Page 52 of Gabriel's Salvation

I begin pounding on his chest as I desperately try to get my brain to remember the tune. That breathing thing!

I remember you have to give them air sometimes so I pinch his nose as hard as I can and begin blowing into his mouth. Nothing! I go back to pounding on his chest again, as hard as I can but still nothing. Please don't be dead, please! God, if you're real, I know I'm not exactly a good kid but if you bring him back to life, I’ll be good, I promise. I'll even go to church on Sunday with Nate and his friend. I promise!

I try once more giving him breaths and then I place my ear against his chest praying to hear a heartbeat, but it’s silent. The tears stream down my face as reality sinks in. He's dead. I killed him. The bile rises in my tummy and I barely have time to move before I'm throwing up all over the floor. The bile mixed with the little bits of undigested food flies out of me like a scene from The Exorcist as my body expels every morsel I've eaten in what feels like my whole life. Once it finally stops, I stagger outside not caring that the rain spills down on me. I flop down on the floor and sit in silence as the rain pours down, soaking me to my very core. I don't know how long I sit there, praying that the water will somehow wash away my sins. But eventually, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“What the fuck you doing out here, son?” someone says. I look up and see John crouched down in front of me.

Out of instinct I throw my arms around his neck and bury my head in his shirt.

“I fucked up… he’s dead… I killed him,” I sob.

“Who is?” John asks, as he pulls me up to my feet.

I feel sudden pain in my head as a hand connects with the back of it.

“What the fuck you doing? Men don’t hug!” my father bellows as he yanks me away by the collar of my jacket.

“Sorry,” I mumble as I quickly wipe away my tears, knowing how much my father hates to see his sons appear weak.

“What the fuck?” I hear from inside.

I turn and run inside just in time to see Mike standing over the body.

“Did you do this?” Mike asks, looking at me. I nod my head.

I wait for the shock, disgust, anger. I expect the men to be just as mortified with the gruesome sight as I am but when I look, my father has the biggest grin on his face I've ever seen. I didn't even know my father was capable of smiling.

“That's my boy!” my father beams proudly, pounding me on the back.

“Are you okay, Gabe?” John asks as he places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it.

“Of course he is, my boy’s a goddamn machine,” my father beams.

“He’s a kid, Scott,” Mike says, sounding concerned.

“He's a man!” my father cheers as he throws his arm around my neck and for the first time in my life shows me some real, honest affection.

Present Day

“I'm going for a piss,” I announce as I leave the guys all chatting about the worst night of my life.

I head into the bathroom and throw some water on my face. I stare at my reflection for a moment, hating the person staring back at me. I stand there for a moment wondering if this was the monster I was always destined to be. Or if I would have been a different person if that night had never happened. I pull out a cigarette from my pocket and light it right then and there, not giving a fuck where I am.

I continue watching my reflection as my mind heads back to that time in my life. How after that night my father finally seemed to want me. He no longer hit me or treated me like a burden. No, instead, he seemed almost affectionate towards me. He’d often throw his arm around me or pat me on the shoulder. And despite the fact I'd spent most of my childhood praying that one day he’d hug me or hold me, his actions actually made my skin crawl. Even now the idea of anyone holding me, hugging me, or even just brushing up against me gives me that same dirty, disgusting feeling.

Someone walks into the bathroom and breaks me out of my memories. “You can't smoke in here,” the guy remarks. I look down at his uptight dress slacks and decide it would be too easy to beat his ass. I just brush past him and leave.

I walk out to my bike but as I reach into my pocket for my phone I realize I don't have it. Fuck! I left it outside on the table. Letting out an exasperated breath I make my way back into the bar. I walk past Declan who gives me a confused look.

“There you bloody are! Did you fall down the fucking toilet or something?'' John laughs.

“Nah, he probably found a ‘lil bathroom bunny to fuck,” Marko smirks, as he peers around some drunken whore on his lap.

“Probably Kelly,” Deeno laughs. Just the mention of her name would be enough to make my dick crawl back inside my body, but I rather they believe that, than the truth. So I just shrug and look away with a disinterested look on my face.

Declan arrives and begins collecting the empty glasses just as I'm searching the table for my phone.

“More drinks?” he asks. Grumbles of “same” and “ another” echo around the table.

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