Page 6 of Where the River Meets the Skye

River shrugged. “My aunt got me into grief counseling when she saw what a hard time I was having, and that helped some. So middle school was easier. I had a good home, with my aunt. I never felt unwanted or unloved with her, so yeah, things got better, for a while.”

Skye swallowed a lump in his throat and the back of his neck prickled. “For a while? What does that mean? Did something else happen?” His pulse quickened. River’s gaze met Skye’s briefly, but it was long enough for Skye to notice the pain in those beautiful sapphire eyes, the truth in them, before they fell to his lap again and he gripped the ring on his middle finger, twisting it around. Skye couldn’t tell, but he thought River might be shaking slightly. Shit. Did he scare him? Did he overstep?

“Sorry,” Skye apologized, seeing that his roommate was clearly uncomfortable. “That’s not my business.” Maybe he was pushing the limits of social boundaries. They hadn't known each other all that long. Two months, really, but it felt longer, in a good way. He enjoyed River’s company, enjoyed his friendship, and he hated to see that he was hurting, or that his past might be tainted in some way. Skye desperately wanted to help. That’s what he did. He helped. Especially when it came to people he cared about. And yeah, he cared about River.

They had spent a lot of time together over the past couple of months, doing homework together, playing video games, watching movies, talking about theology and religion, and politics, and River had never pushed any of his beliefs on Skye, but had always done his best to answer any questions Skye had without sounding pompous or assholish, or making Skye feel inferior. He’d offered to take Skye to church once and when Skye had politely declined River hadn’t brought it up again. They had joined the Gay-Straight Alliance on campus together and had attended several of the events and made some awesome friends together.

But Skye wouldn't push River into saying anything he wasn’t ready to say, so he just went back to doing his homework.

A minute later he heard sniffles and looked up to see River wiping his eyes from behind his glasses. Fuck. Skye was so stupid. So goddamn fucking stupid. Why did he have to open his big fat mouth? Even if something did happen, River was under no obligation whatsoever to talk to Skye about it. God, why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?

“Shit, Riv.” Skye scooted off of his bed and moved over to sit on River’s bed next to his feet. River drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, continuing to wipe tears from his eyes even as more fell. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.”

River shook his head and then buried his face in his arms as he sobbed, his shoulders shaking. Skye moved up the bed until he was sitting next to River, then wrapped his arms around his roommate. River stiffened slightly, but then relaxed in Skye’s grip. “I’m here. You don't have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I’m here.” To Skye’s surprise River leaned into him, his head resting on Skye’s shoulder, his tears sliding underneath the collar of Skye’s shirt as he sobbed.

“I tried…but I couldn’t...and they…” River was trembling as the words left his lips, his chest heaving. His eyes met Skye’s and they were filled with so much grief and anguish.

Skye’s stomach clenched as he felt the color draining from his face. Holy fuck. “Shit, River, I’m so sorry.” He held River tighter, not knowing what else to say, or do. But River kept talking, so Skye kept listening.

“Some seniors in my high school when I was a sophomore.” River had tears spilling down his cheeks as his body shook. “They knew I was a Christian, and a virgin, and they started out just making fun of me for it, calling me the “righteous kid,” and that was annoying but I could tolerate it because saving myself for marriage was more important to me than their opinion, but then they took that away from me, Skye.” His chest heaved again and he sucked in a breath. “Like a cruel prank. They ganged up on me, and I couldn't do anything. I felt so helpless, and I tried to fight, and call for help but there were three of them and they just…” He sobbed harder, burying his face in Skye’s shoulder. “They gagged me, and they kept saying that I would thank them when it was over and that they were doing me a favor. They humiliated me and treated it like a game.” He shook even harder now, his body racked with sobs.

Skye’s head was spinning from what River had told him. He felt nauseated, horrified, and enraged. “Fucking bastards,” he snarled. He wanted to rage, to throw things. He wanted to find whoever those sick fucks were and rip their fucking throats out. Instead, he ran his fingers through River’s hair as his roommate’s tears soaked his shirt, and he sucked in harsh breaths. He didn’t know what to say. What did you say when someone you cared about told you that they had been robbed of their innocence? “River, I can’t even imagine. I’m so fucking sorry.”

