Page 82 of Fierce Monarch

I was not in my right mind.

From the moment I walked into my mother’s room and saw Mari there, everything had shifted. I’d been sitting there for longer than they knew, watching the ease she had with Mom.

The kindness she showed her. Despite everything I’d done, Mari hadn’t taken it out on my mother.

It wasn’t just my love blinding me to her faults either. Mari’s character was the reason I’d changed my mind about pursuing her in the first place. Like me, she was someone good who was born into a world that didn’t like her for it, and this had gone on too long.

Besides, the love I had for her was different. I’d never been in love before, had no business trying when I knew my brother would destroy it for himself, but this felt like more than first love. This was soul-deep, lifetime and beyond shit. There wasn’t a world where I didn’t try to keep Mari forever, but I didn’t know if she felt the same anymore, and I couldn’t stand it. I’d given her space, but knowing she’d gone to my mother to check she hadn’t been wrong about my character stung. She deserved the truth if we were going to find a way forward like I wanted, and she needed it now. Hence my midnight climb.

Honestly, it wasn’t that bad since I started from a neighboring roof to get onto the Celestine then climbed down, but it was slow going. Trying to avoid detection was more important than speed. This was a one-chance operation. If Moore figured out I could get to Mari, he’d lock this place down in a heartbeat, and I’d have to wait around until I could get her alone again. Something told me we didn’t have time for that.

It was laughably easy to get inside, and I settled into the pristine apartment to wait for my moment. Though it was almost midnight, I could hear Mari and the others in the kitchen. The clang of pots told me Greyson was cooking a snack as Dominic and Mari ribbed each other. The hole in my chest grew as I realized I should’ve been there too. I would’ve been poking at Dominic and making fun of Mari. The hole I should’ve fit in was empty, and they’d closed ranks around it. The reminder that they’d been a family of sorts before me was stark.

Just because they’d invited me into it didn’t mean they mourned my loss.

I was so distracted by the pain of it that I almost missed my chance. Mari’s soft footsteps were so quiet under Dominic’s and Grey’s voices that they were hard to make out. I caught them just in time, waiting until Mari stepped past me to make my move. All it took was a quick glance to make sure the others weren’t looking, then I reached out and snatched her.

I had her pressed against the wall, one hand on her mouth and the other restraining her hands before she even realized what happened.

“Don’t scream.”

I don’t know if it was my scent or that she recognized my voice, but the way she melted at my whisper made my pulse race. She instinctually leaned into me, that touch easing some of the agony I’d been living in without her. Having her in my arms made me feel like I could breathe again.

She was mumbling against my hand, and I didn’t need to hear the words to know what she was asking.

What the fuck are you doing?

“I think it’s time we talked. Properly.”

Her snort made it obvious that an ambush fifteen feet from her partners wasn’t exactly a proper conversation, but it was the only way I could see her.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Not now, not before. If you still hate me after this, I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone, but I need you to hear this. Hear me.” The lie slipped out slick as silk, but I didn’t dwell on it. If Mari didn’t realize I wasn’t letting her go, then she hadn’t been paying attention. If I could’ve walked away cleanly, I would’ve done it already. She was inside me, body and soul, and there was no exorcising her. Not anymore.

My pulse raced as I counted the seconds, praying the others stayed where they were. From our position in the hallway, we were hidden, but the moment they rounded the corner, they’d see, and I really didn’t want to shoot my way out of her apartment. Especially because I didn’t want to hurt Dominic and Greyson if I could avoid it. I’d never get rid of the guilt.

Finally, Mari nodded, a tiny, almost imperceptible move that lifted my spirits as much as holding her did.

Thank fuck.

I swallowed, pressing myself closer to Mari, stealing her warmth. I hadn’t realized how hard it would be to start. “The first time my brother tried to kill me, I was five. I guess he was jealous that our father had another son. He’s Cash’s idol, and Cash hated that he had to share anything with me. Cash continued his attempts on my life on and off throughout the years until he realized I was worth more alive than dead. I was a good fighter, scrappy and smart, despite being a lot younger. That meant I was small enough to get in and out of places his men couldn’t. When he realized I’d also do whatever it took to keep my mom safe, he had me right where he wanted me.

“I started sneaking into houses, stealing whatever he told me to. If I did, he’d reward us. Food for the house, bills paid, whatever. If I didn’t, he’d hurt her. Our dad was already in jail at that point, so there was no one to rein Cash in. By the time I turned thirteen, I was already inducted as his enforcer.”

Mari had long since stopped struggling, and I leaned my face into her neck, sucking in deep breaths of her scent. I’d never done this before, bared every part of myself to someone, but we needed this. She needed the truth, and I needed the outlet. If we had a future after this, we needed to walk into it clean.

“I killed my first man a few days before my birthday that year, some guy who tried to stiff my brother in a deal. I remember the blood on my hands, sticky and warm. I threw up all over the body. Cash nearly beat me to death because of it. Said my mistake made it harder to cover up the crime.”

Mari wiggled her hands, and when I carefully let them free, she snatched mine, wrapping me around her like she could feel how much I needed her. Taking my chances, I let my fingers slip under her shirt. When she didn’t buck me off, I traced the warm skin, letting the tactile feel of it ground me, even as I ached for more.

The story would be a lot easier if I had something else to distract me.

As if she could hear me, Mari slid our hands into the waistband of her sleep shorts and pushed both of our fingers inside her.

“Christ,” I whispered into her neck. She was so warm and wet. “I didn’t come here for this.”

She shook her head until I pulled my hand away, leaning against my shoulder so she could whisper in my ear when I did. “You don’t want it?”

“I didn’t say that.” I’d always want her. “But you need to know the truth.”

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