Page 168 of The Lazarov Bratva

Alena.

She said she loved me just before I left this place with Ivan and Nastja. It was so fleeting, and with everything that happened, it easily slipped my mind.

It comes back to me now, teased back into focus by her warmth and my hungry desire to be the best I can be for her.

It’s not a cure, but it’s damn near close.

“You will be an amazing mother,” I promise her, finally lifting my head to face her. She lovingly cups my face and meets my eyes.

“You think?”

“You said you loved me. I don’t know if that was in the heat of the moment or if it meant something, but you said it and… and if you can find it in your heart to love a monster like me, then I know you will be overflowing with love for our baby.”

Even now, when things are raw and broken, I know it’s the truth. Alena’s warmth has never faded. I’m sure she’d even be kind to Aleksander in the end because that’s the kind of person she is.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she will be amazing.

“You remember that?” Alena asks softly. “I didn’t think you did.”

“I remember it,” I reply. The cotton eases slightly in my throat. “And I love you too.”

I have to say it. It’s not easy to admit, but I need her to know. In the event that my world completely crumbles and I lose her too, I need her to know that I love her more than life itself.

“I love you so much I can’t breathe without you. I can’t be apart from you. Even when you were running out into the garden, I followed because you’re my air, my sun, my everything. I love you so fucking much.”

Her eyes glisten with tears, sparkling like gemstones, and her mouth's down-turned corners twitch slightly.

“I stop existing when you don’t look at me. Everything’s on pause when we’re not together, and with everything that’s happened, everything we’ve been through, I–I know this is my truth. I love you.”

When she kisses me, the taste of salt leaks between us, but I don’t care. In this moment, we are stripped bare. We are nothing but Alena and Kristof, bound together by love and grief and certain of one thing, and one thing only.

Each other.

“I love you too,” Alena whispers.

Her promise stays with me for the rest of the night, right into a restless sleep where, despite my best efforts, her warmth slips from my fingertips and she falls down into a dark, endless ocean.

17

ALENA

Sleep is restless. My dreams are broken, a patchwork of memories and grief cobbling together a moment that feels real until I open my eyes and remember.

Ivan and Nastja died in Kristof’s arms, and it was so painful that he couldn’t even tell me. He carried that pain alone for too long.

The room is dark with trickles of moonlight drifting in through the softly waving curtains. Kristof is wrapped around me as tightly as he was when we fell asleep, and I nuzzle gently into the crook of his elbow. He doesn’t stir, and I close my eyes as my heart beats heavily in my chest.

Exhaustion still clings to my senses, and amid the pain of grief, there sits a good shard of guilt in my chest.

How could I think he'd killed his siblings when he’d shown me time and time again how much he loved them? Even trying to excuse my irrational thoughts with the panic of being triggered didn’t feel good enough. Kristof has worked so hard to keep me safe and I accused him of being a monster in a moment of weakness.

He’s many things, and has been many worse things in the past, but now he is mine. He’s my man. My protector. The father of my child.

The man I love.

Even in the low light, I can still make out the faint edges of the tattoos on his arm, so I trace them lightly with one hand, enjoying the closeness while trying to soothe my apology into his skin. He forgave me, but forgiving myself will be harder.

Up his forearm I stroke, gently mapping out the path of the ink while trying to soothe my own thoughts, unsure of how terrible the world will look in the morning.

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