Page 80 of The Perfect Mistake

“This thing between us isn’t fair to you, and I can’t… We can’t let it happen again. I’m sorry.”

I nod, slowly. He’s retreating. Again. The wash of rejection floods me, but I keep the disappointment off my face. He wants me, I think. But he won’t let himself have anything that he wants.

“You’re not ready for any kind of relationship,” I say.

He’s quiet, but then he nods. “Right. You’re Connie’s friend, and I don’t want to interfere with that, or with your job. The way I’ve been acting has already been inappropriate enough.”

“Maybe it’s only inappropriate if it’s unwanted,” I say with a shrug that looks far more nonchalant than I feel. “But it’s up to you.”

Silence falls between us, and we watch the kids race around. They’re playing unusually well with one another, and it’s a beautiful day, the sounds of children, dogs barking, and birds singing filling the park. But the chill in the air is a reminder of the changing season and the turn soon to come.

It already feels colder between us.

I can hear the seconds ticking away and wish we could still talk openly. Communicate the way he said he wanted us to. But I guess that only mattered regarding one kind of intimacy.

But then his hand brushes mine on the blanket, his fingers glide over my own. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he says. “You know that.”

My breathing speeds up, and I focus on the kids instead. Watching the ball as it rolls over leaves-covered grass. “I know that. I just wish it would be enough.”

His hand lingers on top of mine. “It is.”

“It’s clearly not,” I whisper. “You said you felt a lot of guilt, the other day. Is this… do you feel it because of me, too?”

“Isabel,” he mutters. “I feel so guilty it’s eating—”

The ball comes rolling straight at us. Alec reacts immediately, sticking his leg out and averting the crash into the picnic basket. Willa comes barrelling after it and asks her dad to join them. And that’s that, that’s the whole conversation. Sam and I explore the surrounding area, and the day reverts to the kids, as it should, on their day off.

Later that afternoon, I feel numb as I’m getting ready for my drink date with Connie. And I feel irritated and want to vent to her, tell her about the man currently giving me whiplash, the man I’ve wanted for so long but who, even when he wants me back, won’t choose to have me. And I can’t.

I can’t talk to my siblings about it, either. They wouldn’t understand, and maybe they’d judge me, and I’m stuck carrying my frustration in my head for the rest of the night.

I walk by the living room on my way out to the front door. Alec is sitting on the couch, a kid on either side of him. The little munchkins are quiet and intent on the children’s show playing on TV, unusually beat from the long day, and don’t look up at me.

Alec does. His eyes narrow as they run over me, as if I’m dressed in something far more salacious than a black dress, coat, and boots.

“I called Mac,” he says. “He’s downstairs, and on standby for later.”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I say.

He shakes his head. “I should have done it last time, too.”

“Have any of the other nannies been offered car service?” I ask. There’s an edge to my voice.

He frowns, and the non-answer is answer enough. He wants me, I think again. Just not enough.

“Have fun tonight,” he says.

“You too.”

Mac is indeed waiting for me in the garage. He’s leaning against the Bentley with headphones on. There’s a serene expression on his face, and when he sees me, he smiles.

Seems like he has no issue working a Saturday evening, at least. But I still feel bad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know Alec called you.”

He shakes his head and pulls us out into traffic. “More than happy to help,” he says. He fiddles with the radio a bit and seems to read my mood, because he leaves it on an upbeat pop station and doesn’t say another word.

Connie is already at the bar when I arrive. It’s good to see her. Her auburn hair is smooth around her face, and the wrap dress she’s wearing hugs her curves. She looks fierce and familiar, and it feels good to hear her talk, to listen to her stories about her new life. The last few months she’s become fiercer still, standing up to her family, and embracing marriage to Gabriel.

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