushing in my ears.

My mind is in overdrive, a million thoughts firing at me all at the same time.

I just want it all to stop.

The overwhelming need to scream grips me so strong. It rises up inside of me like a tidal wave. I need to let it out.

So I do.

I scream at the top of my lungs, the sound drowning out everything else. Every noise. Every thought.

I scream and scream until all the air leaves my lungs and my throat burns.

And just like that, everything stops.

14

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