Page 156 of Ivory Oath

Dr. Rossi leaves and Viviana pulls me closer to the side of her bed. “What are you thinking?”

I blink and paste on a smile. “I’m happy.”

“But…?” she prods.

I shake my head. “It’s nothing.”

Viviana brings my hand to her lips. She kisses my knuckle and presses her cheek to my curled fingers. “It’s okay if you have mixed feelings, Mikhail.”

I clench my teeth. “We’re having a baby. This is what we wanted. We’re supposed to be overjoyed.”

“You and I have never done what we’re supposed to do. Why start now?” She shrugs. “I mean, I’m happy, but I’m scared, too. I’m worried I don’t know how to have a family in the traditional sense. Not after the way I grew up.”

“Are you scared I’ll be a bad parent? That I’ll turn into a man like our fathers?”

She palms both sides of my face and forces me to meet her eyes. “Listen to me: that is the one thing I have never, ever been scared of, Mikhail. You’ve suffered so much in your life, but instead of letting it make you cold and cruel, you’ve used it to become a better man. That’s how I know you have enough love in your heart for this baby and Anzhelina.”

I stiffen, but Viviana strokes her fingers over my cheeks. “How did you know?” I mumble.

“Because I’m a parent, too,” she says softly. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I won’t tell you how to feel, but I have no doubt that you’ll love this baby girl the same way you loved Anzhelina. The same way you love Dante. Love isn’t a finite resource. When you have a child, you don’t have to make room for them in your heart. It grows to fit them. There’s always enough to go around.”

I want to believe her. Maybe someday, I will.

But not tonight.

Still, I kneel next to her bed and cradle her face in my hands. “I love you. And I’m happy.”

She kisses me softly. “Me, too.”

63

VIVIANA

The hospital room is beige and bland. Anatoly snuck in some French fries and a strawberry milkshake when he brought Dante to visit for lunch, so the food situation isn’t as miserable as it was a few hours ago, but as soon as they left, it was back to the beige, bland silence.

Back to Mikhail pacing the room, back and forth and back and forth across the scuffed terrazzo tiles. The only time he stops is to stare through the blinds at the city around, his dark brow furrowed.

Even full of worry and anxiety, Mikhail is the only bright spot in the room for me.

That selfishness is the only reason I’ve let him pace in stormy silence for so long. I don’t want him to leave.

“I’m getting dizzy,” I complain when he turns away from the window once again to continue pacing. “You don’t have to stay. You asked me to give you time and I said I would. If you have things to do, you can go.”

Mikhail turns to me. His blue eyes clear like he’s coming out of a dream. He’s been deep in his head ever since Dr. Rossi told us that I’m having a baby girl.

He’d never admit it, but he’s terrified. Having a little girl probably feels like he’s trying to replace the daughter he lost. There’s a part of me that hoped we would have another boy for that very reason. I always knew this was a possibility.

Just a couple months ago, Mikhail vowed to never have a real family ever again. A lot has changed since then, but old habits die hard.

“I want to make sure you’re okay.”

I laugh. “Dr. Rossi said I was okay yesterday. The only reason I’m still here is because you insisted. I could probably track down a nurse and get myself released in five minutes.”

Mikhail draws closer to the bed, a devilish smirk tugging the corner of his mouth. “You’ll have to get through me first.”

Heat settles low in my belly. It’s been there since Mikhail pulled me out of bed yesterday and dragged me to the hospital. Nothing kills the mood faster than unexplained vaginal bleeding, I guess.

“Gladly,” I purr.

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