When River didn’t stop shaking or crying, Skye squeezed him tighter. River melted into him even as his breath hitched.“You’re safe,” Skye said. “I promise. You’re safe with me.” He held his roommate tighter as his sobs diminished, and he noticed that River was starting to breathe more evenly now. No wonder he’d been so put off when Skye had asked him about his virginity the day they had met. Fuck, now he really felt like a grade A dick.

River lifted his head and wiped away his tears. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” Skye told him. “You don’t ever have to talk about anything if you don’t want to, but I’m here if you do. I may not know the right thing to say all the time, but I’ll listen for as long as you need me to.”

River’s gaze met his, his eyes red-rimmed as he wiped at his cheeks. “Thank you. I’m doing better than I was a year ago. Therapy has helped and so has my aunt.” His chest heaved. “You and her are the only ones who know besides my therapist.” He took a deep breath and let it out, wiping more tears away. “My faith has helped, but it’s still really hard sometimes.” His chest heaved again and another tear slipped free.

“River, how can you believe in a God who would let something like that happen to you?” Skye blurted, then instantly regretted his words. That wasn’t what River needed to hear right now, but he just didn’t understand. “I just don’t get it.”

River only gave a soft smile. “It took a long time for me not to blame Him, not to feel like He had abandoned me. But I realized how much He hated what had happened to me, how much He grieved for me. How angry He was. Reading the Bible, seeing God’s promises, His truths, that He was there for me, that’s what kept me going. If it hadn’t been for that I probably would have given up a long time ago.

“I know you’ve been hurt, Skye, and you have a right to feel the way you do. You’ve been mistreated your entire life by people who claim to love God, who claim that God is love, but then turn around and spew hate, who are trying to take away your right to exist, to have a family, a job, who call you terrible things, because of your sexuality, and there is nothing okay with that. People do shitty things in the name of religion and in God’s name. But the religion itself isn’t evil because some of the people in it are, and God isn’t evil because some of his so-called followers are. I don’t believe God makes mistakes. And you are not a mistake. You are good, and God loves you exactly as you are.”

Skye bit his lip and nodded. He wasn’t sure what he thought about River’s words at the moment. But something else tugged on his mind, too. “What do you mean you probably would have given up a long time ago if it hadn’t been for your faith? Is that what these are from?” He slid his fingers over the scars on River’s forearms. River twitched slightly but didn’t pull away. He nodded. “It’s been a while, but yeah, I used to self-harm. It was the only way I knew how to cope before I got some help.”

“And the nightmares?” River looked at Skye, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

“Am I waking you?” He looked mortified. “Crap, I’m so sorry. I told my therapist I should have a single room but she insisted I was doing better and that it would be a good idea for me to have a roommate. That it was an important step to take and all that. She didn’t want me being alone and never making friends…” He looked like he was starting to panic and Skye shook his head.

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” He rested his hand on River’s arm. “I’m not upset. I just figured if you wanted me to wake you next time it happens, I will.” River nodded, relaxing at Skye’s touch. And Skye couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride, that River did, in fact, feel safe with him. He would always, always make sure of that.

“What do you say we take a break from homework and watch a movie?” Skye said, thinking it was time for a change of topic. “I’ll pop us some popcorn.”

River gave a soft smile. “Star Wars?”

“A New Hope? That way I can drool over Harrison Ford.” Skye waggled his eyebrows and River laughed. It was the most beautiful sound in the world, and Skye wanted more of it.

“Deal,” River said.

It was a few days later when Skye woke to the sound of muffled cries coming from River’s bed. He scooted out from under his covers and slid under River’s. “Riv, you okay?” River turned and buried his face in Skye’s shoulder as he sobbed once again, and Skye held him.

“I wanted to save myself for my wife. I wanted to choose who I gave myself to. They took that, Skye. They took my choice.”

“Riv, look at me,” Skye instructed gently.

When River pulled away, Skye could see the torment etched on his features and his chest ached. Goddamn, those assholes. He wanted to take River in his arms and make everything better, take away all of his hurt and suffering. What the fuck was wrong with people? How could anyone be so fucking sick and twisted? He couldn’t imagine going through what River had gone through, and not letting it destroy him. He was incredible. A survivor. And so damn brave. What kind of courage and strength would it take to move forward after something like that; to face it and heal from it? Skye was so amazed by River, by anyone who had been a victim of assault or abuse, and the strength it must take to live day to day.

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