Page 53 of The Bachelor

“I don’t know what we’re doing either.” She didn’t. She started out the day determined to avoid him like crazy and now here she was and she felt nothing but satisfied and content. Emotionally and physically connected to him in a way that she couldn’t explain, but that she didn’t want to lose. “I hope we’re doing a lot. Together.”

He sighed. “I think I might have mentioned I have commitment issues. I feel like I need to explain that and why. I want you to understand.”

“I don’t think you said that exactly.” It was Jolene who had told her Shane didn’t do relationships.

“I keep you know, a wall up in front of my emotions because I didn’t want to do the whole marriage-and-kids thing.”

Yeah, she definitely didn’t want to have this conversation right now. Some day she might want those things that Shane had mentioned, but she didn’t want them right now and she didn’t want to talk about something far into the future. Right now she wanted to enjoy the moment with Shane, not have it lessened by the reality of its impermanency. “Okay,” she told him. “So is this a warning? Don’t beat on the wall with my fists?” She wasn’t trying to be flippant, just clear.

He kissed the back of her head. “I don’t think it’s a warning. I’m pretty sure you’ve already kicked out most of my bricks with your boot when I wasn’t looking.”

That made her stomach tighten. “Yeah?” Odd enough, she felt a flutter of arousal again.

“Yeah. I told you I love you. I never say that to anyone. I mean it. I love you. But I feel like I need to explain.” His voice was low, slow. Like he was thinking his words through carefully. “I had a nasty, mean father. He was abusive to my mother and I spent my childhood vacillating between fear and overwhelming anger. I was afraid of him, but I also wanted to pound him into the ground. I lost my control a few times and he put me in the hospital because while I had the rage, he had the size and experience on me. Motherfucker broke my arm in three places and knocked me unconscious. We lied about it. Told the hospital staff I fell off the porch.”

“Oh, my God, Shane,” she whispered, horrified. “I’m so sorry.”

“We don’t talk about this shit any more. None of us. My mom finally left him. Jolene dealt with it by being a friend to our mother and pouring her heart into music, and Elle dealt with it by pretending she doesn’t give a shit about anything, but it was different for them. I was the only one who ever got into physical confrontations with our father because I felt like I should be man enough to protect my mother. I was ten the first time I stepped between them.”

Avery shifted her hands so that she was cupping his. She squeezed. Her throat was tight. “No ten-year-old should have to do that.”

“I agree. But it’s messed me up some, you know, and there you have it. My fear is, was, and always will be that I don’t know how to be a husband or a father. I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship, get close to anyone, for that reason.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. It wasn’t up to her to talk him out of his feelings. They were his and as such, she had to respect them. “You have to do whatever is right for you, Shane. And no one who didn’t experience what you did has any right to express an opinion about it so I won’t, other than to tell you that I trust you. And I’m just sorry that you, your family, had to go through that.”

His grip on her tightened. “But what I’m offering you is me, as I am, flawed and bound to fuck up, and I will try every day to make that be enough for you. You’re a special woman, Avery.”

She wanted to cry and she closed her eyes briefly, grateful he was behind her and couldn’t see her tears. She didn’t want him to misinterpret it. “You’re a special man and you’re more than enough for me. I love you, too, you know.” She squeezed his hand again. “Thank you for being honest and sharing that with me.”

“I’ve never told a woman what I just told you.”

It wasn’t any coincidence, in her opinion, that he’d chosen to tell her when she wasn’t facing him. But she didn’t think he had any reason to be ashamed. “It means a lot to me that you trusted me with that. I won’t ever tell anyone, you have my word.”

She also knew that she needed to tell him about her relationship to Chance. But she wanted to make sure he was done telling her what he needed her to hear.

“Good.” He sounded gruff. “It’s nobody’s business but mine and my mother’s. I still have hate in my heart for my father, you know. That’s why I’ve kept my distance from women. How far is love from hate?”

That broke her heart for him. “You’d be surprised by how far apart they actually are when someone unconditionally loves you. I didn’t come here tonight to ask for anything more than you can give, Shane.”

“Was it for the food?” he joked, and she knew his honesty had been hard for him. He was retreating immediately behind humor, Mr. Casual.

Avery gave a soft laugh, to let him know she was okay with his changing the subject. She wasn’t going to press him. “No. I had a hard week, because of everyone giving me such a shit time at work. But it was also a great week. I want to share both of those feelings with you because I know you’ll celebrate with me. And more importantly you’ll give me a hug.” She craned her head over her shoulder, needing to see him.

He shook his head. “I’m here for you, Avery, that I can promise you.”

That was almost like the definition of commitment but she wasn’t going to point that out to him. She just appreciated his words. “Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you left that bachelor party early that night.” Her story would be much different if he hadn’t.

He pulled her in closer, and yanked a sheet over their cooling bodies. He reached over and turned the lamp off. “Me too. Now go to sleep, Red, and in the morning I’ll make you black coffee the way you like it.”

She had to confess. “I actually like cream and sugar, I was just being contrary that night.”

Shane laughed. “Figures. That’s probably half of why I like you.”

“Happy birthday, Shane. A few days late.”

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