Page 13 of After All This Time

“It’s like you have your humanity turned off. Your mom is showing enough emotions for ten people. Guys can show their emotions too. It’s okay, you won’t look weak.” My chest rises and falls.

“Just because I’m not showing how I feel physically doesn’t mean I’m not losing it mentally. I need to be strong for my family. Don’t assume things you don’t know.”

“Why? You did it to me all the time. What makes this any different?”

“I’ve changed. I’ve grown up. I can’t say the same about you.”

I point at him. “See. You just made an assumption about me. You don’t even realize you do it.”

“Neither do you.”

“Oh, shut up.” I scrunch my face.

Noah rocks from side to side in his chair, gripping the side of it with his hands to balance himself. He places one hand over his chest as his eyes roam around.

I lower my eyebrows to express my confusion. “You are malfunctioning!”

“Fuck off,” he says with a straight face.

“Someone took their cranky pills this morning.”

He’s not looking me in the eyes, but he’s not avoiding me. “If you’re just going to be a p-pain in the ass, leave. You’re not h-helping.”

His lips are twitching.

His hands are shaking.

His chest is rapidly heaving.

“Sit down,” I say.

“I am sitting down!” He grunts, staring at me intensely. “Dani.” His tone is stern rather than upset.

I pull up a chair, moving it in front of him. “You’re having a panic attack, aren’t you?”

“No, of course not.” He pauses for dramatic effect. “Yes, I’m having a fucking panic attack.”

Here I am, letting my guard down to help a guy I’ve hated since I was a kid.

I know what it feels like when you have nothing but the worst thoughts cycling inside your mind and when it feels like they don’t want to go away. It’s the only excusable reason.

“Look at me,” I demand.

He ignores me, staring at the floor.

“Noah, will you look at me?” I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m trying to help you.”

He picks his head up and his eyes lock on mine. “I don’t need your help,” he bites out, his breath staggering.

“I’m going to need you to do some basic breathing exercises. Can you do that?”

He nods and closes his eyes, raising his chest and letting it fall.

When his chest heaving slows down, he opens his eyes and examines his surroundings. “What the hell just happened?”

“It’s a technique I learned from my therapist. She taught me that breathing helps get you out of the depths of your mind.” I clear my throat. “I have anxiety. I get panic attacks, too. I bet you don’t remember because you were always so busy in Noahland.”

“Noahland, huh?”

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