Page 47 of Meet Me in Berlin

‘Nah. Nor did I expect her to be, but I just wanted to be there again. Just to…’ I shrug. ‘Be there again.’

‘And you were close by, weren’t you? So you’d kick yourself if you didn’t go.’

‘Mmhmm.’ I swallow my bite of pizza. ‘I checked Holly’s Insta, too.’

‘Oh yeah. What’s occurring in Oz?’ She slurps another mouthful of soupy noodles.

‘Sod all since Saturday night. I nearly clicked “like” on that post, but all I could hear was Mum nagging at me not to contact Holly, and Chandice calling me a saddo.’

Jaz grins. ‘It is a bit tragic, mate.’ She dabs sauce from her chin with a piece of kitchen towel.

‘Totally. And if I contact her and she doesn’t remember me, I’ll look like a right twat.’

‘You are a right twat.’

‘Fuck off,’ I say with a laugh and swig my beer.

She laughs too, picks up her bowl with both hands and tilts it up to her mouth.

I grab another slice of pizza. ‘Being at the park cleared up something for me, though.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Me and Eva. It’s not going to work. We don’t get along anymore and we want totally different things. Not that I’m sure what I want; I just know it’s not the same as her.’

‘You had to get there in your own time.’ Jaz fills her water glass from a jug beside her. ‘I don’t envy the conversation you’re going to have tonight.’

I grimace. ‘I can’t tell her tonight. We’ve got a huge day tomorrow finalising the exhibition. I have to be up for seven at the latest. You know what will happen. There’ll be tears for hours, demands for me to go home, or she’ll want to come here.’ I shake my head. ‘No. I need to get tomorrow out of the way and get things clear in my head before I talk to her.’

‘I get that, mate, but you don’t want to put it off too much longer.’

‘I’ll call her tomorrow night after work. Felix and I are having Saturday off to give ourselves a break before next week, so it won’t matter if I’m up half the night dealing with it. I know it’s shitty not telling her in person, but I won’t be home for almost a week. It doesn’t feel right to wait when I’m sure.’

‘Do whatever you think is right.’ She jumps up and returns within a few seconds, cracking a Chocolate Orange on the table. She unwraps the orange foil and sticks a wedge in her mouth, narrowing her eyes at me, the way she does when she thinks she has me worked out. ‘Hey, I’m sorry your one true love didn’t show.’

I lean my head back against the wall. ‘She wasn’t my one true love. She was my one true what-might’ve-been.’

Jaz puts another wedge of chocolate in her mouth. ‘That too.’

I hold my hand up in a wave. ‘I need some sleep. Later.’

We hang up and I head for the shower, stripping off my T-shirt and catching sight of the tattoo on my upper arm. It was my first. The needle pricking my skin temporarily shifted the unfamiliar ache from my heart and it gave me a rush knowing that if I couldn’t be with Holly physically, I could at least keep the memory of us stamped on my body forever.

Chapter 14

Holly, Berlin

The air in the Lustgarten is fresh after the rain, and sunshine has replaced the grey skies. I find an empty bench in the shade to finish my coffee and soak up my first Friday afternoon in Berlin. After two days, my jetlag has lifted, along with some of the heaviness of the past few months. My body feels lighter and I can breathe easier.

After I left Tom on the footpath, vulnerable and broken, I drove to Adam and Meg’s, sobs jerking my body. They rushed me inside and let me fall apart, while my young nephews patted my wet cheeks. The following morning, trying to ignore Tom’s pleading messages, I spent time with Mum before Nat took me to the airport. By the time I boarded the plane, the crack in my chest was deep, and I was questioning my decision. But as the distance grew between home and me, a sense of calm took hold and that glimmer of possibility I felt the afternoon I left Caleb’s bar spread.

The moment I stepped out of the doors at Brandenburg Airport into a grey Berlin morning full of foreign sights, sounds and smells, a rush of memories hit me. First, being here three years ago with Adam and Mum and her excitement at being somewhere new, then my university exchange semester. The shock of suddenly being in Berlin almost made me run straight back into the terminal, but I reminded myself I came here to form new memories and to fall in love with the city again. So, I took a deep breath, jumped in a taxi and headed to my accommodation, forcing myself to stay awake for the day as I wandered Mitte.

Since then, I’ve rediscovered a small part of the city with a fresh lens, visiting the places that had darkened for me eleven years ago. I spent a chunk of my twenty-seven-hour plane journey reading psychology magazines, absorbing tips on ‘how to let go’ and learning how events from the past, no matter how small, can scar us. The advice was to feel the emotion, release it, then replace it with a positive experience to form new neural pathways. I’ve been to the suburb where my dorm room was, past both our campuses and a few bars, and to the spot by the river where we shared our first kiss. I’ve allowed myself to enjoy the memory of Casey and the experiences we had together, then focused on new things to like about those places, mainly through my camera. I’ve photographed incredible art along the wall, old buildings covered in plant life, food from around the world, lush city gardens and local people doing everyday things who were more than happy to let me photograph them.

Worrying about Mum is constant, but Adam has bought her a new phone and we’ve spoken a few times. She carries it everywhere, not always remembering why until I call. It takes her a moment to register I’m away, but then she wants to know everything, and she has some memories of being here. The hurt on Tom’s face is still fresh in my mind. My head tells me it was a heartless thing to do, but when I ignore those thoughts and listen to my gut, I’m certain I did the right thing.

I place my coffee on the bench beside me and scroll through my photo app, choosing an image from earlier today that doesn’t need editing – a close-up of plants in the Tiergarten, fat, glistening drops of rain balancing on forest-green leaves. I’ve held off posting photos because I didn’t want to rub Tom’s face in it. Not that he uses Instagram, but Nat’s husband might show him at work without thinking.

---