Page 62 of Tell Me Again

“This is what I was thinking about,” I whisper in his ear as I stroke him again. “Except... with less clothing.”

“That sounds . . .”

“Good?”

“Yessssss. God, yes.” He moans, and his hands slip back under my shirt.

And that’s when I freeze up. Because I’m really not ready.

I pull away and turn around, suddenly needing space. Or something.

Fuck.

Yeah, I’d jerked off while thinking about him less than a week ago. And yeah, I’m ready to touch him—god, I want to touch him. So fucking badly. And god, I fucking want to be ready. But I’m just... not. And it doesn’t make sense. Why the fuck—

“Coop?”

“Sorry, I just—I just need a minute.” I run a hand through my hair, and I hear him step up closer behind me. My heart’s beating hard in my chest, and it’s almost painful. And I’m fucking terrified.

Why the fuck am I terrified? I close my eyes, and my jaw clenches tight. I fucking know why, and it makes sense. It fucking makes perfect sense.

It’s because I don’t know, not for sure. I don’t know if I’m the only one who doesn’t want this to end. I don’t know that he’s not going to leave me. Again. I don’t know if this is... safe.

I need to know first.

Fuck.

“Wh-what—what does all of this mean to you, Josh?”

“I, um—I-I’m sorry, what?”

I turn around to face him again, and he’s watching me, his forehead creased with concern and confusion. Of course he’d be confused. I’m fucking confused too. I run a hand through my hair and look down at the floor.

“This. Us. This date today. This—” I motion to him and me because I have no idea what words to say. Then I turn away, my chest feeling tight. “What—what does it mean to you? What is all of this to you?”

I feel him move closer to me, and his hand touches mine, his fingertips tracing along my palm and then up to my elbow. Fuck, that feels good. Yet I’m almost sick with worry because if he doesn’t say what I want him to say...

God, this is so fucking confusing.

He squeezes my arm and slowly wraps his other arm around my midsection. And then he holds me as he lowers his mouth to my neck again, just as he had earlier. He kisses me just once, lightly, and his hand on my stomach presses into me with some sort of insistence. At least, that’s what it feels like.

“Everything, Coop.” He pauses as his lips brush against my neck again. “This means everything to me. You mean everything to me.”

God, my heart is just pounding. I swallow hard, and I feel him shudder as he holds me tighter.

“Coop, I won’t screw this up again. I promise. I want us. I want the chance—every day—to show you what you mean to me. I want to be your best friend again. But I want to be more than that too. I want...” His hand slides along my stomach, and he kisses my neck. “I want to show you that I love you. That I never stopped loving you. If—if that’s what you want. If you’ll... let me.”

I’m fucking shaking again, and I’m sure I couldn’t have possibly heard him right, because he said the L word there. Twice. He fucking said the L word twice. And there’s that weird shit going on in my chest—my heart doing some funny fluttering thing.

It feels wonderful, but I’m also terrified, for a different reason this time.

I turn around in his arms, and he immediately reaches up to cup my cheek.

“Please, please believe me, Coop,” he says quietly. His eyes are searching, pleading with me. His thumb brushes along my cheekbone. “I can’t lose you a second time.”

I shake my head. “I-I don’t want to lose you either. That’s the last thing I want.”

There’s so much more I want to say. But the words aren’t fucking coming. And it’s frustrating as hell right now because this is really important.

---