Page 81 of My Forbidden Boss

I take the blame for my part in this. I drove him to send me away. I did the deeds that have to be paid for. The price is high, but he deserves so much more than how I treated him.

I have to be stronger than both of us to end this. He has a life ahead of him. Samantha. A baby. His daughter.

He doesn’t need to always wonder if he made the right decision. If he should have let me go. If I’m not with him because of his money after all.

He might not wonder now, but he will. The seed of doubt will grow and flourish. It’s human nature.

The evidence is in our lack of anything. Our living circumstances will always be between us. He’s seen it all. It’s laid bare, its inglorious light shining to highlight the ground-in dirt, the shabbiness, the hole we have no hope of climbing out of. Like the paint peeling on the walls, I can no longer hide. I can’t pretend I’m something I’m not.

I won’t let him live with a lie.

David asks us to pack our things. I grab a couple of garbage bags and shove our few clothes into them. I have more clothes at the apartment Max rented. It should still be rented. He doesn’t know David found out about him. He’ll be unaware and ready to keep using me.

I’m still playing the game. Still the pawn. The rules are the same, but instead of black, I’m white.

When I’m done, I help Mom stand, bring the walking frame to her and tell David we’re ready.

I’m still lying.

My nerves are on fire. I’m so attuned to him I could pick him out in a crowd of thousands without hesitation. His scent fills my nostrils, his body heat curls to wrap around me, his eyes are a weight on my shoulders as he waits in the corner. I don’t want to find comfort in any of it.

I had my time in the sun. I’ll happily find that rock and slink into the darkness because I’m not worthy of that sort of intensity.

We follow David to his car and as he puts Mom’s frame in the trunk, Mom squeezes my hand. “You’ll tell me everything?”

I nod, because it will ease her nerves, but not now. Now I have to work on enforcing the walls because they can’t come down.

I help Mom into the back seat and slip in next to her. If David wants me in the front, he doesn’t say. As we drive off and the night closes around me, I take that small comfort.

Mom leans across and whispers in my ear, “Never be ashamed of where we come from. It’s who we are, not what we have, that’s important.”

My breath seizes as her words slice into my soul. A flash of headlights shows me the understanding in her eyes. She asked me to tell her everything when she already knows. There is no hiding from her. No judgment either. I have enough for the two of us.

I swallow hard as the walls quake. I nod. Offer her a small smile. “I know.”

Lies. Lies. Lies. I’ll burn in hell for my false words. I’ll endure that punishment too, knowing I saved both of them.

Mom engages David in small talk. It helps to ease the tension in the car. When we enter New York, I search for the signs of my neighborhood, but David turns in the opposite direction.

“You said you needed us in New York,” I say.

“Yes,” David says.

“You’re not going in the right direction,” I say.

“You’re both staying with me,” he says and god, the rasp of his voice sends electric shivers up my spine. I’d held on, knowing I’d have the protection of my apartment to shield me when he dropped me off.

“We can’t. We won’t stay there,” I say.

“Your suburb is too dangerous.” He knows. He beat off my two attackers, but I won’t tell Mom that.

“We’ll stay inside. Give me my cell and I can help you from there.” I clutch at straws but they’re too short for me to grasp and scatter to the ground.

“I have the space. Lira will have a room to herself, and so will you. You’re in no danger from me,” he says.

But I am in danger. I’ll be in his space with no chance of escape. A gilded prison of pretend safety, and my mother is the bait on the hook in the middle of this cage.

“I’ll be with you,” Mom says. “It’ll be alright.”

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