Page 32 of Catch My Fall

I don’t own anything that will cover the imperfections on my body. For the last few weeks I’ve lived in old shirts and sweatpants of my dad’s that are three sizes too big for me. They’re so baggy you could fit two of me inside one, but it’s just the way I like it.

I haven’t left the house once except for the garden, so my appearance doesn’t really matter to me. I’ve turned into a full-blown hermit, avoiding people at all costs, including my family. I live in my bedroom, watching re-runs of my comfort shows and movies to pass the time. Anything else has ceased to interest me. Old hobbies don’t have the same appeal as they once held. I can’t even be bothered to read, even that is too much effort.

Nothing interests me anymore. I’m numb. Mentally and physically numb, so much so my attention span is non-existent and I don’t care about anything anymore.

I settle on a pair of leggings that won’t aggravate the scar on my abdomen and an oversized sweater that Reese let me borrow a while back. I look homeless, but the fact I even showered and changed out of my pyjamas is progress.

I look at the sea of discarded clothes on the floor.

Jesus, I need some new clothes.

I decide to skip breakfast. My appetite isn’t what it once was, and I only eat when I really have to. Instead, I pad through the house, and my head snaps up when I hear a cry coming from the living room. I go in search of the sound and find Della holding her son, Theo, rocking him gently back and forth in her arms while she hums him a tune.

“Oh, hey.” She smiles when she sees me standing in the doorway.

“Hey. I heard Theo crying so…”

“He was just hungry. He’s a little monster, this one,” she tickles his belly and he giggles. “Honestly, he’s the cutest thing. I don’t know what I’d ever do without him.” Realisation dawns on her face as soon as the words leave her mouth and her gaze snap to mine, pity filling her eyes. “Oh God, Sierra. I’m so sorry, I didn’t think.”

“It’s fine,” I lie, forcing a smile before taking in a deep breath to stop the torrent of tears forming.

Keep it together, Sierra.

“Can… Can I hold him?” I ask.

Della’s eyes widen with surprise. “O—Of course. Here.” She passes Theo to me, carefully laying him in my arms, as I support his head with my palm.

This is the first time I’ve held him since before I was taken. I haven’t dared to. In all honesty, I’ve been avoiding him since I came home because he’s a painful reminder of the one thing I’ll never have and seeing him hurts too much.

I leave the room and head out into the back yard, taking a seat in the wooden swing chair under the shade of one of the trees against the house. The birds chirp as the sun steadily rises overhead.

One of Gage’s men walks by me, patrolling the house like it’s some sort of fortress, nodding good morning as he goes. Since Austin kidnapped me, my brothers have been on high alert. So much so, our live-in housekeeper and cook, Viola, has been sent to live with her family, as far from us as possible for her own safety. Rafe, Reese and my niece, Ivy have moved into the house instead of his apartment. Stronger in numbers and all that bullshit.

I’m not going to lie and say that the prospect of Austin getting close to me and my family doesn’t scare me, because it does. He’s out there somewhere waiting for the right opportunity to strike, but I can’t live the rest of my life in fear. We just have to be ready for him.

Theo coos in my arms and I pull him closer against my chest. He’s grown since I last held him, filling out his blue romper decorated with tiny elephants. He wriggles and his tiny hand reaches out to touch my face, and that one gentle touch has a tidal wave of emotion rising to the surface inside of me. It’s too strong to hold back and before I know it, I’m a sobbing mess.

I clutch him tighter, burying my face against his tiny body as my shoulders shake, hot tears streaming down my face. I’m crying so heavily it literally hurts to breathe. It’s like someone has my lungs in their fist, slowly squeezing out all the air.

I’m filled with so many conflicting emotions. The overwhelming love for my baby nephew. Tiredness. Sadness. Heartbreak. And it’s only now that I realise that what I’m feeling above everything else is grief.

I’m grieving.

Grieving for the girl I once was and the innocence that was taken from me. Grieving for the child I’ll never have and all of the precious moments of pregnancy and motherhood that were stolen from me.

But above all, I’m grieving for the mother that I’ll never become. The one thing I always wanted to be and now it’s out of my reach.

I’ll never feel my child kick inside me, never hear their heartbeat through the ultrasound monitor, never experience the excitement of finding out if it’s a boy or a girl.

My whole life has been ripped from me and I don’t know what to do with that. Where does that leave me?

Will there ever be an end to my torment? It will follow me around like a dark grey cloud hanging above my head, the constant reminder of what they did and what they took from me.

13

After my breakdown with Theo the other day, I retreated back to my room and only came out again for food. I must have pushed myself too hard too fast because as good as it felt holding my nephew, I wasn’t ready to tear that Band-Aid off just yet. One step forward is like five steps back. I feel even worse than I did before, and wallowing in a darkened room with nothing but my own thoughts is not helping.

I need to put on my big girl pants and be productive, take my mind off my shit storm of a life and find a sense of normality—if that’s even possible.

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