Page 55 of Fierce Monarch

That was what Nate had told me when I’d originally asked why he’d joined. I hadn’t thought much of it before, but was his freedom granted by leaving the city or leaving Cash? Did he even want to be an Ace, or was he stuck as one in some form of fucked-up legacy situation?

Would it matter either way?

Don’t put unrealistic expectations on a liar, Mari. Mental scolding done, I forced myself to get back to work.

Nate’s military file was incredibly redacted, but from what we could tell, he had been a merc. His PTSD and the loss of his team were clear in the write-ups, too. He had more commendations than I’d ever seen in a military file, and I’d looked through my fair share. The best security came from a military background like Moore’s. Everything else was exactly what Nate had told me. Hell, even his address and car were the same on all the paperwork, though he’d used his mother’s last name.

Yet it all felt like bullshit.

As I drank the last of my wine, I silently mulled over everything we’d found, as if I could make it make sense the longer I did. There was so much information, and almost none of it was new. What the hell did that mean, and what was I going to do about it?

I glared out the window until Ash cleared her throat. “He didn’t lie about much.”

“Is it enough, though?” He might have been as truthful as he could, but he’d kept the most important thing to himself.

If Cash were any other brother, Nate’s omission probably wouldn’t have mattered. I’d have been upset, but I wouldn’t have shut him out for having family he hated. But he wasn’t. Cash was the man hell-bent on destroying my empire and me with it, and Nate was helping him. Nate, who had inserted himself into my life and the planning to keep my people safe, all while being an Ace.

It was too much.

Taking a sip from my glass poured from the second—or was it third?—bottle of wine, I pushed myself off the couch. I needed to move and take a second to think about something else. “How’re things with Cameron?”

Angel that she was, Ash took my redirection in stride, looking down at her lap with a faint blush. “I think I love him.”

I stopped, turning back to her with an unexpected grin taking over. “Really?”

Ash hadn’t dated seriously since we were teenagers, learning the hard way the lengths people would go to for power. Her walls were high and her wounds were deep, and Cameron… My cousin wasn’t interested in settling down for forever. He’d seen too much, done too much, to ever hope for happily ever after. At least, that’d been the case for a long time. Maybe things had changed. I mean, he’d been lighter since he married Aislynn. Happier, though I was sure some of the bounce in his step was from arguing with her.

I’d hoped the two could be friends, but falling in love? It felt like a pipe dream. Even if I was apprehensive about how fast she’d fallen, I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

She smiled again, picking at her jeans while she spoke. “I don’t know how he feels, but he’s so sweet to me. Thoughtful and charming, too. He always warms up my blankets before we go to bed because I get cold, and he makes sure the house is warm enough for me even though he’s sweating his balls off. He sends flowers and coffee, orders my favorite takeout when he knows he’ll be out. Even though he hasn’t been home as much, he’s been so good about making sure I know I’m cared for. It’s hard not to fall in love with that.”

“I’m so glad to hear that.” I honestly was. I couldn’t imagine two better people to spend their lives together, and the fact that they’d fallen in love was everything I’d been desperately in need of. My sad, aching heart healed a little at Ash’s happy smile.

Then, like she hadn’t just given me her soul, she went for the kill. “How are you doing with everything?”

Redirection over, apparently. “I’m…better.”

The night with the boys had helped tremendously, and waking surrounded by them made me feel more stable than I’d been in days. Leaning on them, even when I didn’t want to, would help me work through this, and eventually, I’d heal. Though, I’d always have the scars to prove Nate existed and to remind me what he’d done, but I could handle that. With Dominic and Greyson at my side, I could handle anything.

Ash watched me carefully over her glass, like she could peel me apart and see my insides. The longer she did, the softer her face became until she was veering dangerously close to pity. When I glared at her, she didn’t even flinch. “You need closure.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

It was a genuine question. I hadn’t done relationships before the guys. When I wanted or needed sex, I found a willing partner to explore that with, and after our time together ran its course, we went our separate ways. No messy feelings needed. I had no understanding of how to deal with a breakup of this caliber, and even though she’d been off the dating wagon for a while, Aislynn had a better grip on what to do.

She nodded decisively. “Absolutely. That’s why I usually do goodbye sex. It ends all the messy feelings and acts like a kick-start to a new chapter. You’ve never had to do that.”

The words felt like a punch to the chest, and Ash winced. “I didn’t mean that. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Because I had had goodbye sex before. I just hadn’t been aware that was what it was.

I’ll never stop loving you.

I squeezed her hand so she knew I wasn’t mad, even if it was a little hard to breathe. Trying to fix things, Ash launched into a tale one of her spies had told her about O’Bannon and his new obsession with pigs, but her words rolled around in my mind.

What would it be like if I’d gotten the chance to say goodbye to Nate in my own way, if I hadn’t had that taken from me? Would it have healed me? Would this hole in my chest be smaller?

Would it cleanse him from my soul?

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