Page 45 of Meet Me in Berlin

‘That’s only because you moved in not that long ago. We haven’t got round to it. Besides, that’s just official stuff. You’ve contributed financially. Of course it’s your home, too.’ He places his hands on my knees, eyes pleading. ‘It’s our home.’

I shake my head. ‘No. It’s not. And I moved in a year ago.’

He sits back and runs a hand through his hair. ‘What about Jack? He’s just started staying here. He’s had a lot of upheaval.’

‘I can’t be responsible for Jack. He hates me, and I don’t have the energy or the inclination to make him like me.’

A flash of anger crosses his face. ‘That’s a bit harsh; he’s eight.’

‘I hate doing this to you, Tom,’ I say, bringing the conversation back to us. ‘But if I stay, I’ll end up resenting you, and I don’t want that.’

‘But right now? Can’t we talk about this? If you need space, then stay at Adam’s or Nat’s for a while. Please.’

My resolve starts to crumble but I force myself to stay firm. ‘I leave tomorrow. I’m staying at Adam’s tonight. The stuff I can’t take is packed in the spare room and Adam will collect it on the weekend. Nat’s going to use my car for now.’

His mouth drops open. ‘Tomorrow? You’ve been planning this and you didn’t tell me? Way to make me feel like a complete idiot, Holly.’

I breathe through the guilt and try to ignore the prickle behind my eyes. ‘I haven’t been planning it. I booked a flight last night and organised everything today.’

He removes his glasses and presses his thumb and fingertip to the inner corners of his eyes. ‘Then why didn’t you tell me last night? Three years. I thought we’d go longer than that, a lot longer.’

I brush a tear from my cheek. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you, and I didn’t want you to change my mind.’

‘But … I love you.’

I stand because if I stay a minute longer, I might not leave. ‘I love you too, but not like I should.’ I kiss his soft lips one last time, grab my case and head for the front door.

He hurries after me. ‘Holly, please.’

‘Sorry, Tom,’ I say, my voice breaking as I rush along the hallway. The wheels of my suitcase rattle over the floorboards, and all I can think about is how that sound will haunt him.

‘Please,’ he repeats as I rush through the gate and heave my case into the boot of my car. He swiftly moves to the driver’s door and puts his hand on it.

‘Let me get in the car, Tom.’

‘Can’t we talk more?’

‘Please let me in the car.’

He hesitates but drops his hand and steps away.

I climb in and start the engine. Tom walks back to the footpath, hands shoved deep into his pockets, shoulders hunched. He hasn’t put his glasses back on and it makes him look so vulnerable that I choke out a sob. My vision blurs as we stare at each other through the windscreen. His face is pleading, but I take a deep breath, mouth ‘sorry’ and drive off.

Chapter 13

Casey, Berlin

Immersing myself in the Berlin gallery for the past four days has been exactly what I’ve needed. When I’d finally emerged from the bath on Sunday and told Eva I’d brought my flight forward, a range of emotions crossed her face – confusion, then anger, then hurt. She asked if it was because of the way she’d acted the day before at her parents. I assured her that wasn’t the case, which was mostly true, and told a white lie that Josanne wanted me to go early because Felix was drowning. Are little white lies wrong if they protect someone’s feelings? I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her any more than I already had, so it seemed the right thing to do.

Since I’ve been here, other than a quick visit with my aunt and uncle who still live in Berlin, I’ve crammed my days with work and put in a couple of hours on my normal job at night, which has left no time to dwell. Whenever I have spoken to Eva, she’s slipped straight back into wedding planning, and I’ve tuned out.

My eyes flick to the time in the top right corner of my laptop screen. Almost five-thirty on August 22 – the day. I spin on my chair to face my colleague. ‘Felix, did we secure that final work for the exhibition?’ I say, switching to English since his English is much better than my German. Especially at this hour, when my brain can’t function in another language after I’ve spent all day attempting to speak it.

‘Yes, Katarina confirmed earlier. Sorry, I got caught up and forgot to mention it. I’ve arranged collection for tomorrow afternoon.’

I let out a relieved sigh. ‘Brilliant.’ It’s a key piece for the exhibition that we almost lost after some confusion with the artist and dates.

‘And I fixed the issue with the installers. They’ve agreed to come in on Sunday.’

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